


City of Light

by dark_and_terrible



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Humor, Co-workers, Complete, Drama & Romance, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Kylo Ren Angst, Memories, Modern Era, POV Rey (Star Wars), Past, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Romance, Second Chances, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-19 16:16:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 51,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16537961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_and_terrible/pseuds/dark_and_terrible
Summary: Rey left her home city of Coruscant seven years ago to work with a beauty company in Jakku, miles away. Now she's back in Coruscant, and as a favor from a friend, she's been hired at the largest tech company in the city. It doesn't take her long to find her footing, and she's given an offer to become the executive assistant to the CEO. Little does she know, her new boss is her first love, and he's engaged to be married to one of Coruscant's biggest starlets. Oh, and, seven years ago, she dumped him.





	1. I

☽

Coruscant was a city of light. It gleamed and sparkled with all the prideful newness of a city that had somehow sprung up overnight. It seemed that way, anyway. Everything was still clean, not yet prone to the inevitable decay that came with being around for a time. Decay would come as it got on in years, but in relative terms, Coruscant was a new city. In the dark, it was more spectral; tall buildings dashing through with moving lights, the boats lit up along the water, and the twinkle of the residential district that grew out beyond. Rey felt a nauseating wave of nostalgia as she passed the places she'd grown up in, the light transit too fast for such homesickness.

She was home, why should she be sick for it? 

Rey hadn't expected that she would ever come back. She had left Coruscant when she was nineteen. That had been seven years ago. She remembered making a promise to herself that she wouldn't come back, but when her best friend Finn had had enough of begging, he had dangled a carrot in front of her. He had told her that he could get her a job at Imperialist Tech. 

She had moved out to Jakku, a smaller city where it had been easier for her to find a job out of college. She hadn't gotten lost (as easily) in the sea of more qualified applicants. It had only been a plus, though. She knew she would have left anyway. She got hired at a small cosmetics company; Scavenger, where she'd worked under the lead of research and development on a small team. She'd been promoted to work as an executive assistant for the CEO of the company, which is mostly what she had done the entire time she'd been away. 

Admittedly, working with Imperialist would mean a step down (or two), but beauty products had never really been her passion. No, the ever blossoming field of Coruscant Tech was what she was really interested in. She'd stalled out at Scavenger, and after multiple attempts to promote again, she had decided that it wouldn't kill her to take another job. The pay was comparable, if only because the cost of living in Coruscant was so much higher than in Jakku. 

Finn had known she was miserable, so when he called again for the fifth time, she'd been convinced to apply. 

The hiring process had been done mostly over video messaging. She'd met with who would be her direct manager, and the HR manager, and then another manager she had already forgotten about. They'd called her back after a period of two months, a period of time long enough to convince her that she hadn't gotten it. They had apologized to her for the delay, and told her that she was hired. When could she start? 

She had packed up her apartment and put in her notice. Kaila (her boss) was understanding, the look in her eyes seeming to suggest that she had known it was coming. She had told her it would be tough to replace her, but that she was always welcome back. 

And so, she found herself riding a completely upgraded light transit system that did not resemble anything she remembered -- recalling moments that she did not want to remember. 

Her phone started ringing, the low, mournful bellow of a cello signalling that someone was calling her. It picked up in pace, and she dug her phone out of the pocket of her red pea coat. It was wool, the only thing she had that would keep her warm during a Coruscant winter. It was Finn. She swiped to pick up the call, smiling when she heard his accented tones on the other end of the line. 

"You're in town?" He asked, not bothering to say hello.  
"Yeah, riding the light transit,"  
"I told you I would come get you," He said, whispering.  
"You're at work," She said. "I'm fine. Besides, it's been awhile since I've seen the city,"  
"I know you're fine, but I would have liked to pick up my best friend from the terminal,"  
"Why are you whispering?"  
"It's late, but there are a few people left in the office. When do you start?"  
"Next week," She replied. "Will you be home?"  
"Probably not for a bit," He said. "Your room is all set up, just help yourself to anything in the fridge. You know where you're going?"  
"Yes, Mother Finn, I know where I'm going," 

He laughed, and hung up. 

Finn didn't work at Imperialist. He worked for their competitor, Resistance. He had tried to get her to come work there, but she had been insistent that they shouldn't work at the same place, especially considering his position as the financial administrator. He had a friend at Imperialist who had been willing to help her get hired, though. 

She wanted to make her own way, and even though she'd accepted his help for this, she didn't want to feel as though he helped her along with every thing. That's why working at his rival had seemed like the better option, even though he had groaned excessively and gone on about 'their business practices'. She had ignored him when he told her that the CEO was a brutal businessman, and that she shouldn't work for a company founded on misery. 

Rey put her phone back into the pocket of her coat. She rang the bell on the transit to get off at the next stop. Her belongings would follow her, having been shipped, but she had taken a suitcase full of items to keep her held over until they showed up. She rolled it off of the steps with a bit of a struggle, trying to avoid getting knocked over by those who wanted to get on the transit. She had made a poor decision in wearing her high heeled booties and tights. The cold whipped right through her, disrupting her curling brown hair from the nape of her neck. 

She pulled the coat tightly around herself, thinking that she was going to have to buy some warmer clothes. Jakku only had two seasons: hot and less hot. 

The shops were well lit and clean, lining the street. There were people going in both directions, some in a hurry, some meandering (though everyone in Coruscant always at least kept up a brisk pace). 

The storefront came on her quickly, without her expecting it. The wave of memory came over her, making her feel like the world had suddenly turned itself on it's side. It had a warm, yellow light. The storefront was all glass, giving it an open-air coffee shop sort of feel. She remembered it so clearly that she stopped breathing. 

How could she have forgotten this was here? 

She hadn't forgotten. She'd ignored the fact that she had purposefully gotten off a stop early, just so that she could walk by. For a moment, she thought she saw his dark head, bent over a book. When she looked again, the image was gone. 

_She shoved the small box, which housed a tiny shimmering bauble, back into his hands._

_Confusion, and then hurt._

_He looked down, his eyes wide with shock._

_Rey, at least tell me why._

_I've told you why._

_She couldn't look at him. Wouldn't look at him. Smell of the coffee filling her nose._

_That's not why, it's an excuse!_

_Panic settling in his voice._

_I have to go._

_Rey, at least tell me why!_

She hadn't had coffee since.

Someone bumped into her. She was forced to keep walking. 

Finn had given her the code to his door. The apartments were nice, almost sterile in their whiteness (like a hospital). Too economic, she thought, giving the feel of being large when really they had used up each possible space to it's best benefit. She punched in the code, satisfied to hear it beep and unlock. It was not a small apartment, but it was not large either. Rey had gotten, suddenly, very tired. She had not cried, had forced herself not to, but in swallowing back the emotion she now felt only blunted and sallow. 

It was something she had gotten used to, a companion that crept into the room unnoticed. For awhile, it would follow her around, until she had the good sense to forget it. 

The kitchen was smooth and austere, covered in stainless steel. It was difficult to see that there were any appliances, all of them hidden in the walls to save space. She could see the small refrigerator that held glass water bottles, and she pressed it open to take one out. It was cold, and she swallowed a few large gulps, hoping that they would help her snap out of whatever fog had settled. 

She found her room. Finn had left a post it on the door. 

_Make yourself at home._

__At least tell me why._ _

_Some nights were sleepless._

__

☽


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ghost. 
> 
> Her ghost. 
> 
> She paid for her headache medicine and caught the light rail home.

✤

Rey unpacked. It was uneasy in the apartment, or at least she thought it was considering how empty it felt. She found a dresser and a closet that had been cleared out. Finn had left behind hangers. She took her shoes off and hung what she had brought with her in the closet. She put her toothbrush in the bathroom and lined up all her beauty items. It felt like she was staying in a hotel, and she hoped that soon enough it would begin to feel like home. Finn was going to treat her like a guest, she knew.

After wandering the apartment, she stole a book from his library and tried to sleep. She expected the sounds of the city to soothe her, but after the utter silence of Jakku for so long, it was going to take some getting used to. She heard the sirens and the car horns, the sound of the transit bopping back by. She didn't fall asleep until she heard Finn come home, and looking at the clock she realized it was 3 am. 

She had dreams. She woke up again at 6 am. 

The week leading up to her first day at imperialist went by quickly. Finn was hardly home, but Rey was thankful when her belongings appeared within the next few days. The moving truck brought all of the furniture they could fit in Finns' apartment and the rest of it went to a storage unit. She busied herself with putting everything in order. She had even begun to convince herself that moving back to Coruscant had been a good idea.  
On Friday night, Finn came home before the sky got dark. Rey was washing a few dishes she'd made earlier in the day when she heard the key pad beep and unlock. He came bowling in with huge balloons and a paper bag full of glittering tissue paper. She searched her memories, trying to think if she had missed his birthday.  
“Whats all this?”  
“Its for you, stupid,” he teased. “Get dressed, lets go out,”  
“Oh, Finn, this really isn't necessary,”  
“Get dressed before I pick your outfit,” he handed the balloons and the present off to her. “Hurry up, you can open that later,”

She realized before speaking again that it was useless to argue with him. As per usual, he would get his way. 

Rey had bought some warmer clothing. She put on a pair of skinny jeans, her booties, and a sweater. She covered it all with a warm, pale blue coat that she had got on clearance. It looked more expensive than it was, but Rey was of the belief that she had to invest in her clothes. When she exited her bedroom, Finn looked her up and down. She pulled a scarf around her neck, eyeing him curiously. 

“What?”  
“That's what you're wearing?”  
“It's freezing out,” She rolled her eyes. She didn't want to go out anyway.  
“Fine,” He said, reaching out to grab her arm. He pressed a kiss to her cheek as he pulled her closer. “I want you to meet some people,”  
“Alright, let's hurry before I change my mind,” She said, unable to help the smile that lifted the corners of her mouth. 

Finn had always been a bit more outgoing than she was, though she had to admit to herself that ever since the moment in front of the coffee shop, she was fearful of what other bombs the city might drop on her. She felt sure that she couldn't even begin to think of all of the places that held memories for her. For him. She had been purposefully avoiding thinking about him, thinking about his name or his face...though he always crept into her dreams. Her nightmares. 

She pushed it out of her brain as they broke out into the chilled night air. The sun was setting, casting the city with a romantic yellow glow. The sky was streaked through with pastel pink, and they both stood for a few moments to look at it before the sweep of the foot traffic forced them to keep moving. It wasn't smart to lollygag for too long in the middle of the sidewalk. Rey shoved her hands into her pockets as Finn walked a few steps ahead of her. She kept up behind him, not wanting to lose him in the shuffle. It was the peak hour when everyone was trying to get to and from work and dinner. 

Finn lead her down a few streets, and the side streets that were more residential were quieter. They were able to get across the street (looking both ways) without worrying about cars. Rey could smell the restaurant before she saw it. She didn't recognize it, and she took a sigh of relief. No land minds here. 

The host recognized Finn as they came up the sidewalk. There was a bit of line, but Finn passed right by it. 

“Hey man,” Finn said, reaching out his hand to shake the host's hand.  
“Hey Finn,” He shook his hand and grabbed two menus.  
“Ooh, special treatment,” She said, smirking at Finn. 

She felt a bit assaulted when she saw the sheer number of people Finn had invited. He was the only recognizable face among them. Her smile faltered a bit, though she quickly recovered as he began introducing her to people. Rey this is so and so, so and so, this is Rey. She only remembered a few names, and was trying desperately to force her brain to capture all of them so that she wouldn't offend any of Finn's friends. To add insult to injury, he began giving out their titles at work. Now, she was doomed. 

Rey got placed between two colleagues of his; Mara and Jade. Finn took a spot at the other end of the table, leaving her feeling as if she was miles away from the only person she knew. She knew he sometimes did this on purpose, tossing her out into the water to see if she would swim. The two women were a few years younger than she was. They had the confidence of would-be professionals, and were dressed as if their paychecks never ran dry. She spotted the red bottoms on Mara's heels, and she was fairly sure she hadn't painted them on herself. 

They settled into a warm dialogue that came with being a colleague, and Rey was beginning to feel her fish out of water status keenly. The waiter came by and asked her if she wanted something to drink, and she pointed something out without really paying attention to what it was. When he set it down in front of her, she was relieved to find that she'd pointed at red wine. 

“Wine drinker, hm?” Jade asked, leaning closer conspiratorially.  
“Oh, yes,” Rey said, taking a large swallow of it before smiling halfheartedly at her.  
“I'm Jade,” She offered her finely manicured hand, nails glinting with candy apple red lacquer.  
“Rey,” She said, shaking her hand. She was beginning to feel a bit shabby.  
“Finn talks about you so often,” She said. It drew Mara's attention.  
“Sometimes it's tough to get him to shut up,” Mara laughed. “I heard he wasn't able to convince you to work with us, though,” She pitched her voice up, obviously intending him to hear. She took a sip of her amber colored drink.  
“Oh,” Rey fumbled. How to explain? Finn rescued her before she got a chance.  
“I guess the allure of Imperialist was too much to turn down,” He said. He had ordered himself whiskey, and he took a drink.  
“Oh, I know the allure,” Bug, one of the IT people, said.  
“Kylo Ren?” Jade asked, taking a drink.  
“No,” Bug said, squishing up her nose like a rabbit. “The tech!”  
“Traitor,” Finn said, smiling.  
“No, really, it is!” 

Everyone leaned forward, watching as Bug pulled the latest Imperialist phone out of her pocket. She showed it around, and Finn gave her another accusation of being a traitor, though this time more loudly. Finally, Rey had it in her fingertips. The design seemed familiar somehow, but she couldn't figure out why. 

“Kylo Ren?” She asked, curiously, handing the phone back to Bug.  
“Mhmmm,” Jade drew her response out. “He's yummy,”  
“Is that his real name?” She asked, taking another drink of her wine.  
“No, no one knows what his real name is,” Mara replied. She tapped her long fingernails on her glass, and suddenly the waiter appeared to refill it.  
“It's true,” Bug said, swallowing her beer. “He kind of popped up out of nowhere, but the guy is brilliant,”  
“Traitor!” Finn said again, laughing.  
“It's great tech...” Bug frowned. Finn tossed a balled up napkin at her. “It is!” She tossed the napkin back.  
“Let's stop talking about Kylo Ren,” He said.  
“Have you met him?” Rey asked, curious about his demurral.  
“Nope. Don't care to. I hear he's an asshole,”  
“I didn't know you were so ready to accept gossip, Finn,” Jade said, laughing at him. 

The conversation turned to the new tech at their own place of work. Rey felt strangely thwarted, realizing she wanted to ask more questions about the man she was about to go to work for. Sadly, the conversation didn't turn back to Imperialist again.

✤

Monday came up quickly.

In fact, Rey settled into her new routine easily. The first week went by fast with her settling into her role. She worked in research and development, though she was more an assistant and a data entry tech than anything. She thought it was a good place to start, however, even if what she was doing was mind numbing and boring. 

She didn't see the mysterious CEO that she'd learned about one of her first night's back in town. She didn't even see him, and when she asked about it she was often told that he kept to his floor, which was more than a few floors above her own. He had his own private elevator which only accepted his palm print, his own private staff, and his own private office that overlooked the city. Rey wondered what it looked like up on the 54th floor. 

It wasn't even part of the tour. 

Her new teammates were nice enough, if prone to talking about each other and spreading information that had probably been said in confidence. She tried not to get involved, though by the second week she had a reputation of being 'quiet'. She never said yes when she got invited to 'tipsy Tuesday' or 'super liquored Wednesday', and so they stopped asking her. 

She took the light transit back and forth between work. It was threatening to become a mind-numbing, comfortable routine. 

Finn was hardly home. 

Rey didn't sleep very well most nights. 

It was one such Friday when her coworkers were barely working, ready to go out for their evenings. There wasn't much work to do, Rey found, but she managed to find some busy work to keep her entertained until the end of her shift. She realized she wouldn't have to, when Baron (her team lead) began coming around and asking people if they wanted to take off early. Rey agreed, she had a headache, and she was feeling drained. 

She walked a few blocks before getting on the transit, and had the idea to stop in at the drug store to get some medicine for her headache. She paused in the sleep medication aisle. She had promised Finn she wouldn't take the stuff anymore, but she wished she could get a full night's sleep. She smelled someone's cologne. It sparked some vague memory in her mind, fuzzy and blurry and slipping from her grasp. It faded as quickly as it had come. 

She had the feeling of being watched, but when she turned to look there was only that faint scent of cologne, and the quick moment she'd seen a tall man disappear around the shelves. 

She followed it, quickly selecting her headache medicine and leaving behind the sleeping pills. 

She only caught sight of him exiting the building, and could not discern if he was familiar or not. 

A ghost. 

Her ghost. 

She paid for her headache medicine and caught the light rail home.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spooky.


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I miss you, Ben,”

✤

“I miss you, Ben,”  
“Rey.” A firm voice.  
 _To alter your message, please press seven. If you're satisfied with your message, you may disconnect the line._  
“Rey,” The voice was more firm, now. Something was taken from her hand. “Rey!”

She was afraid. She wasn't where she should be. She was sitting on the couch in front of Finn's flat screen television, which was dark and reflective like oil. He was sitting there beside her, with her phone in his hand. 

__“Are you okay?” Finn asked, tenderly. He was more calm now. “I haven't seen you sleep walk in a long time,”  
“I'm okay,” Rey began to shiver. “Cold,”  
“Let's get you back to bed,” Finn said, grasping her shoulders and directing her back to her bedroom.  
“Why do you have my phone?” She asked, still confused.  
“Oh,” Finn handed it back to her. “I don't know," 

Finn put her back in bed. He pulled her blankets over her, and she felt the warm sandy pull of sleep begin to overtake her again. She felt the weight of his body sitting on the bed next to her after awhile. She smelled the vague smell of chamomile tea, steaming quietly on the stand beside her bed. She was fighting sleep, but it overtook her easily enough. 

The tea would grow cold by her bedside. 

Finn sat with her for longer than was necessary, staring at her phone, willing it to ring back. It never did. 

In the morning, she woke up with the vague sense that she hadn't slept well, but she couldn't remember why she hadn't slept well. She smelled the vague scents of food coming from the kitchen and was surprised that Finn was still home. She looked at her phone. Today marked the three month anniversary at her new job. It felt less new, now. Some of the shine had worn off, replaced by familiarity. She got dressed, grabbed her high heels and went out to find Finn frying bacon and eggs. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” She asked.  
“I just realized I haven't been home much since you moved in,” He admitted. “I took the day off so I could make you some breakfast. Whaddaya say? Feel like playin' hookie?”  
“I would love to, but it's the busiest day of the week,” She said, bending down to put her shoes on. “Do you have any plans?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows.  
“Nothing, other than making you breakfast and picking you up from work,”  
“You don't have to pick me up from work,” She said, moving into the kitchen to pick at the bacon and eggs with her fingers.  
“I'll take you out to dinner. It is your three month anniversary,”  
“The last time you took me out for dinner you ambushed me with a bunch of your coworkers,” She teased.  
“It will be just you and me,” He promised, pressing his hands together in front of his face and bowing his head.  
“I'll believe it when I see it,” 

She finished her breakfast and went to work, despite Finn insisting he could give her a ride. 

The day felt off from the start. It felt off when she woke up and Finn was still home, because she was usually home alone by then. It felt off when she walked into the office, and everyone was already chattering about something. She slowed down her pace, though no one gave her any attention. She went through the process of turning her computer on. She realized pretty quickly what the chatter was about. There was an e-mail with an open posting for an executive assistant for the CEO. 

Rey had a few thoughts. She remembered being told that she couldn't post for anything else until she had been there for a year, so she was already decided that she wouldn't apply. That didn't stop her coworkers from talking about it until lunch. They were still talking about it when she got back from lunch, and it continued for far longer than she thought it should have. 

When she looked up at about 3 pm, she realized that someone was standing in front of her desk. She was surprised to find that it was the HR Director, Pika. She was an elegant woman. She was tall, with short hair, and she always dressed well no matter what day of the week it was. She was wearing a short sleeved, pin striped coat, the belt left hanging artfully behind her. 

“Rey,” She said. “How are you settling in?”  
“Very well,” She stammered, standing up and putting out her hand for a shake. “How are you? I haven't seen you since I started,”  
“I'm doing well,” She shook Rey's hand. “Would you come with me for a moment?”  
“Oh, sure,” Rey said, anxiety creeping up into her rib-cage. Had she done something wrong? 

Pika's office was up the stairs, but she was gracious enough to take the elevator. They wound around those that worked on the phones, answering calls in their boisterous voices. Rey had worked at a few until she'd gotten the job at Scavenger, and she had been happy to leave them behind. Pika opened the door for her. Her office was clean and bright. There was a full wall of books on the back end, behind her desk. She had a respectable window, and Rey paused to look out over the bustling city. It appeared to glitter gold during the day. 

Pika motioned to the seat across from her. Rey took it, awkwardly trying to find a place for her hands. Finally, she settled on folding them on her lap, even if she felt a bit ridiculous. 

“Is everything alright?” Rey asked, curiously.  
“Yes, of course. The reason I brought you in here today is because I'm curious if you would be interested in moving into another position,”  
“Oh,” She said, surprised. “I thought I wasn't eligible for that until I'd been here for a year,”  
“Normally that's true, but Mr Ren requested that we pull resumes,” She slid her resume at her. “Yours is a great fit, so I think he would be willing to make an exception,”  
“Mr Ren,” She said, her eyes probably wide with shock.  
“What is it?”  
“I've never met him,” Rey said. Her first instinct was to find a reason not to do this, but it was an opportunity to do what she really wanted to do.  
“We can remedy that,” Pika said. “In fact, he'll want to interview you,”  
“Right now?”  
“Let me see if he's available,”  
“Oh, uh--” But it was too late, she was already dialing. 

They exchanged a few brief words, and Rey found herself leaning in to see if she could hear the man on the other end of the line. Rey watched as Pika got up, finding she was quick to stand up as well. 

“He's available for a bit right now.You know which floor he's on?” She asked.   
“Oh, you're not coming?”  
“It's you he wants to interview,” She said, playfully.  
“Yes, I know which floor,” Rey said, trying not to let the anxiety she was currently feeling slip into her tone.  
“Good luck,” Pika said, shaking her hand and shuffling Rey out of her office. 

The elevator ride seemed to go on forever. It stopped at every floor, and people got on and off. By the time she got up to the very top floor, she was uneasy to find that she was the only one left on the elevator. The door opened out onto a spanning, empty floor. There were two desks off to her left, both of them tidy and simply designed. One of them was empty, and at the other sat a small dark haired woman with a bright smile. 

“Hello! How may I help you?”  
“I'm here to see Mr. Ren,”  
“Oh, right,” She stood up, coming around her desk. “I'm Rose,”  
“I'm Rey,”  
“Nice to meet you,” She shook her hand. “Mr Ren is expecting you. Just go up the stairs. The door will open,” She was endlessly cheerful. 

She was having a difficult time not feeling that this whole thing was a bit ominous, even if the office was beautiful. It had full spanning windows, so one could see every angle of the city. She thought it was probably stunning at night. Rey carefully made her way up the tall stairs that lead to the office. The sound of her heels echoed in the space. The door was not a normal door, and it beeped and slid open as she stood in front of it. She smoothed her skirt and pulled at the sleeves of her blouse before she stepped inside of the office. 

There was a futuristic looking desk sitting far back from the door. The room was circular, and there was a large leather couch that stretched around the area. Her eyes went to the man sitting at the desk. His hair was dark, shifting blue with the light. It was long, wavy and perfectly pomaded. His face was hidden. He was wearing a royal blue suit jacket over a perfectly pressed white shirt. His tie matched the jacket. His long legs were crossed easily beneath the desk, and he was scratching away at a piece of paper with an expensive looking pen. 

“Miss Green,” He said as he looked up to her, his dulcet tones shocking. Familiar. 

Rey sucked in an audible breath. She was so shocked, she didn't release it. She was holding her breath, hoping to wake up from whatever bad dream she was currently having. It was _him._ It was Ben. She recognized his citrine eyes, shifting always into darker colors. His face was a constellation of uneven allure, his smile serene. He wasn't surprised. He wasn't surprised at all. Amused, maybe. 

Was he toying with her? 

“You are aware that I'm looking for an assistant,” He continued on, as if he wasn't interested in her current state of shock.  
“Yes,” She stammered, unable to help the tremor in her tone. She expected screaming. Shouting. Ire. The chilly way in which he treated her, she found, was much worse.  
“Good, at least we've come that far,” He said, his tone almost jovial despite his sarcasm. “Have a seat,” 

She moved forward as if he'd whipped a rope out and caught her with it, and was currently tugging her in the direction of his desk. She sat down as gracefully as she could manage, though she was only operating because she was in shock. 

“I believe you are a good fit,” He admitted, looking over the copy of her resume now in his hand. “Are there any reasons why you wouldn't be able to accept the position?”  
“Um, w...well,” She tried. Of course there was. Their previous relationship. “You and I...we...”  
“I can't hear you,” He leaned forward.  
“No,” She spat. It was the only word she could manage.  
“Good,” He was pleased. “There are a few other applicants. HR will stay in touch with you. You may go,” He said, waving idly. 

She lingered for too long. 

“Is there something else?”  
“What should I call you?”  
His gaze darkened. Stormy.  
“Kylo Ren, of course,” 

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gonna rapid fire these chapters. gotta hit that nanowrimo goal y'all. 
> 
> plus, who wants to wait for angst?


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey asked the bartender to refill the glass. 
> 
> He did so without much fuss.

✤

Rey was in a total fog by the time work was over. She stumbled through the rest of her day, replaying the briefest moment in it over and over again. She couldn't help it, remembering his face as it had been and constructing it as it was currently in her mind's eye. Ben had never been conventionally attractive; but his intensity, his height, the color of his hair, and the storms that gathered at his brow made him alluring to most he met. He had been down-to-earth then, scribbling into a leather notebook. Now, he was all sharp edges and angles. Expensive clothes and hair that had been perfectly done.

Rey wasn't sure how to feel. She wanted to quit. She wanted to run far away from Coruscant. Her mind, chaotic, was trying to work out how she could get her job back at Scavenger. Surely, anything would be better than seeing him every single day. Some small part of her realized that this would be what he would expect her to do. She had seen it in his serene smile, a smile that seemed to say: I know you better than you know yourself. 

It made her angry. It had ripped clear the scabbed hole in her heart, and she was sure she was inwardly bleeding. 

She was happy to gather her things at the end of the day and take the transit home. Maybe she would stop and get a drink. When she went outside, she saw Finn waiting by his car. She had forgotten he had insisted that he would come and get her. She was struck with needing to get him out of there, quickly. She quickly made her way over to the car, but it was too late. She saw, from the corner of her vision, Kylo Ren. He paused, just briefly. He was wearing expensive sunglasses that reflected the light. His long, winter coat made him look taller and broader. Rey could not read his face, but she thought she could feel his discomfort. 

Finn looked at him. She realized in that moment that Finn had known about this. 

“Let's go,” She said, trying to hurry him along. 

She felt something, or someone, looming behind her. It was Ren. She turned, forced to step out of the way. He had zeroed in on Finn. His hands were in his pockets. Finn's shoulders tensed, his jaw clenching. 

“A walk down memory lane,” Ren said, pulling his hand out of his pocket to shake Finn's hand. Finn didn't offer up his own. Ren smirked, and put his hand in his pocket.  
“Good night, Mr Ren,” Rey said, watching as Finn moved around the car and got inside. She moved to follow him. Ren caught her bicep, forcing her to pause.  
“Old habits die hard,” He leaned in. 

She could smell the mint on his breath, the clean scent that clung to his hair. He came so close she felt the hot puff of breath falling from his lips. She looked down to them, before returning her gaze to his eyes. Cold. Hard. Flinty. Rey slipped her arm from his grasp, unable to help how her blood seemed to rush downwards. She heaved a sigh of relief when she got into the car and slammed the door. There was a barrier between them now. She was safe. 

Finn started the car. Ren stood there until she could no longer see him. 

“Did you know?” Rey asked, unable to stop herself from sounding accusatory.  
“Did I know what?” Finn asked. He was no longer in the mood for conversation.  
“Did you know that he was the CEO?” 

Finn was quiet. She could see his jaw working beneath his skin. 

“Finn,” She said, trying to snap him back into the present.  
“Yes, I knew,”  
“Why in the hell would you help me get a job there if you knew he was the CEO?” Her tone pitched up.  
“Because I knew you wouldn't come back, and I knew you weren't going to accept a job in my company,”  
“You hate him,” She said, utterly aghast with his motives.  
“I hate him, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to see the benefits of you having a job there,”  
“What are you talking about?” 

He was quiet again. 

“You can't be serious,” 

Finn looked at her. He was serious.

“I can't believe you,” She said. “Let me out of the car,”  
“No, it's late and it's getting dark,”  
“So what, Finn? I'm a big girl. Stop the car,”

✤

Rey found a nearby restaurant that had a bar. She was well aware that drinking wasn't going to solve any problems, but her initial intent was just to have a glass of wine and walk home. Perhaps then, she would be less angry at Finn. She wasn't sure why, but she felt betrayed. It was as if she'd been a pawn, and he'd moved her into the exact spot he wanted her in. Weren't they friends? Had he really convcined her to come back her to spy on Kylo Ren?

And furthermore, did Kylo Ren want her as his assistant to play along with Finn's game? 

Rey asked the bartender to refill the glass. 

He did so without much fuss. 

Rey swallowed half of it without realizing it, and looked up to find the bartender staring at her with a vague look of amusement before he shuffled off to make another dirnk. She was glad for the solitude, though it was brief. As the sun dropped and the night grew, the restaurant began to fill up. She watched people come and go, laughing and drinking. Eating dinner together, talking about their days. Rey should have felt lonely, but she enjoyed watching people who were unaware they were being watched. The more she drank, however, the fuzzier her thoughts got. 

She watched the entry way, and for the second time that day her heart was forced to sink like a stone down into her stomach. She had to blink a few times, clearing her vision. Ren was standing there, a woman on his arm in a bright, cherry red dress. Her lips were painted a shade to match, her light hair knotted up in an elegant chignon. Despite how dressed up she was, Rey recognized her immediately. It was tough not to. 

Kaydel had been her school friend, up through college. She had been quiet, pretty, and un-remarkable. Rey had always felt herself to be the same way, though certainly more outgoing. Rey had barely known what she had been up too. They hadn't spoken in seven years. She had seen a few things in the headlines, but she had avoided it as much as she could. It had been easier in Jakku. She knew, of course, that had Kandori had become an actress, and a famous one. 

Kaydel recognized her too. She put on a mega-watt, brilliant smile. Her teeth were so white. Her hand was on Ren's arm, where he let it lay. Ren seemed uninterested in the fact that Rey was there. Rey was wondering if she could slip out without being noticed, but in her haste to get up from the seat, she dumped her wine glass down the front of her white blouse. It stained, and the glass shattered noisily on the floor. 

“I'm so sorry!” She said. The bartender shook his head, unconcerned.  
“It happens every day. I'm more sorry about your blouse,” He said. “Stay there, I'll get something to clean it up,” 

Rey thought she could make a run for it, but when she looked back up, she found that Kaydel had smelled spilled blood. They were already on their way to her, and they grew ever closer. Rey stood as straight as she could, feeling exposed in a restaurant full of people. Her cheeks burned, but she fought to keep her gaze upwards. 

“I haven't seen you in a long time,” Kaydel's voice was like warm honey. She offered her hand. There was a giant, sparkling rock perched on her finger.  
“I just got back,” Rey said, surprised to find her voice. Kaydel smiled. It didn't reach her eyes.  
“Oh my, it looks as if you've spilled your drink,” She looked at Ren. “Shall we invite her for dinner?” Pity. Ren kept his chilly air of disinterest.  
“I can't stay, thank you,”  
“Well, you must come for dinner some time,” The actress said. “We would love to have you. Isn't that right?” To Ren. “And besides, if you're to be working for him, we should all get to know each other again,”  
“Of course, thank you,” Rey didn't think the woman was pleased about her new job. Did this mean Ren had already decided to hire her? “Enjoy your dinner,” 

Rey was glad to get out in open air until she realized it was raining. She didn't have an umbrella, but she supposed she could see the silver lining. The rain was doing it's best to wash the red wine out of her blouse, though she was sure it would always hold the stain no matter what she did...if only to remind her of this awful moment. Quickly, she walked to the nearest transit stop. She hadn't realized that she had been followed until she caught someone with an umbrella just out of her line of vision. She wished she was invisible. Tears started to streak down her cheeks, hidden by the rain. 

Ren had followed her into the street. 

“The transit doesn't run this way this late,” He pointed out, his voice carrying over the noise of the rain and the street.  
“I'll call a cab,” She said, as politely as she could.  
“I'll give you a ride,” He said, pushing the umbrella forward to protect her from the rain at the expense of his coiffed hair.  
“No, that's not necessary, thank you,” She was fighting to keep her teeth from chattering. Her hair clung to her face, causing rivulets of water to slide down her skin. She watched the water clinging to his hair, diffusing the lights from the passing cars. It made him look as if he had a halo.  
“Take this,” He said. He was clearly not in the habit of being told 'no'.  
She took the umbrella, and said nothing.  
“Wait here,” 

She knew she should have left, but she was frozen, just like she had been in his office...and again in the restaurant. She kept internally shouting to herself that she should go, go! She waited until she saw his car pull up. It was a big, boat like sedan. She could tell it was expensive. He got out and opened the door for her, though she felt him leading her. She wasn't sure she had a choice but to get in the car now. 

The seat had a warmer. He had turned the heat on. The car looked a bit like a spaceship on the inside, all lights and knobs. She tried her best not to look at him, his hair and shoulders damp from being in the rain. He was silent for what felt like a very long time. She began to warm, but she was still soaked. She did her best to push her wet hair from her face. 

“How have you been sleeping?” He asked, and Rey was surprised by the question.  
“Fine,” She lied. “Why?”  
“Curiosity,” He admitted. “Where am I going?” 

Rey hadn't thought this through. She realized he would have to drop her at Finn's house, and he would probably recognize the car. There was no helping it now, so she gave him instructions. The car ride took forever. She forced herself to look out of the window at the city lights passing by and not at the man who had been her first...well, everything. This man she felt she barely recognized now. This man she couldn't help but feel responsible for creating, in some way. She couldn't be surprised about Kaydel's betrayal. She had heard things...but she was surprised by his. 

_What were you expecting, Rey? You dumped him._  
**I was expecting him not to get engaged to my once best friend.**

When Ren pulled down the street, she forced him to stop. She would walk the rest of the way. 

“Rey,” He stopped her. “I'll see you tomorrow,”  
“Oh, I won't be on your floor,”  
“Yes you will,” He murmured.  
“Oh....Apologize to Kaydel for me,” She tried to keep up her polite facade. “You didn't have to do this for me,”  
“I didn't do it for you,” He intoned. “I did it because you're my employee,”  
“Right. Goodnight,” She said, glad to get out of the car. 

She ran back to Finn's house.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to angst hell.


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Miss Green?”   
>  “Yes?”   
>  “Can you sign here?”   
>  “I didn't order anything,”   
>  “I just need you to sign,” He repeated, holding out his machine and the pen.

✤

Rey was thankful to find that Finn wasn't home. The apartment was dark, and empty. It was cold from the rain, and no one had been home to turn the heater on. Rey didn't bother. She slowly walked through the living room, pausing in the kitchen. She found she wasn't hungry. Her cheeks were wet, and continued to be wet. She was crying. She tried to wipe the tears with her hands, but they kept coming. She found herself sinking down in front of her own door, sobs threatening to overtake her until they did just that.

She heard the beep of the keypad. Quickly, she stood up and disappeared into her room, locking the door behind her. She didn't feel like she could deal with Finn, not with the accusations, and certainly not with the concern. 

_He isn't good for you, Rey. Look at what he's done to you and Kaydel._

_That isn't his fault._

_No? I think it's what he wanted. He drove a wedge between you and I, and you and her..._

_Finn, please stop._

Rey took a hot shower. She was actually exhausted enough to sleep, the mixture of wine and emotional drain enough to keep her asleep until morning. 

When she woke up, it was to the annoying beeping of her phone alarm. She was lucky, her phone was almost dead. She set it on top of the portable charger. She had a headache, one that started right between her eyes and threaded out to the back of her skull. Wine. Too much wine. She promised herself that she would never drink again, though in the back of her mind a small voice said: liar. 

Her hair was an absolute nest from having slept on it when it was damp, so she was forced to take another shower. She dried it out until it was straight, falling around her shoulders in pleasant, scented waves. She put on a pastel pink dress that was all lace, giving the illusion that she wore nothing underneath though there was a nude slip that covered her completely. She chose a pair of strappy, glittering heels, though she wouldn't put them on until she got to work. After gathering her things, she paused in front of the door, taking a minute to throw the white blouse (still stained with red wine) into the trash. 

Finn wasn't home. He'd left a small note on the fridge: _I'm sorry._

She pulled her winter coat on and grabbed her walking shoes. She was forced to pull her scarf out of her pocket and pull it around her neck. The rain had made the city slushy, and freezing. She could see her breath in the morning air. She bounced on her feet as she waited for the transit, trying to keep herself warm. 

When she got to her desk, she had put on her 'work' shoes. She felt strangely cheerful, but perhaps it was because she was feeling a bit numb. Maybe, she thought, it couldn't get any worse than it already had. Pika was quick to find her. Rey could tell by the looks on her coworker's faces that there had been an e-mail. 

“I'm sure you've seen the e-mail,” Pika said. “Congratulations. From today forward you'll be working with the boss,”   
“I haven't,” Rey said, trying not to outwardly frown. “Thank you,” For most people, this would have been a blessing.   
“Good luck,” 

She gave Rey the pass-code to the private elevator with instructions that she should use it from there going forward. She included all of the paperwork that Rey would need to fill out for the promotion. When Rey looked at the pay, she realized that it might actually be worth it – it was quadruple the amount she was currently making. 

She gathered all of her belongings in a small box. It wasn't difficult, she hadn't had time to accumulate much while she'd been working there. She found the elevator, using her knee to try and keep her box upright. Rey was completely distracted, so distracted that she hadn't noticed someone coming in beside her. He placed his palm on the reader, and the elevator opened. She looked up, finding that Kylo Ren now stood beside her. He took the box from her, leaving her gaping at the entrance of the elevator. 

“Come on,” He said. Early in the morning, his voice was a bit of a shock.

He set her box down beside him, leaning against the bar in the elevator. It was glass, affording them a view of the office as they were spirited up to the top floor. She stood beside him, her coat draped around her shoulders. She felt his eyes on her, and she turned to look at him. 

“I see you and Finn have made it official,” He said.   
“What?” She asked.   
“You are living with him,” Sometimes, he gave her a peek at Ben.   
“Should I congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials?” Something awful in her wanted to rise to the occasion.   
“Is that what you think?” He asked.   
“Her ring is large enough to rival the planet,” She paused, looking to see if there was a reaction. “Congratulations,”   
“I sense you might be jealous,”   
“Right, jealous,” Rey said. She wanted to be mean. She kept quiet. “No, really,” She turned to look at him. “I'm happy for you,” She wanted to be happy for him. 

Ren leaned in. He was close. He came so close she was forced to back up against the back of the elevator. She pressed her hands flat against the glass, suddenly worried about the others seeing them. 

“You're as happy for me as I am to see you,” He said, his voice a low purr. His nearness might lead a person to believe he was being nice.   
“Yes, quite happy,” She looked up to him, defiant. She was unable to help it. She felt the urge to knee him in the groin. She resisted the urge. 

He was so close she stopped breathing. His arms were placed on either side of her, keeping her held in place. She looked up. This was not how a boss should be behaving with his employee. What was he doing? His breath whispered across her mouth, her eyes, her cheeks. It seemed he might kiss her, all of the tension coiled within him threatening to burst. He pulled back. Her hands gripped the glass, as if she might keep herself from melting. 

“Welcome to the top floor,” He said, pulling back completely as the elevator dinged. 

They were no longer alone. Rey quickly recovered, or so she thought. She bent down and grabbed her box of items. She followed him out into the office. Rose was there. 

“This is Rose, she'll be your assistant,” He said.   
“An assistant to an assistant,” She replied, friendly. She offered her hand again. “Nice to meet you, again,”   
“And you too,” Rey smiled. She thought that Rose's presence might make this a little better. “I'm Rey,”   
“Are you alright?” Rose asked, noting the flush in her cheeks.   
“Set your belongings down and follow me,” Ren muttered.   
“I'm fine. I'll be right back,” The words were directed at Rose. 

Rose was quick to help her with the box. She was clearly a little bit afraid of Ren. Rey followed him, eventually. She found him sitting at his desk, working on his thin, Imperialist laptop. The thinnest in the market, she recalled. He looked up at her, his eyes far away from her. 

“These are the projects that the previous assistant was working before she left. I'll need you to complete them within the time frame allotted here,” He began to hand her folders. There were a few thick ones, and Rey wondered if he was trying to get her to quit. “You'll accompany me to meetings. Oh, and this,” He handed her what looked like an invite. “You may go,” 

Rey turned slowly, taking a moment to look back at him. She was sure he had been looking at her. She must have been wrong, as he was completely fixated on his computer. She had been dismissed, so she took the folders and exited his large, strangely empty office. She set the files on her desk. Rose smiled at her.   
“He's intense, isn't he?”   
“That's...one way to describe it,” Rey replied, smiling back. “How long have you been here?”   
“Just a few months. You?”   
“Same,” She admitted.   
“It's been just me this whole time,” Rose said. “I'm glad someone will be up here with me. It gets a bit lonely,”   
“I'll keep you company,” Rey said, doing her best to make light of a bad situation.

✤

The work was challenging, certainly more so than she had ever experienced. She wondered if Ren kept her busy purely out of spite, but she didn't mind so much. It was nice to have something to do, and it was nice to have some things to think about. Rose was pleasant, much more pleasant than the team she had worked with on the sixth floor...the team that had made it clear that they were upset and unhappy with the fact that someone so new had been promoted.

Kylo Ren certainly put his reputation at risk when he hired her to be his assistant. 

There was, after all, immediate gossip. Rose made her aware of it, showing off her Imperialist phone feed. The employees were angry. Rey wondered if this hadn't been not only a completely bad decision, but an utterly bad decision. She was sure it had been when she opened the invitation that Ren had handed to her on her first day. She realized it was for a party, for the partners and the management. Ren obviously expected her to go, but the thought was about as appealing as going to the dentist. 

On the first Friday of her first week, she managed to gather up enough courage to approach Ren in his office and tell him, most definitely, that she was not the best person to go with him to the party. Certainly, it made more sense for him to take Kaydel. Certainly, he would be taking Kaydel, which meant that Rey would be his sad, tag along assistant. 

She waited in front of his door, listening for the beep after she'd knocked. Some days, he was in meetings and she was not allowed to pass through these doors. So, she knocked. Once he'd admitted her, she passed through the sliding doors, into his simple, methodical office. She saw him standing at the window, his back facing her. He was wearing a finely tailored suit which was a deep plum in color. He did not turn to look at her. 

“What is it?” He asked, his gaze still on the bustling city below. Night was ever encroaching.   
“Mr Ren,” She said, taking a careful step forward. “I wanted to talk to you about the party tonight. For the investors,”   
“What is it,” He saw his head shift, just a bit. He still did not turn to look at her.   
“I'm fairly new,” She started. She saw his shoulders tense up, just a bit. “And I thought that it might be a bad idea for me to attend,” She paused, waiting awkwardly. Silence. “Perhaps when I'm a bit more experienced with being your assistant,” 

He turned away from the window, his hands grasped behind his back. 

“Allow me to ask.; When did you start this job?”   
“On Monday,”   
“And so, you were expected to complete your duties when?”   
“On Monday...” Rey said, realizing where this was going.   
“So then, by that logic, you would be expected to fulfill the full scope of your duties when?”   
“Monday,” Rey said, frowning. He had gotten closer to her. He was damnably good looking in his plum suit. She thought about running her hands along his lapels.   
“Then, following me to meetings with partners is a job duty, and you were expected to complete those duties on Monday,” He paused. “So, you are not going to be excused from it,”   
“Fine,” She said, realizing that arguing with him was also tantamount to avoiding the dentist. Fruitless and futile.   
“I'll see you there, Miss Green. You may go,” 

Rey didn't have much time before her transit home to the start of the event. She lingered in her closet for longer than she was comfortable with, trying to find something that was suitable for an evening party. She thought that she would dress herself plainly, but she needed something that was formal enough for a party with billionaires. She settled on a black dress that had a high neck line and a skirt that fell to her knees. 

Finn hadn't been home, hardly at all, since their fight in the car. 

She was surprised to hear a knock on the door. 

She opened the door. There was a delivery man, and he was holding a huge box. 

“Miss Green?”   
“Yes?”   
“Can you sign here?”   
“I didn't order anything,”   
“I just need you to sign,” He repeated, holding out his machine and the pen. 

Awkwardly, she signed and took the box. When the man was gone, she peeled back the tape and opened the box. She gasped when she saw what was inside. It was a dress, made of champagne colored tulle and crystals. 

There was a note on top of it, hand written. _Wear this._ It was Ben's handwriting. 

She pulled the dress out. It was long, the full skirt falling into deeper shades of plum, shifting from the champagne. It sparkled, crystals placed all through the full skirt. It had a sweet-heart neckline, and would bare her shoulders and arms. This, she thought, was even less appropriate. She wondered, however, how he would respond if she showed up in something other than this dress. She decided to try and text him. 

_I can't accept this._   
**Do you have anything in your closet that rivals it?**   
_No, but it's inappropriate. I'm your assistant.  
**Nothing else will do. Wear the dress, Miss Green.** _

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry if you hate this, but i warned you
> 
> i warned you!!!


	6. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
> (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
> and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows  
> higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)  
> and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

✤

Rey put on the dress. She felt she had no choice. She did, of course, but it wasn't one she was willing to cop to just yet. She could quit, and find another job where it wasn't such a land mine of emotional trauma. It wasn't a decision she was going to make that night.

The dress fit her well. The bodice was line with a water fall of crystals, gathered plentifully at the neck line and falling into the waist line like a trickle of water. The skirt was much the same, and it shifted and glittered every time she moved. She did her make-up, and she bundled her hair into curls and decided to pair it with her only pair of diamond earrings. They had been a gift from a friend she'd once worked with. She picked out a pair of shoes, pointed, silver and tall. 

She called a car. She noted Finn hadn't come home. 

The event was busy. There were photographers. Rey was thankful that she'd gotten out of the car some distance off, and was able to sneak past the onslaught. It might have been unnecessary, as it seemed that once these photographers realized a person wasn't famous, they lost interest easily. It was a low lit, sparkling affair. There was a good deal of mood lighting, a full bar decorated with food that Rey hadn't ever seen before. She noted the dance floor, and the full band that sat with their instruments, still tuning up. 

She felt alone, until Rose came shuffling up to her. 

“You made it,” She said, relief apparent in her tone. “I thought I was going to have to deal with this all alone,” She said. “Do you want some champagne?”   
“That sounds great, actually,” Rey had to admit she was relieved too. 

On their way to the bar, they were pushed back by a rush of people. Photographers, mostly. They were forced to remain where they were as the busling crowd of excitement passed by them. At their center was Ren, and Kaydel. Ren was dressed in a long coat in a deep shade of blue (that somehow made him look taller), and Kaydel had dressed to match him, her gown reminiscent of the night sky. They made for an attractive couple, and the photographers continued to snap photos for as long as would be allowed. Rey felt sick to her stomach. They pushed right past them, and Ren did not even look her way. 

“It's Ren,” Rose said, with some awe. 

Rey forced herself to look away from them both. The photographers were forced to stop and return to their posts out front once security caught wind of it. Rose took Rey's hand, leaning in to examine her face carefully. 

“Miss Green, are you okay? You look a bit sick,”   
“I'm fine,” She said, taking a deep breath. “How about that champagne?” 

Rey swallowed a few mouthfuls, unable to help herself. She finished off her first glass quickly before reaching for another. She was surprised to see that, through the crowd of people, her roommate was there. He was dressed in a deep plum suit, and she was sure she had never seen him dressed up. He noticed her, and she waved awkwardly at him. He appeared to make his goodbyes to the men he was speaking with and made his way across the room.   
“What are you doing here?” She asked, champagne flute now empty again.   
“It's usually an open invite to the companies in the area,” He said. “You look beautiful. Where did you get that dress?”   
“Oh, last minute addition,” She didn't want to try and explain away how she'd really gotten it. “You look nice,” She said, putting the empty flute down.   
“Thanks,” He noted her counterpart.   
“Oh, this is Rose. Rose, Finn. She's my new assistant,”   
“Nice to meet you,” He shook her hand firmly and she smiled awkwardly.   
“Should we dance?” Finn asked, turning his attention back to her.   
“Sure,” She said. “Rose, I'll be right back,”   
“Have a good time,” Rose said, though Rey could tell that Rose was hoping someone would ask her to dance. 

Finn placed his hand on her waist and took the other in his hand. She placed hers on his shoulder. They began a swinging waltz, and Rey remembered the steps from her dance classes as a kid. It was a bit like riding a bike. 

“We haven't seen each other,” He said.   
“No, you haven't been home,”   
“I'm sorry about the other night,”   
“You don't have to be,” Rey said.   
“I care about you,” Finn said. “I should have told you about Ben,”   
“You're right, though. I wouldn't have come home if I had known,” 

They returned to silence. Rey hated the wedge she felt between them, the one she had felt growing for a long time. Finn was trying to think of what to say, and they both settled into a muddled silence that felt more uncomfortable than not. Rey was distracted when she saw Kylo Ren and his fiancee sweep out onto the floor. She had a smile that was so brilliant and so false that Rey wondered when the last time she had really smiled was. Ren looked aloof, which seemed to be his go-to these days. Rey couldn't help but stare. 

Finn let out an irritated puff of air. 

“You can't even leave him alone when it's clear he's moved on, can you?” Finn was angry again, and they had stopped dancing. “I guess you'll be dancing alone,”   
“Finn,” Rey said, confused by his reaction. “Wait a minute,” 

Rey was left alone in the middle of the dance floor. She was aghast for a few moments, before she realized that someone had stepped up in front of her. He took her by her waist and swept her up into the tempo of the dance. It was Ren. He held her close, her body fitting into the crux of his...just as it always had. Like two jagged puzzle pieces. 

“The dress fits you well,” He whispered into the peach fuzz hair on the nape of her neck.   
“Thank you,” She couldn't help the shiver that raced down her frame. 

She felt wobbly. She saw that Finn had asked his date to dance. Rose watched the whole display with some curiosity. Ren took advantage of how unsteady Rey was. He spun her out and pulled her back, her back pressed against his front. They swayed together, and for a moment it was easy for Rey to forget where she was. It was easy to forget that he wasn't engaged. Kaydel watched with some vague interest. She didn't look surprised, but she didn't exactly look pleased either. 

Ren let her go. She stumbled. 

He had returned to Kaydel. 

_I guess you'll be dancing alone._

She quickly made her way from the dance floor. Ren had already taken to dancing with his fiancee. Finn looked at her, his jaw set. In his eyes she could see he was concerned, however. She felt light headed. She pushed past Rose with her apologies and found her way out into open air. 

It was an open air garden, with a maze like structure of bushes and a good deal of exotic flowers that were probably extremely expensive to keep alive. Rey sucked in mouthfuls of air, trying to combat the feeling of needing to ugly sob in front of every one at the party. Rey looked up to the sky, pressing her hands tightly against her stomach, as if she might steady herself back into control. Finally, after feeling the push of her diaphragm against her hands, she was able to calm herself down. 

Seven years ago, she had felt stuck between the two of them. She felt much the same now. She heard someone walking up behind her, someone in heels. It was Rose, and she had Rey's coat. 

“It's cold out here,” She said, her voice a bit hesitant. “Are you okay? What was that?” Rose had noticed the tension, obviously.   
“I'm fine. Thank you,” She took her coat, pulling it on over her shoulders.   
“Do you think we have to stick around for the entire party?” Rose asked.   
“I don't know,” Rey responded, honestly. She really didn't know what would happen if they left early.   
“I think we should get out of here,” Rose said. “It's awful,” Rose laughed.   
Rey couldn't help but laugh in return.   
“It really is,” She was glad to find someone to agree with her.   
“Do you want to go? I know a great place around here we could get something to eat,” Rose offered. “Something that we know what it is,”   
“Sounds great, actually,” Rey was relieved for a friendly face, and Rose was incredibly friendly.

✤

They were stand-outs at the BBQ place, which was definitely a more casual atmosphere. Rose smiled at the woman who sat them, and Rey let her order for the both of them, since she had been here before. When they were settled in, and the drinks were set out in front of them, Rose poured her something. She did not know what it was, but Rose did. And, the drink was good.

“Did you know him before...you came to work at Imperialist?” Rose asked curiously. “I'm sorry if it's none of my business. It just seems like you know each other,”   
“Oh, yeah, we do,” Rey said, unable to help the tremor that entered her tone.   
“Well, we don't have to talk about it,” Rose said. Rey was grateful.   
“Were you born here?” Rey asked.   
“No, I'm a transplant,” She said. “This is the only place where my mom can get treatment,”   
“Do you live with her?”   
“No, but I'm here to support her as much as I can. She has early onset memory loss,”   
“Oh, I'm sorry,” Rey said. Rose shrugged, taking another drink.   
“It's alright. We all have something, right? I live on my own, with an ornery cat whose age I can never discern,” 

Rey laughed. Maybe the night wasn't a total loss. 

“Do you live on your own?” Rose asked.   
“No, I live with Finn. He asked me to dance,”   
“Oh, right. Are you seeing him?”   
“I...I don't know,” Rey answered honestly. “I don't think so,”   
“Wow,” Rose said, taking another drink. “Seems better to live with an ornery cat,”   
“Yeah, it probably is,” 

They ate until they were full. The food was good, and Rey was impressed. They both stumbled out onto the bustling street, now full of people who were busy getting to their Friday night celebrations. Rey had turned her phone off after leaving the party, thoughtless about anyone attempting to reach out to her on it. Why would they? 

Rey got into a car and Rose did the same, and they both when off in opposite directions after saying goodnight. Rey felt she had an ally, or at the very least, someone who could be a friend. It was nice, considering Rose hadn't been involved with any of her previous friends at all. Rey watched the city as it rolled by. She was struck again with memory, seeing a warmly lit bookstore that she had spent a good amount of time in before she had left. 

“You can let me out here,” Rey said. She used her phone to pay the man before she slid out of the car. 

Rey was, admittedly, a little drunk. She drew a few gazes when she went into the privately owned book store. She was amazed it was still here, after all of this time, considering how few people actually read books that weren't in a digital format. She trailed her fingertips along the book cases, deciding that she would get lost in the winding shelves, dustier the further away they got from the front. 

_You promised me you would read this one._

_And you promised me you would read the last book I gave you._

_**Laughter.**_

_If I get it for you, will you read it?_

_Yes, I promise._

Rey pulled a book from the shelf, turning it over in her hands fondly before she slid it back onto the shelf. She found the stairs. She went up and up, remembering the small cafe that they had set up on the roof of the building. She wasn't surprised to find it was still there, though empty. With how cold it was, it was a bit insane to be out in the open air. Rey was thankful for the cold, it revived her, cooling her red cheeks which were warm from exertion and too much alcohol. 

The roof was surrounded with twinkle lights, and the view of the city was breathtaking. It was one of the reasons Rey had liked the place, especially in the summer when the night fell and it began to cool down. She had spent many hours up here reading books and drinking far too much coffee. She leaned against the banister, her eyes taking in the sights. She expected to feel sad, but she also expected it might have been blunted by how much alcohol she'd had. She hadn't even thought about her phone. 

She didn't know how much time had passed. She'd taken a seat and had been watching the lights blink below and beyond, growing curious about those that were living their lives without any knowledge of her, up there. She wrapped her coat tightly around her as the temperature dropped. She knew she should go home, and that freezing to death up here was certainly not how she wanted to end the night, but she couldn't help but want to linger. 

Suddenly, she felt a solid presence beside her. She glanced, expecting a stranger. It was Ben. Kylo Ren. 

His eyes were on her, his hands shoved into the deep pockets of his long coat, which had been put on over the one he had been wearing previously. There was a scarf hung around his neck. She could see his breath, puffing out into the chilled night air. She stood up quickly, trying to work out why he was there. How long had he been standing there? 

“Why aren't you answering your phone?” He asked.   
“Oh, it's off,” She replied, honestly.   
“Everyone has been looking for you,” Ren said. “You've been unreachable for hours,”   
“I'm sorry,” She said. “How did you know I was here?”   
“A hunch,” He replied. “Miss Green,”   
She almost flinched.   
“I would appreciate it, if in future, you didn't turn your phone off. I'll allow you this one scratch, but you're also expected to remain at events until I leave them,”   
“I apologize,” She said, realizing that she had been unprofessional in leaving. The presence of this man seemed to disconnect her entirely from her rational brain.   
“Your friend is concerned,” He said. “I'll give you a ride home,”   
“No, I can...” She paused. He gave her a look. “...get a car. I've already disrupted your evening enough,” 

How long had he been looking for her? 

He slid out of his coat, draping it around her shoulders. His body heat radiated from the fabric into her flesh. She realized how cold she was. He pulled the fabric around her tightly, his fingertips digging into the lapels. She pressed her lips together, feeling him use the coat to pull her closer. Magnets, they were like magnets – either drawing to, or repelling against. 

She could feel the thrum of her own pulse, quickening. Blood rushed and roared, made more obvious to her by the alcohol that had thinned her blood. 

His phone started to ring. She took a step back, and could see by the ID that it was Kaydel. 

He turned away from her, reminding her just how far away he was. Reminding her that she had pushed him that far. She heard some of the muted conversation, at least from his end. He was promising her he would be there, shortly. Rey slid out of his coat, hanging it carefully over the chair that was beside him. 

Quietly, she slipped down the stairs. 

She was lucky to hail a cab. 

By the time Kylo Ren looked up, he would find she had disappeared into the night, like a ghost.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you crying yet? 
> 
> blurb from the chapter summary is ee cummings '[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]'


	7. VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rainy days and mondays.

✤

Monday came around too soon.

Finn was, apparently, just as good at avoiding confrontation as she was. As far as she knew, he hadn't been home since Friday. She felt bad, driving him out of his own house. She realized that even with seven years come and gone it might have been a bad idea to accept his invitation to move in with him. That morning, she sent him a text that went . 

She decided that she should find her own place. 

She pulled her hair into a high pony tail and dressed warmly. She spent the morning transit looking for apartments on her phone, thinking that with what she had managed to save up at Scavenger she could afford to move, though moving in with another roommate would have been safer. She almost missed her stop, she was so engrossed in looking for an apartment. 

Much to her dismay, she found she was walking in behind Kylo Ren. He was tall in his caramel colored winter coat, his red tie peeking out from beneath his scarf. He was friendly enough to those who said good morning, but most of the staff seemed to view him with awe. He probably cut a mysterious figure, and she realized she might have been one of the only people in the building who had insight into his past. He didn't seem concerned she would expose him, or even paranoid, but Rey tried to find a reason that he had changed his name and his entire look. 

She tried to avoid his notice. She thought she was being successful until he turned around in the elevator and looked at her. He lifted his hand, indicating that she should follow him into the elevator. She looked down, pushing her escaping hair behind her ear. 

“Good morning,” She said awkwardly. Quietly. 

He nodded, indicating that he'd heard her, but he didn't speak. He was focused on his phone, which left Rey standing in the elevator, trying to put as much space between herself and him and possible. 

“I've sent you an outline of our schedule over the next month,” Back to business. “You'll need to attend most of these meetings. I need you to prepare for an oncoming bid,”   
“Bid?”   
“Yes, we're bidding to acquire another company,” He said, though he didn't look at her. His eyes were still on his phone. “Genesis,” 

Rey had heard that name before. She tried to think of where she had heard it, until she realized that it had been Finn and his friends who had talking about it. She thought, perhaps, that Ren might have been interested in bidding just because he wanted to outdo Finn...even though Finn was “just” a higher up and not exactly at Ren's level. 

“Genesis? I thought you had patented your own technology that is similar. What would you be acquiring?”   
“Their research and development department,” He said. “Why are you questioning me?”   
“I'm only curious,” She shifted her bag back onto her shoulder more surely.   
“Expect to work long hours,”   
“Of course,” She said, her voice leaving her. 

When the elevator opened out onto the floor, someone was standing at the bottom of the stairs. Rose hopped up from her desk to quickly say good morning, always managing to beat them in, even though it was early. 

“Ah, Ren,” The ginger haired man said. “I have something I would speak to you about,”   
“Hux,” Ren said, cordially. “Of course,” 

Once they were up the stairs, Rey found her new desk and went about trying to organize everything he had just tossed at her. If she was going to do this to herself, she was at least going to do a good job of it. Rose got her some coffee and handed her a packet full of morning buns that had been painted to look like pandas. 

“These are cute,” Rey said, smiling. “Do you want to share?”   
“Of course! That's why I bought them, for you, knowing you would want to share,”   
“How silly of me,” Rey laughed out, carefully opening the package. “Thank you,”

They shared the buns and drank coffee, chatting away for a few minutes while they were free of anyone watching them. 

“I had the worst headache on Saturday,” Rose said, lowering her voice. “What about you?”   
“Pretty bad,” Rey admitted. “I think it was the champagne,”   
“Ugh, it does usually do that, doesn't it?”   
“Yep, better to stick to straight booze,” 

They laughed. 

Rey looked up, finding that the slatted blinds on the window that overlooked their desks was moving. She got the feeling Ren had been watching them goof off. They got down to work shortly after, though Rey never saw anyone at the window again.

✤

Ren hadn't been joking about working long hours. He often stayed far later than the rest of the building, which only gave Rey the slight feeling of respect. She had been expecting that he would dump the work onto others and leave it to them, but he didn't. She bregrudginly accepted that it did cause her to respect him more, and worked the late hours purely because she enjoyed the fact that if she was always active, there wasn't much to think about.

Two weeks had passed since their unfortunate night out, and it was one such late night where she was squinting at her computer screen as the night grew darker. She had spoken with Finn a few times, and while they were mostly cordial, he hadn't argued with her decision to move as soon as she found a suitable place. Rose had left at the end of the day, with Rey telling her it wasn't necessary to stick around. Rose had felt bad about leaving her, but Rey didn't want both of them suffering the long hours...though her company might have been nice. 

Ren hardly came down, and when he did, he was abrupt and professional. 

That night, Rey realized she wasn't going to be able to keep working unless she turned the lights on, as they didn't automatically shift on once it got dark. Usually, no one was in the office this late. Rey had to put in a key to turn them on, and she yawned as she was punching the numbers into the pad. The lights shifted on, and she was forced to squint. It was brighter than she was expecting. She turned around to find Ren was standing at her desk, looking at her carefully. 

His hair was shining and he was wearing a square pair of dark framed glasses. They weren't for fashion reasons, she knew. She recalled him putting them on after hours of wearing contacts. He slid a folder onto her desk. 

“This is the information I've gathered for the bid,” He said. “I want you to put a presentation together,”   
“Of course,” She said, swallowing down her yawn and forcing herself to stop, mid stretch. She had been looking over previous bids and presentations, and she already had a good amount of ideas on how to improve them.   
“Are you hungry?” He asked, looking her over. She knew she looked exhausted.   
“I was about to order a pizza,” She said. “If you'd like I can order you something,”   
“I need to walk,” He said. “Pizza isn't a meal,”   
“It's better than the bowl of noodles I was planning on,”   
“Not by much,” He smiled. It felt intimate, and Rey looked down quickly.   
“Enjoy your walk,” She said.   
“It's enough for tonight,” He said. “Gather your things, let's go get something to eat,”   
“But...haven't you already got plans?” She asked, surprised by the invite. Kaydel, Kaydel, Kaydel.   
“No,” He was honest, at least.   
“I really should get home,” She said, trying to beg off. She was surprised he had even invited her.   
“You can get home after you eat,” He motioned with his hand, indicating she should get up. “It's part of the deal. Or, you can order pizza and keep working,” 

Oh. So that's how it was to be. She couldn't figure out what he was doing. 

She hesitated. They stood there, just like that, looking at one another for what felt like a very long time. She reached for her coat. It took her a moment to turn her computer off. She looked up at Ren. Did he look pleased? 

She followed him. He stopped, flipping the lights off before stepping into the private elevator. She followed after him, taking one last glance at the now dark office. She would see it again in the morning, but it seemed weird to be leaving even that early. When she looked at her watch, she saw it was only 7:30 in the evening. Rey hadn't been leaving until 9 or 10 at least. 

She knew this was a bad idea, but she was curious. She was curious about this man, now a stranger. A total stranger. 

“Goodnight, Mr Ren,” The security personnel said as they left. He was probably the only person left in the building.   
“Goodnight, ” He said, waiving his hand. 

They both paused once they got outdoors, feeling the chill. Rey was sure she could smell the chill of snow on the air. It would be coming, sooner or later. Ren put his expensive gloves on. Rey simply shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat, drawing it close around her. Rey was expecting a car, but Ren had been serious about walking. Thankfully, the business district was full of places to eat, and Rey was sure they wouldn't be walking long. 

In the twilight of the city, it might have been easy to mistake them for a couple taking a romantic stroll. Of course, Ren's picture had been plastered all alongside Kaydel's all over most entertainment news sites. A few passerby's seemed to recognize him. There was news of their “alleged” engagement posted all over the web, though they had noticed, just as Rey had, that Kaydel wore her engagement ring on her middle finger. Rose had been quick to show her, and Rey had done her best to pretend that it didn't bother her. 

She was sure it wasn't because Ren couldn't afford to have it resized. 

“Kaydel doesn't miss you?” She asked, aware that she might have been toying with an open flame. Ren looked at her.   
“Shall I call her?” She sensed a bit of sarcasm.   
“I just supposed that....” She didn't finish. 

Ren didn't continue on with that thread of conversation. She followed him into a restaurant. It was an interesting choice for Ren, the upright, expensive businessman. It was a hole in the wall joint, and Rey recognized that it was Endorian cuisine. It had been awhile since she'd had it. Searching her memories, she thought that the last time she had eaten Endorian had been with him. 

“Oh, Mr Ren,” The woman at the counter greeted him joyously. “Why didn't you call?”   
“Apologies, Tissandre,”   
“No worry,” She replied. “Who's this?”   
“Rey Green,” He motioned to her. “My assistant,”   
“Nice to meet you,” She was cheerful. “Follow me please,” 

She lead them to a seat where the booths could stand to be replaced, rips and tears obvious in the 'leather'. Besides being a little worn around the edges, Rey was surprised to find she found the place charming...it had the sort of dingy appeal that the old Ben Solo would have loved. Perhaps he wasn't completely gone. Tissandre put the menus down in front of them. She opened it, finding that it was a big menu. She picked out a favorite, and Ren seemed focused on his own menu, though he slid it aside after a few seconds. 

“You know what you want?” The woman asked, coming back with a pad and a pen at the ready. She didn't think many places relied on pen and paper anymore.   
“I'll have the spiced dumpling soup,” He said. “Let me guess,” He leveled his gaze at Rey. “She'll have the same, extra vinegar,”   
Rey blinked out her surprise.   
“Is he right?” The woman asked, smirking.  
“Uh...yes,” She handed the menu back to her.   
“I'll bring you some snack beans and hot tea,”   
“Thank you,” Ren said, handing his menu over. 

Rey was blushing. Ren leaned back as the snack beans and the tea were set down in front of them. He poured her a small cup of it, and then did the same for himself. He took a sip, and Rey followed his movements. The tea was hot, but pleasant. It didn't help her flushed cheeks, however. She took another sip, looking idly over the restaurant in an attempt to find something else to do with her gaze. She didn't want to look at him, was too afraid to look at him. 

He was looking at her. 

“Your taste for vinegar hasn't changed,” He took another sip of tea. “What was it you used to eat? Those flavored chips,”   
“Salt and vinegar,” She said, awkwardly. She took another swallow of tea.   
“Right,” He replied. “Do you still eat them?”   
“No,” This was too much, too close. She didn't want to be talking about it. “Does Kaydel like vinegar?” 

He shifted in his seat. She could sense his annoyance. He took a moment to shrug out of his coat, hanging it off of the back of the chair. He unraveled his scarf and took his gloves off, doing so methodically. She watched him. She was forced to look away from him as he slid his gloves from his fingertips. She felt voyeuristic, watching the skin of his long fingers reveal itself. 

“If you're so interested in her, I can give you her number,”   
“I have it,” She said, wondering at his apparent dislike of talking about her.   
“What about Finn? Does he know about your taste for vinegar?” 

Finn did know, but she really didn't want to end this evening with both of them flipping the table over in the midst of a screaming match. She smirked a bit at the thought, though quickly schooled herself. 

“What's funny?” He asked, looking at her with interest.   
“Nothing,” She replied. Every topic with him felt like a land mine. Unexpected shrapnel would catch her somewhere painful, she was sure.   
“What do you think about our previous bids?” He asked. She was surprised at the topic change.   
“Good information,” She said. “Lacking a bit in future market trends,”   
“You might be right,” He laughed. “Will you include your predictions?”   
“Yes, if I can,”   
“I trust you in this,” 

_In this._ Well, at least it was something. 

“What happened to your previous assistant?”   
“I haven't had one in a year,” He admitted.   
“So...you just decided you needed one?”   
“The work load is heavy. It's helpful to have someone to assist with that,”   
“Right. The definition of an assistant,”   
“I can see they taught you well in Jakku,” She tried to listen for ire, but there was none. His voice was perfectly sanguine. 

Rey was thankful when the food showed up. It was hot, and it warmed her stomach from the chill that had settled in from their walk. It gave them something to do with their hands, and their mouths. Ren ate fastidiously, neatly. She ate a bit more slowly, feeling suddenly overtaken with sadness. The dumplings were so familiar. 

_Are you really going to dump more vinegar in there?_

_So what if I am?_

_Let me try it._

_Ben started coughing._

_Rey started laughing._

_I may have overdone it._

She found she couldn't finish the soup. 

Ren's phone started ringing. He turned the ringer off, putting it back into his suit pocket. 

“You don't have to do that on my account,” She said, watching as he shook his head.   
“I don't,” He said. “I don't like being on the phone during dinner,”   
“It's okay,” She said. “I should get going,” 

She turned to grasp her coat. She opened her wallet, moving to put a bill on the table for her part of the meal. Ren held up his hand, turning it down. 

“It's on me, this time,” 

She was glad when he didn't try to cajole her into staying.

✤

The apartment was still empty. Rey dialed Finn, and it went to voicemail.

“Hey Finn, I didn't move in here with the thought of driving you out of your apartment. Please call me,” 

She was trying to salvage something with him, she just didn't know what, exactly. 

Finn was important to her. He was family, to her. But she didn't know she could give him what he wanted. And she felt sure if she couldn't, it would destroy their friendship. 

Rey took her phone out of her pocket, setting it on the charger. She closed her door behind her, wishing that her house felt more like a home. Right now it just felt like a carcass, empty and devoid of life.   
After looking around her room for a few moments, she began digging through some of the boxes she had yet to unpack. She pulled out a large, leather folio that had been tied up tight with leather strings. She set it aside, pulling out water color paints and a few brushes. It was an old hobby, an old dream she'd given up on: painting. She had to creep out to the kitchen for a paper cup that she filled with water. It wasn't ideal, but it would do. She opened the folio, flipping through paintings that she had done over the years. Ben, Ben, all Ben. She figured she had to do an updated version...but she couldn't bring herself to painting his whole face. 

That night, all she managed to do was paint his eyes, trying to capture their perfect color...flinty under his stormy brow. 

_You can paint. I'll work._

_That isn't reasonable and you know it._

_It doesn't have to be reasonable. It's what you want._

Rey felt hot tears streak down her face. They ruined one of her paintings, dropping and disrupting the water based paint. 

_And what will you do?_

_Make sure you can keep painting._

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all, i know this hurts. 
> 
> please don't hate me for it.


	8. VIII

✤

_Ren was alone in a big apartment. It was the top most floor in the tallest building in Coruscant. It was clean lines and designer furniture. It was empty. He was wearing a robe, and a pair of loose fitting pants that hung low on his hips. His robe was open, even against the night air which caused goose pricks along his pale skin. He had been sleeping. He had been having bad dreams, dreams in which he fell a great distance, only to shock himself awake before he hit ground._  
In his hand was a phone, glowing bright in the dark.

_I miss you, Ben._

_I want you back, Rey._

_His cheeks were cold, and damp. He wiped his face with the palms of his hands._

Rey woke up with a start, a strangled noise of concern escaping her. Bad dream. Sometimes she woke up crying. She wiped the tears away as best she could, tasting the slight salt as they clung to her lips. 

Her phone was ringing. She saw that it was Finn. 

“Hey, I can hear you in there,” He said. His voice was soothing. “Are you alright?”  
“I'm fine,” She replied. “Bad dream,” She was thankful to hear from him. “I'll come out,” 

She put her fuzzy, dark robe on, tying it at her waist. She shoved her phone in her pocket. These days, even on the weekends, she was on call. She was surprised to see Finn was home, though she didn't quite know what he had been doing to fill up his time so thoroughly these days. Rey had been looking for an apartment, but it had sort of fallen by the wayside with how busy she'd gotten. 

“Good morning,” He said. He was bent over a cup of coffee, flicking through his phone.  
“Morning,” She replied. “What are you doing home?  
“Boss said we were working too much. Forced us all to take an actual day off,”  
“I'm glad to see you,” Rey said, pouring herself a cup of coffee and dumping some flavored creamer in it.  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Yeah,” She said, taking a sip.  
“I'm glad to see you, too,” He paused. “I know things have been weird,”  
“Lets just...forget about all of that for one day,” She said.  
“Happy to,” He took another drink of his coffee, setting his phone down. “In fact, I have an idea,”  
“Tell me,” Rey said.  
“The light carnival is in town,” He said. “Should we go?” 

Bumper boats, go-karts, vomit inducing rides, and all of the fried food one could think of. Rey thought it through for a brief moment. And, at night, the fireworks and the lights. 

“I'm in,” She replied. “Can I invite Rose?”  
“Rose?” Finn asked.  
“My assistant. Remember, you met her at that party?”  
“Oh right, Rose,” Finn nodded. “Sure, why not?”  
“I'll go get dressed,” Rey was excited. She was silently praying that Ren wasn't going to call her. 

Rose agreed to meet them there, sounding chipper. She was happy they had a day off, and they both agreed that they would continue to pray that Ren wouldn't call either of them. He'd been on a tear since he'd decided to bid, though lately as the deal drew closer to being over with, he and Hux had been spending time working out details in his office. Rey thought they were both in a good position for Ren to forget he needed them, at least for a day. Rose had stayed late a few nights herself, until she'd fallen asleep at her desk and Rey had been forced to send her home. 

It was a warmer day, despite the recent rash of chilly weather. It was supposed to be one of the last until the city was plunged into winter, and it was a good idea to go out and enjoy it while they still could. Rose met them at the front of the park where everything had been set up. It was bigger than it was last year, and they included a zip line and one of those trampolines that they had to strap people into. 

“Who wants to see if we can get something incredibly fried and incredibly artery clogging?” Finn asked.  
“Oh, me!” Rose said, raising her hand and following after him. 

They spent the day riding the rides over and over again until they got sick of it. It was a bit freeing, and Rey promised herself that she wouldn't worry about anything. Finn and Rose got along really well, both of them naturally inclined to be sociable. Rey didn't find herself feeling like a third wheel, though. At the end of the day when the sunlight began to disappear, the carnival lit up with a thousand lights, all in different colors and sizes. They ate cotton candy and watched the fireworks. 

“I'm hungry for something that isn't candy,” Finn said, glancing at the both of them.  
“No kidding,” Rey replied, dumping the rest of her cotton candy into the bin.  
“Hey, I would've eaten that,” Rose said, pouting.  
“Oops,”  
“Lets go find some real food,” Finn said, intent on dragging the day out for just a bit longer. Rey didn't mind, it was the most fun she'd had in months. Years, maybe. 

Finn found a place that served standard Coruscant cuisine, which was basic fare like hamburgers and french fries. It would do, considering they had all pretty much eaten their body weights in grease that day anyway. They were seated outside, underneath the heaters – right on the water. It was lovely. Rey watched the boats tug by, and turned to find that Finn and Rose were chatting about what on the menu looked appealing. They could bond over food, period. 

Rey looked at the menu herself, and settled on a basic sandwich and chips. She ordered a soda, feeling suddenly worn out but not wanting to head home just yet. 

“Your boss sounds just as bad as ours,” Rose said, shoving some fries into her mouth.  
“Worse, maybe,” Rey smirked. “He is the boss,”  
“Oops,” Rose said, looking at Finn carefully.  
“Not fair, I'm one of the bosses. One of the nice bosses, which is why I work so much,”  
“I can't say Mr Ren doesn't work,” Rose said, taking another bunch of fries down. They were all eating quickly, starving, and trying to talk at the same time.  
“I know he does,” Finn said. She didn't catch that tone that he usually had in his voice, and she was thankful for him to be sensitive enough to hide it for Rose. Rose had no reason to dislike Kylo Ren.  
“Rey works just as much, though. She never leaves unless he has left,” Rose smirked at her. “I tried, but I need at least nine hours of sleep a night to function,”  
Finn snorted.  
“You would,” He said. “Give me a fry,”  
“No!” She tried to swat his hand away, protective of her food. 

They soon waged war over said food, stealing and winning it back only to steal it again. It reminded Rey of Finn back in his younger days. She laughed out loud. 

“You're drawing attention, guys,” Rey pointed out, noting that the diners were watching them like they were unruly children. “I think this restaurant is kid friendly but I didn't realize how bad it would be,”  
Rose flushed from her neck to her forehead. She shoved the rest of her fries and his into her mouth. The battle seemed over then. Finn decided to pick at Rey's food, but she wasn't anywhere near as protective of it.  
“Should we get dessert?”  
“Oh yeah, because 14 pounds of fried and sugared puff pastry wasn't enough,” Rey puffed out, sarcastically.  
“No, it wasn't,” Finn agreed.  
“How did you two meet?” Rose asked, watching the waiter clear away the empty plates.  
“Long time ago,” Finn said. “We've known each other since we were kids,”  
“We lived in the same neighborhood,” Rey admitted. “We met one day after he fell off the jumping bars and knocked the air out of himself,”  
“Been friends ever since,”  
“Oh. What about your families?”  
“Mine is here in Coruscant,” Finn rubbed the back of his neck. A sign he was uncomfortable.  
“I'm an orphan,” Rey said. “But I have a very nice set of foster parents who took care of me through school,”  
“Do you still talk to them?”  
“Sometimes,” Rey said.  
“Makes sense,” Rose leaned back as a cup of hot coffee was set down in front of her. They had ordered flourless chocolate cake.  
“What does?”  
“That you would want to hang onto your friends. I bet you guys feel more like family now,” 

They both paused for a moment and looked at each other. 

“What about Ren? You both knew him before, too, right?” 

Finn leaned back into his seat. It was almost as if Rose had struck gold without meaning to. 

“I met Ren in high school,” Rey admitted.  
“Oh, wow,” Rose replied. “I'm surprised,”  
“Why?”  
“No offense, but...you guys seem pretty chilly to one another,”  
“None taken,” Finn muttered, looking at her.  
Rey rolled her eyes, though she smiled to indicate she wasn't mad, not really. 

They both began arguing about the cake, the minute that it was set down in front of them. Rey didn't want to lose a limb, and she was feeling pretty full, so she didn't even attempt it. She was surprised when her phone started ringing. It was late, and she didn't think it was likely that Ren would be calling. Both Rose and Finn turned to look at her as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. 

“Is it Ren?” Rose asked, obviously preparing herself to have to get up and go into work.  
“No, it's a number I don't recognize,” Rey said. It wasn't one that was in her contacts. “Hello?”  
“Miss Green,” She had a hard time placing the voice. He had an accent. “This is Miss Green, correct?”  
“Yes,” She replied. “Who is this?” She stood up from the table, moving into a quieter part of the restaurant.  
“Apologies for calling so late, Miss Green. This is Armitage Hux,”  
“Oh, Mr Hux. Hello,” She replied. “How can I help you?”  
“Well, I'm in a bit of a situation,” He said. “I've got some papers that require Ren's physical signature, but I can't get a hold of him,”  
“I haven't heard from him. He wasn't in the office?”  
“No, he hasn't been feeling well. I would go to his place, but I'm afraid I'm stuck here waiting for a partner to return a video call,”  
“Oh, I see,” Rey was waiting for him to get to the point.  
“I was hoping if I sent a car for you, you would go to his place and see if he's home,”  
“Oh, Mr Hux,” She said. “I'm out with friends, I'm nowhere near...”  
“ Call me Hux. It's alright. I'll pay for the car, and I'll make sure Ren pays you for overtime. Just write down when you get into the car and when you get home,”  
She hesitated.  
“Miss Green, it's an imposition, I know,”  
“Um, no, it's alright. I'm over by the pier, at a restaurant,”  
“Great, I'll send the car,” He paused, rustling for something. “What's the name?” 

“Who was it?” Finn asked, his mouth full of chocolate. “Hux, one of Ren's partners,” She said. “I have to run an errand,”  
“Should I go with you?” Rose asked, putting her fork down and moving to stand up.  
“No, you two stay here and enjoy the rest of the night. I'm sorry to have to leave so soon,”  
“Let me know you get home okay,” Finn said. She was glad to find that he didn't look, or sound angry. She wasn't sure he could deal with it at that moment. It had been such a good day, after all.  
“I will. Have fun,” Rey left behind a few bills on the table before she grabbed her belongings and hustled out to the front of the restaurant.  
“Bye Rey!”  
She looked back to find they were both waving. 

✤

Rey hadn't been to Ren's home. He lived up in the hallowed hills, the place of town reserved for those who could afford it. There were tall buildings that housed apartments that were bigger than the office, some lit up, some dark. She saw some of the floors had pools, glowing like alien oddities, seeming out of place when they were in the ground – lit up by neon light. She leaned her head out of the window, wondering which one was his. Did he own the entire building? Or just the floor? 

Hux had written instructions down for her on a post-note. The contract was protected in a heavy plastic folder. He had given her the key to Ren's door, and told her that if she couldn't find Ren, she could send the driver back with the contract. She had to wonder what was so serious that it couldn't wait until Monday...but she supposed that's why she wasn't the boss. The driver pulled up into a huge parking garage. He pointed out the elevator, which had an admittedly creepy air to it. 

“Here's my number,” The driver said. “Just give me a call if you're going to be awhile. I'll wait,”  
“Thanks,” She said, taking the scrap of paper and shoving it into her pocket. 

She grabbed all of her belongings, just in case, and quickly walked over to the elevator, glad she was wearing sneakers. High heels echoing through here would remind her of a horror movie, she was sure. She glanced back at the driver, who was watching her. She felt a bit safer, though she didn't know what could happen to her in these upscale apartments. She pressed the elevator button. He was on the very topmost floor (of course). She felt better once the elevator doors closed behind her. 

It stopped on the top floor, but would open until she pressed in the code that Hux had given her. When the doors opened, she realized that his apartment was the entire floor, and the elevator opened out into it. She wondered how he felt safe with the elevator, but she realized that the key code wasn't one that would be easily guessed at. 

The place was dark. The only relief that she had was the light from the back balcony shining in and giving her some sense of where she was. She fumbled for her phone, pulling it out to turn the flash light on. She was trying to see if there was a light switch, but there was nothing. She had to guess that they were on a timer, or perhaps controlled by a remote. 

She swung her flashlight around to her left, and found that someone was looming there in her vision. She let out a gasp of air, dropping her phone with a thud. Thankfully, it sounded as if it had landed on carpet and not cold, hard ground. The lights flicked on, and since her eyes had adjusted somewhat to the dark, she squinted against the sudden intrusion. 

Rey found that it was Ben that was standing there. She was gasping, taking in mouthfuls of air. Frightened. He looked like a ghoul. His eyes were red rimmed, his nose was red and his skin was sallow. She realized he was barely dressed, having thrown on a robe for some semblance of modesty though he left it hanging open. At least he was wearing pants. He had put on weight, and a good deal of muscle mass. She reached up with her hand and quickly covered her eyes. 

“You scared me,” She gasped out.  
“ _I_ scared **you**?” He asked, incredulous. “What are you doing here?”  
“Please, uh,” She pointed. He glanced down before very slowly glancing back up at her. He tied the robe, though he obviously felt it was ridiculous. She opened her eyes. “Hux has been trying to reach you. He said that he needs your signature on this, ASAP. He wasn't able to leave the office for some reason,” She reached out, contract in hand. “He wasn't sure if you were here or not,”  
“I've been asleep,” He said. She could hear it in the nasally pitch of his voice. He was sick. He certainly looked sick. “Here,” He grabbed the contract from her, moving over to a desk that was placed in front of the window. Likely so that he could see the city while he worked. 

She got a look at the place while he was flipping through the paperwork. It wasn't exactly stark, but it had the simple quality to it that his office had. The decoration seemed to center on the view itself, self conscious in that it didn't want to overtake the city beyond. There were no dark colors, but rather, a bevy of warm and neutral tones. It was beautiful, but it wasn't welcoming. The entire apartment spanned one floor, and there were very few walls to break up the room, instead everything had been positioned to give the appearance of rooms. The only room that was boxed off was his bedroom, though from what she could see even the view spanned there. The city lights were breathtaking. It gave her the feeling that nothing bad could happen to her here. 

When she looked back at him, she found he was looking at her. 

“That's right, you've never been here,” He said. “Here,” He handed her the paperwork.  
“No,” She replied. “Thank you. I'll get it back to him immediately,”  
“How did you get here?”  
“He sent me in a car,”  
“Is it Frank?”  
“Yes,” She said, blinking. “He's waiting, so I'd better go. I'm sorry for startling you,”  
“Call him,” He said. “I'll send him back with it,”  
“He's my ride,” Rey said.  
“I don't enjoy requesting this of you,” He began, sounding positively miserable. “But would you stay, for awhile?”  
“Oh, Ren, I can't do that, what if---” She wanted to mention Kaydel. She didn't.  
“Don't believe everything you read,” He muttered, and she wasn't sure she'd heard him right. “What?”  
“Nothing. I don't like being alone when I'm sick. I'll pay you,”  
She laughed, sadly. She couldn't help it. She knew he didn't like being alone when he was sick.  
“Fine,” She said. “I'll stay for awhile, but how will I get home?”  
“I'll call the car back,” 

She picked her phone up off the floor, relieved to discover that it wasn't cracked or broken. She dialed the number he'd given her. He said he would meet her at the elevator in a few moments. She assumed he knew the code, and wasn't surprised when the doors opened and let him out into the apartment. She handed him the signed contract. He gave her a nod and stepped back onto the elevator. 

“Doesn't that concern you?” She asked.  
“No, I change it every day,”  
“Oh,” She replied. 

She stood there awkwardly. Ren had sat himself down on his sofa. He looked exhausted. Rey shrugged out of her coat, setting it out of the way. She put her phone down beside it, making a mental note to text Finn as soon as she got a chance to. 

“You look awful,” She said. “Why don't you go back to bed? I'll...um, make you some tea,”  
“I'll stay here,”  
“Where's your kitchen?” 

Ren pointed. She followed the way he was pointing, happy to find there was an obvious light switch in the kitchen. It was all white, which she found a bit surprising. She found the electric kettle and filled it with water. 

“Tea?” She shouted.  
“Second drawer to the left of the sink,” 

Rey made the tea and returned to the couch to find that Ben had curled up on it. She had brought some cold medicine that had taken forever to find. She set the tea down in front of him, along with a glass of water and the bottle full of the medicine. It was like a shot, one drink in a few swallows that was supposed to make the illness less awful. 

“Thank you,” He said.  
“Uh...sure,” She replied. 

He sat up for a moment to swallow back the medicine. He drank the full glass of water, and then managed to get the tea down in a few swallows. Rey was impressed, but she only had herself to compare to. She usually let tea sit for too long – a second past when it was no longer hot enough. Ren solved that problem by swallowing it all no matter what temperature it was. She stood up, gathering the nearby blanket that was tossed over an arm chair. She handed it to him as he laid back down, doing her best not to touch him as she helped him tuck it around himself. 

It was too little, too late. He reached out and took her hand. He felt warm, really warm. 

“Thank you,” He said, his voice a quiet rasp. 

Rey wondered if he shouldn't go to the hospital, but he wouldn't let go of her hand.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some fluff to break up the utter misery. 
> 
> this is the last from me this weekend...i have to go to le sleep to go to le poopoo job. 
> 
> i'll be updating fast though, so keep an eye out!


	9. IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thought you were only just a shadow  
> but you were all light

✤

Rey woke up with the sun shining directly into her face. She squinted, lifting her hand to try and cover her eyes. She was stiff, and cold, and she had slept in such a way that made it difficult for her to turn her head. She sat up and realized she wasn't at home. The direct sunlight should have been her first indication of that. She stretched her arms heavenward, trying to work the kinks out of her back before she remembered where she was, exactly.

She panicked. 

She had intended to go home before the sun came up. Ren had finally fallen asleep at some point during the late hours, and apparently so had she. She carefully got up from the couch, doing her best not to disturb the sleeping behemoth that was positioned at the other end of the couch. She satisfied herself that he hadn't moved, and quickly pulled her sneakers onto her feet. One of them caught at the heel, and she was forced to bend down and correct it. She felt like every second she lost was a precious one. 

At least, she thought they were...until she turned the corner and Ren came into view. 

He was dressed for a work out. They nearly bumped into each other. He took a drink of water from the bottle that he held in his hand and looked at her as if he wasn't surprised that she was trying to disappear before she was noticed. Still panicked, her gaze slid back over to the lump on the couch. It really looked like someone was sleeping there. 

“Good morning,” He said, moving to block her path to the elevator. It didn't seem intentional, but he busied himself with something. He was sweaty.  
“Morning,” She replied, awkwardly. “I didn't mean to be here still, I'll get out of your hair. You look much better, though,”  
“I am better,” There was that stormy look. “Stay for breakfast,”  
“I really should get home,” She realized she had forgotten to text Finn. 

When she pulled her phone out of her pocket, she saw that she had a few angry text messages from Finn. She looked at Ren, who was still regarding her with his flinty eyes. It was if he knew what she was concerned about. She slipped her phone back into her pocket, wanting to avoid another scuffle. She was learning to pick her battles, if only to keep from being stuck between the two of them. She recalled what Ren had said the night before, but he had been delirious and sick. Don't believe everything you read. Rey wanted to protect herself. She didn't know how much to believe. 

“I owe you breakfast,” He was in one of his stubborn moods. “As I recall, you don't know how to cook,”  
“I do now,” She said defensively. Oops. 

He smiled. He turned away from her, water bottle still in hand. He disappeared into his bedroom, but when she peeked again she was quickly forced to look away. He was undressing. She realized it was an opportunity to bolt. She made her way to the elevator doors quietly, though as soon as she got there she paused. She thought about having to face up to him on Monday. She pulled her phone out and sent a text to Finn:  
**Finn, I'm so sorry. Ren is sick and he asked me to stay. I ended up falling asleep.**  
_It's okay. Just glad you're alright._

She was a bit surprised by his response, but she didn't think too much about it. She set her bag down by the couch and turned to find that Ren had reappeared. His hair was wet, darker with the water. It hung in tendrils around his face, and was long enough to slide at his neck and shoulders. Rey watched the water slide down his skin, and fought the urge to reach out and wipe it away. She quietly cleared her throat and looked away, happy when he pulled a thin white t-shirt on. Fully clothed, finally. 

Rey was sure she had morning breath. She took a moment to re-tie her ponytail and tried to keep her mouth shut. She was angry with herself for caring. What did it matter? 

She was trying not to think about the implications of her mistake. The grand mistake of falling asleep here and staying the entire night. She was hoping against hope that he wouldn't tell Kaydel, but she was almost sure she would not be so lucky. He brushed past her, leaning in for just a moment. 

“Are you coming?” 

She took a careful step back, watching him lead the way into the kitchen. She followed after a few moments. She watched him begin the process of moving around the kitchen. He had always been good at cooking. She wondered how often he made Kaydel breakfast, but the feeling that she had been pelted in the chest with a small rock struck her. She tried to push the thought from her mind. She wanted to ask, but she managed not to. 

“Can I help?”  
“The last time you helped me, I was grievously wounded,”  
“You were not,” She scoffed.  
“Yes I was,” He lifted his hand, showing the small, silver scar he had at the base of his thumb. 

She couldn't help the smirk that twisted her mouth. 

“Just sit down, I'll manage,” He pointed to the kitchen table.  
“Fine,” She conceded, though she felt a bit like a scolded child. 

She sat down at the kitchen table. Rey watched as he poured her a cup of coffee from an expensive looking machine that looked as if it could make any kind of drink requested. He set it down in front of her, and she slid it towards her, enjoying the warmth slipping into her cold fingertips. She took a drink of the liquid, still black. 

“I also recall that you used to drink your creamer and sugar with a little bit of coffee,”  
“People change,” Her tone was grumpy. Really, it was hurtful, each time she recalled one of these little memories. The past she hadn't dealt with, creeping up on her. 

She remembered a time when she would have been happy to kiss him all day until they both had swollen lips and still would have wanted to kiss him some more. She cleared her throat and took another sip of the coffee. It burned her tongue. 

“How do you like your eggs?”  
“Scrambled,” She said.  
“So some things don't change,”  
“I guess not. Would you just cook?” 

They remained in silence while he focused on what he was doing, and eventually the kitchen began to smell like breakfast. He sat a plate full of food down in front of her, which was mostly healthy : whole grain toast, eggs, fruit. With how he looked, she was sure he didn't spend much time eating junk food. Rey was thankful for it, considering she had a bit of a sugar hangover from the previous days' outing. 

Ren sat down across from her. They ate in silence. She took the time to study him, though she wasn't able to do it without being studied herself. His eyes caught hers. 

“What?” He asked.  
“Nothing,” 

Rey remembered the morning she'd cut him. It had been an accident, a downfall of Rey's butterfingers. The knife had slipped right from her hand, and in an unfortunate twist of bad luck, had stuck itself right into Ben's hand. Rey had been overtaken with horror when the blood started welling and then slipping atop the counter with low velocity splat. She had been so concerned about how much blood there was that she had started crying and apologizing like a toddler who had spilled something. Ren had kissed her and told her he would be fine. The cut turned out to be so small Rey had wondered at the amount of blood that had come forth. 

She smirked a bit, thinking about it. 

“You keep doing that,” He said, and she realized he was staring at her.  
“What?”  
“Laughing and then not telling me why you're laughing,”  
“Oh,” She tried to think of how to recover. She put a grape in her mouth. “I was remembering how upset I was when I cut your hand,”  
Ren laughed. For a moment it was as if he was Ben again.  
“I don't think I had ever seen you cry that much,”  
“There was so much blood!” She said, trying to defend herself.  
“Was that what it was?” He asked. He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but he didn't.  
They went back to eating. Rey finished her food after Ren, who was working on drinking his coffee. He was looking at her again, though she couldn't read his face very well. Stalwart and stoic. 

“Why don't you stay? For the day,” 

Rey found she wanted to. She wondered if kissing him would be the same now. She wondered if they were both better at it. But then, then, the list of reasons why not came flood in. Kaydel. Finn. She worked for him. She had dumped him, and told him she didn't want him. How could she have any claim to him now? 

Rey didn't answer. She slid out of her seat, retrieving his plate and hers. 

“What are you doing?”  
“Wasn't it always that if someone cooked, someone else did the dishes?” 

Rey had done a lot of dishes. She didn't mind doing a few more. 

Ren got up, though she wasn't expecting him to come up behind her. He was a wall of solid mass, and she should have been uncomfortable with how close he was. She wanted to lean back against him. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was. She felt him draw the pad of his index finger down the nape of her neck, from her hairline to the neckline of her shirt. 

“It's snowing,” She felt his breath at the back of her neck and she sucked in a breath of air. She still felt like she was drowning. “Stay,” He said. 

She turned around, finding he was so close that she had to push herself back against the sink. He pushed forward, using his height to his advantage. 

“Why do you keep doing this?” She asked, finding it was increasingly difficult to get the words out.  
“What?”  
“I'm your assistant, Ren,” She reminded him, unable to look at his eyes. “And...we can't. I really should go,” 

She slipped out from the sink, finding that she couldn't catch her breath. He made it difficult to catch her breath. 

“I think that's a good idea,” 

The foreign voice shocked them both. Rey looked to find that it was Kaydel, standing in the entrance to the kitchen. She looked like snow puff, in all white with dark tights and thigh high boots. Rey stopped breathing, for the third time that month. How long had she been standing there? Ren didn't appear to be vexed by her presence. He leaned up against the sink before he turned to face her. 

“Good morning, Ren,” She said, moving over to the kitchen table to eat a grape. “I guess I wasn't aware of the fact that you kept such long hours with your assistants,”  
“I was just leaving,” Rey said.  
“I'm sorry he has you working for long hours,” Kaydel said. There was no genuine feeling in it.  
“It's...” Rey sighed. “It's nothing to apologize for. He was sick,”  
“Well, thank you for watching over him in my absence,” 

Rey tried to keep herself composed in the elevator. Ren had tried to call the car for her, but she had been in such a hurry to get away from the whole situation that she was sure he hadn't. She broke out into the parking garage. She sucked in a deep breath of air. It was cold, and the cold was a bit like a slap in the face. 

This was what she had been expecting. This was what she knew was happening. He was going to marry Kaydel. She was going to get what she always wanted: him. Rey wasn't going to cry over this. She fought it, swallowing back the sobs that threatened to come up like vomit. It was a fruitless endeavor. She was already crying before she had even started to try and keep it back. It came like a flood, making her cheeks cold and damp. 

“Miss?” It was the driver. He'd gotten out of the car. “Are you well, Miss?”  
“I'm fine,” Rey sniffed, trying to wipe her nose.  
“Mister called,” He said. “Told me to take you anywhere you want to go,” 

Rey got in the car.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man you guys are all lit up over this fic! i love it. 
> 
> thanks for the support even though i know we're all suffering together. 
> 
> blurb in the summary is from drab majesty's 'cold souls'


	10. X

✤

The week had half passed, and she had only seen Ren in brief moments. Once, he had come in with Kaydel on his arm and Rey had quickly excused herself and run into the break-room, confusing Rose and upsetting herself. She didn't think she could stand one of Kaydel's 'kill her with kindness' conversations in which all of the words she said were kind in theory, but none were genuine. And, something about seeing him with her made her sick to her stomach.

It wasn't fair. Even after all she had done to him, it wasn't fair. 

She had done her best to avoid him, only stopping in to drop off paperwork. He had tried, a few times, to draw her out. She had kept her composure. It had been a cold reminder that they were't in high school anymore. Rey had cut ties with him. He did not belong to her. 

Maybe he never had. 

On Thursday night, Rose had left early. She had a previous appointment with her mother, and Rey hadn't felt the need to run it by Ren. She was sure he wouldn't even be down from his office. Once he was, Rey planned to be gone for the evening. He surprised her by coming down much earlier than usual. She hadn't even heard him on the stairs. She looked up from what she was doing to find him standing in front of her. He was handsome, and fully recovered from his illness. She found she liked the color blue on him. 

He slid something in front of her. When Rey looked at it, she realized it was an airplane ticket. 

“What is this?”  
“We're going to Naboo,” He said.  
“Why?”  
“It's where Genesis headquarters is,” He paused. “And the CEO wants us to experience his city before he makes a decision about the bid,”  
“I see,” Rey said. She was already trying to think of reasons that she couldn't go. She realized that none of them would be acceptable to Kylo Ren.  
“Go home,” He said. “We're leaving early tomorrow morning and I'm sure you'll need to pack,”  
“Tomorrow?” Rey asked, standing up.  
“It was, admittedly, a bit last minute,”  
“Alright,” She said. She was doing her best to keep their conversations professional.  
“I'll send the car for you around 6 am. Be ready,”  
“Of course, Mr Ren,” She said. 

He looked as if he was about to say something, but she breathed a sigh of relief when he left her be.  
“Goodnight, Miss Green,”  
“Goodnight,” She replied. 

It was the first night where she left the office before he did. 

When she got home, Finn was there. He was sitting on the couch, watching some horror movie on the streaming service. She set her belongings down with a sigh, before sitting down next to him on the couch. 

“Long day?”  
“Yeah. I guess I'm going to Naboo,” She flashed the ticket at him.  
“Naboo? Are you joining the guard?” He asked, laughing a bit.  
“No,” She replied, swatting him with a pillow.  
“Rey,” He asked. “Do you still want to move out?”  
“I'm not sure,” She admitted. “I don't like it when you avoid your own home just because you don't want to see me,”  
“I'm afraid that you living with me hasn't done you any favors,” He said.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I don't know, Rey,” He began fiddling with the fringe on the pillow. “Nevermind,”  
“What are you watching?”  
“Something stupid,”  
“I've got to go to bed. 6 am,” She said, slowly getting up from the couch.  
“Ugh,” Finn muttered. “There's one of those in the morning?”  
“Shut up,” She laughed. “You're usually out of the house by seven,”  
“But not because I want to be,” He looked at the TV. “If you're hungry I ordered a pizza,”  
“Nah, I had something at the office,”  
“Rey,” He turned to look at her. “Be careful,”  
“Be careful? Why?”  
“Ren is a different man now than he was,” His eyes were on the pillow fringe. “I don't want you to get hurt,”  
“Ok, I'll be careful,” 

It sounded a lot like a conversation that they had already had. She did, however, feel like he was her friend again.

✤

_I like him, Rey. Kaydel's voice was unsteady. There were tears in her eyes._

_Rey's heart was a stone, slowly sinking in her chest._

_I didn't want to tell you. I didn't know to tell you._

_Rey was suddenly afraid of losing her._

_She didn't know what to say, so she took Kaydel's hands in her own._

_Finn's words echoed in her head._

_You can't be serious about him. You just can't be._

Rey woke up without meaning to. She looked at the clock. It was 4 am. 

Ren hadn't always been a businessman. When she had known him, he had been a kid with a dream and no money. They were too young, too stupid. Were they sure about each other? Rey had heard it, from every angle. No one liked Ben except for her. Not even Finn, who was predisposed to liking people. Ben's problem had been that he didn't care to impress anyone but her. He tried, but sometimes his interpersonal skills had fallen flat. 

She had known Kaydel and Finn since she was a girl. They had been like siblings to her. 

**I lost them both, anyway.**

She decided to get out of bed and get ready for the flight. She had packed all of the items she would need the night before. She remembered Naboo being colder than Coruscant this time of year, so she had packed every warm item of clothing she had. Carefully, she showered and dressed, trying to be quiet so as not to wake Finn. She crept out into the kitchen and, instead of messing around with the coffee maker, stole one of Finn's energy drinks and a protein bar to hold her over until she could get something more substantial. When she looked at the clock, she was disappointed to find that she hadn't killed much time at all. 

Without meaning to, she thought back on her first days in Jakku. She thought about how restless and sorrowful she'd been, and how difficult it had been to get through the day without breaking down and weeping in front of her new team. It had been her boss who had noticed that something was wrong. He was the first one to offer to take her out for a drink with the team. 

_What's all that crap about loving something and letting it go?_

They had both laughed, Rey through her tears. It had been easier then. She felt less alone, though it didn't stop her from being yoked to her phone. Every time Ben called, her chest ached. She wanted to answer it. She wanted to tell him, why hadn't she just told him? 

_I'm always left behind. They wanted to leave me behind, too._

They had all been kids. Stupid, dumb kids. And by the time Rey had realized it, she was sure it was too late. And then, it was too late. 

When Rey tried to think about all of her reasons, she tasted ash in her mouth. Ash, and sorrow. 

When the door bell rang, it was as if a few minutes had passed. She hadn't realized she'd cleared all the time by reminiscing. However, she was glad for it, even if her chest tightened with anxiety. She was going to focus on the job. This wasn't about Ren. It was about her work. 

She opened the door to find the driver there. He took her suitcase and loaded it into the car for her. It was freezing, and she pulled her gloves out of her pockets and slid them onto her hands. The driver opened the back door of the car for her, and she slid into the heated seat, next to Ren. He was wearing a cream colored coat which made his hair look darker than it was. He was on the phone, swiping idly along on one of his 'Imperialist' tablets. He nodded at her as a sparse greeting, but he stayed on the phone until they got to the airport. 

They checked their luggage and were past the gates before long, bypassing the line completely. Rey wondered at it, but Ren had more money than God. It made sense that he would use some of it to skip the line at the airport.

By the time they were on the plane, Rey was yawning. She was regretting how early she'd gotten up. Her and Ren were in first class, right beside one another. She was trying to stay awake. It would have been the professional thing to do. She didn't realize that Ren had noticed. When the flight attendant came by, he asked for two coffees. She glanced at him briefly, finding that he was back to looking over his documents. When the attendant came by, she was quick to take the coffee and take a few sips. Ren did the same, managing his tablet and his coffee gracefully without spilling either. 

“You can sleep,” He said, glancing at her. “We'll have time before the meeting for you to change,”  
“What if you need something?”  
“I won't need anything between here and Naboo,” He smiled. “Go back to sleep,” 

She tried to stay awake, but shortly after take off, she fell back asleep. 

_Rey._

_Rey._

_And again, more insistent._

_**Rey.** _

“We're here,” It was Ren. 

She decided that being woken up on a plane was not something she enjoyed. She had taken the stort of nap that left her feeling more exhausted than she had before. She supposed that now she would be able to keep her eyes open, and the rest she could cover with makeup. Ren handed her a coffee once they in the airport. It was magical, how he seemed to procure coffee. 

They got to the airport with little to no conversation, though Rey realized that her room was right beside his. She pulled open her suitcase and changed into something suitable for the meeting. It was a deep, navy blue dress with a swing skirt. She put on dark tights and a pair of tall boots. She and Ren managed to exit their rooms at the same time. He was wearing a pin striped suit in navy. Of course, she had chosen the same color. She pulled her jacket on and looked at him as he looked at her. 

“It needs something,” He murmured.  
“What, my dress?” Rey asked, suddenly self conscious.  
“Here,” He handed her a small box. 

She was confused. She opened the box. Inside, there was a glittering silver star. It was beautiful. She opened her mouth to say something. Ren held up his hand. 

“Before you you decline, consider it a loan,”  
“Somehow that makes me feel a bit better,” 

They laughed. 

He drew her hair back away from her neck. She fought the shiver. He clasped it around and let it dangle, and Rey took a moment to adjust it to her liking. It sparkled prettily at her throat, hanging right in her clavicle. 

“Thank you,”  
“Sure,” He said, before they were interrupted by Ren's phone. 

The meeting was a fairly standard one. The CEO of the company, Poe Dameron, treated them to tea and lunch. The on-goings were friendly. Eventually, Rey was forced to follow Ren and their party into a board room. She pulled out her laptop and prepared herself to take notes, though she wasn't sure she would need to. 

Mr Dameron sat at one end of the table and Ren sat beside him. They talked for a few moments, keeping to the friendly banter before it appeared it was time to get down to business. 

“I must admit, I'm impressed with your company, Ren,” Poe said. “A bit disappointed in your offer, however,”  
“What's disappointing?”  
“I feel you might be underestimating the investment,”  
“I believe that any returns you make joining Imperialist will more than suffice, even with the lower bid,”  
“In fact, this bid looks fairly similar to one I've seen,”  
For a moment, Ren looked confused, but only for a moment. 

They went back and forth. Rey tried to keep up, but had to resort to short hand to get all of her notes down with how rapid fire the conversation was. She lost track of the time, though when she looked at the clock on her computer she realized that a good deal of it had passed. Finally, Poe stood up and buttoned his jacket. He offered his hand.  
“I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline your offer,” He said. “But I hope to work with you in the future,”  
Ren looked surprised. Even a bit disappointed. He carefully schooled his features, however. He stood and shook the offered hand.  
“Of course,” He replied. “Thank you for your consideration,” 

The departures were friendly. Rey wasn't exactly sure what had happened. She kept thinking about the bid structure looking similar to another bid. It was unusual, considering how singular Imperialist was. Ren was quiet in the car, his thoughts miles away. Rey toyed with the star around her neck, trying to think of something useful to say. She stayed quiet until they got back to the hotel, and he disappeared into his room. 

They were supposed to stay for another day. Rey was hoping to see the city, even though it was chilly. She slept well that night, if only because she was completely exhausted. When she woke up the next morning, she dressed and went down to the dining hall. She saw Ren sitting at one of the tables. His breakfast was half eaten. She wasn't sure if she was reading into recent events, but he looked...solemn. He was wearing his glasses, and he'd dressed down in a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt that said 'Coruscant U' on it. 

She hadn't been planning on inviting him, but something drew her forward. She came across the hall, standing in front of the table. She loomed like he sometimes did, and finally, he looked up from his tablet and saw her. She smiled. 

“Should we go see the sights?” She asked. She had a small fear he might turn her down, but for once, she didn't care. He looked like he needed rescuing for once.  
He leaned forward, setting his tablet down. He plucked another bit of fruit from his plate. She wondered if he was going to keep her waiting, or just decline to answer completely.  
Finally, he spoke:  
“Lets go.” 

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to put on a helmet and hope you guys don't pelt me with rocks for some of rey's reasoning for dumping ben. 
> 
> also. 
> 
> please don't pelt me with rocks. 
> 
> i have feelings. feeeeelings!


	11. XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yet eyes this cunning want to grace their art;  
> They draw but what they see, know not the heart.

Ren stood up from this breakfast and pulled his long coat on. He followed her out into the street. She smiled at him, though when she moved to walk across the street, she turned to find Ren wasn't following her. 

“We're really going to walk?” He asked, amazed.   
“Yes?” Rey responded. “It's not as fun if we drive. Besides, walking is good for the maudlin,”   
“The maudlin? Is that what I am?”   
“You looked pretty solemn,” 

She took his hand. He looked at her for a moment before he followed after her. 

Rey had been to Naboo before, but she had been when it had been warmer. She knew a few of the points where tourists liked to go, but for a time they just walked. Ren walked a few steps behind her, his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the city around them. She was heading in the direction of the gardens, which surrounded Naboo's highly sought-after college. It wasn't just any college, it was technically reserved for those who joined the guard. Still, they allowed people to walk the gardens, and even though it was cold, there were flowers that bloomed all year 'round. 

“Let's stop here,” Ren said, motioning to a book store. Rey thought it was like him to find the only one in the city. 

She hesitantly followed him in. It was easy to keep track of him, he stood so tall above the others. He drew gazes, though Rey did her best not to take notice of it. Naboo tended to glamorize the rich, and Ren was certainly that. She watched him head into the back of the store. What he had said was right. Some things didn't change. 

Rey took a moment to look at the newer books. She knew it was unusual to publish books now a days, unless they were published in digital format. She enjoyed holding books, though. She picked one up, flipping through it. She decided she would buy it, as a souvenir. She followed him through into the back of the stacks. Like the book store in Coruscant, the farther back they got, the older the books got. She peered around each stack of books, surprised to find Ren sitting down with a pile of books in front of him. He was capable of spending hours inside of a book store. 

She moved to stand beside him, bending down to examine the books he'd pulled out. He looked up at her, and she heard him inhale a small breath of air. 

“What did you find?” He asked, taking the book from her hand.   
“Just thought I would get something, to remember the trip,” She let him take it out of her hands. “What did you find?”   
“Just a few books I've been looking for,”   
“Where do you keep them all? I didn't see a place for them in your apartment,”   
“I have a house in Coruscant,” He said, nonchalantly.   
“Oh,” She was surprised. “I didn't realize,”   
“I stay in the apartment when I'm working...which is most of the time,”   
“So you have an empty house, full of books?”   
“Something like that,” He paused in his inspection of the books to look at her. 

Rey was the one who broke the eye contact first, looking down at the shelves. She heard him slide a book back onto the shelf. He sat her book atop his pile, and she moved to take it back. His hand grasped hers, preventing her from grabbing it back. He smirked, returning to his activity. 

She had once asked him why he liked books so much. He had told her that they were different worlds, so that one could forget about their own for awhile. Ren had lost his parents when he was young, his father first and then his mother. When she had met him, they had both passed on. She supposed it was part of the reason why they had been drawn to one another. They were both orphans. 

After awhile, Ren stood up. He offered his hand to her, and she took it. He hoisted her up off of the ground. She had grasped his forearms, and he had taken her by her waist. For a moment, it felt like they were two kids who still thrilled at the brief contact. She hated to admit to herself that she still did. She felt every brush of his fingertips keenly, almost as if his touch left behind glowing marks on her skin. 

It was something that was particular to him. She'd never experienced it with anyone else. 

He let her go after a few short moments, bending down to retrieve the books he'd plucked off of the shelves. They slowly made their way back through the store, where he purchased the books (including the one she had picked out). She thought to try and stop him, but she realized it would be fruitless, and they would have been arguing in front of the clerk. 

“Send these to the hotel,” He said, giving the clerk a card with the information.   
“Sure,” She said. “Are you visiting?”   
“For a couple of days,” He said, sliding his wallet back into his pocket.   
“You found some great books,” The clerk said, smiling at him. It was like Rey was invisible.   
“Thank you,” Ren said, turning away from the counter and grasping Rey's hand. 

She pulled her hand carefully from his once they were out on the street. He looked at her closely, but she wasn't able to gain any real insight to how he was feeling. 

“I'm guessing you had somewhere in mind,”   
“Right,” She recalled her intentions for the day. “Come on,” 

They walked along together. There was silence between them, but Rey found it wasn't an uncomfortable one. He did seem miles away at times, his gaze on the road ahead or far out into the horizon. When they found the gardens, Rey beat Ren to the punch. She paid for the tickets, though he looked a bit unhappy that she had. She smiled, unable to hide the fact that she was happy to get one up on him. He had a skill in being the first one to take his wallet out. 

The garden was lit up with Christmas lights, which came with the time of year. They were all different colors, some of them showcasing the odd flowers that dared to grow during such a cold season. Ren paused occasionally to read the tags for some of the plants, liking the ones that were distinctly poisonous. Rey was surprised to find that they were some of the only bodies occupying the space, though it was a week day and it was getting colder as night drew nearer. 

“You've been here before?” He asked, coming to stand beside her. He was warm.   
“Yes, once,” She said. She shoved her hands into her pockets. She wished she had brought her gloves.   
“What about there?” He pointed up. 

Rey followed his gaze, up high, realizing he meant the pods that looked out over the city. They were expensive, and she had contented herself that the garden was enough. 

“No, never there,”   
“Let's go,”   
“Ren-” It was too late, he was already on his way. 

Ren was quick on the draw this time, and she realized she might never get the draw on him again. They were allowed to enter a sort of elevator that took them up high. They were given a small badge that allowed them to enter one of the clear pods. It didn't have a floor, and for a moment Rey felt extreme vertigo. It was unsettling not having something solid to look at while walking on it. She fell back, and Ren caught her, keeping her steady. 

Rey hated to lean on him, but he didn't seem to mind. In fact, she didn't seem to unsettle him at all...not in the way he unsettled her. She pulled herself back, using the walls of the strange little pod to keep herself upright. When she looked away from her feet and out to the horizon, she found that she was able to forget the vertigo. Naboo wasn't as large or as bustling as Coruscant, but the lights began to sparkle just as well as they did in Coruscant. It was breathtaking, almost prettier than Ren's view from his top floor office. 

Ren surveyed all that was below him, a smile lifting his lips. Even he seemed pleased by the view. 

“Were there lights like this in Jakku?” His voice was quiet, suddenly near.   
“No,” She said, turning around to find he was standing right beside her. “Some lights, not many,”   
“I have never been there,” 

Rey wasn't sure what to say. For one moment, she wished that the past wouldn't impede on the present. She didn't want to talk about Jakku. 

“Thank you for the book,” She settled on being gracious instead. “I'm beginning to suspect that the necklace wasn't a loan,”   
“No,” He said. “In fact, I've had it for years,” 

Her fingertips quickly reached up to grasp the small star. She realized with some anxiety that this was what she had shoved back at him that day. She should have given it back to him. She should have, but greedily, she found she didn't want to. Maybe it was the fact that they were so far away from Coruscant, and it was so easy to push every bullet point as to why she should not accept it from her mind. 

He leaned into her. She found she could do nothing but close her eyes. 

She felt the whisper of his breath on her forehead, the press of his warm lips there. It was brief. He kissed her eyelids, so slow, and trembling, as if she burned him. He kissed her cheeks, and finally, his mouth landed atop hers. He was slow, soft. And then, it was as if someone had set a light to paper. Slowly, the kiss ate away at her. Her fingertips found the lapel of his coat, almost clumsily. He broke from her, leaving her breathless and heaving. She felt his warm breath, coming out in puffs.

“Ben,” She whispered, her eyes still closed against the world. 

He pulled back. She opened her eyes. The look on his face was unfathomable. It was the same intensity he had betrayed so often when they had been younger – the same intensity he hid so well now. She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks. Ben wiped them away as they came, though he pulled back suddenly. Rey reeled, and she was thankful that he reached out to keep her from falling. 

Night had fallen completely. It had gotten cold, and Rey could see the beginning haze of snowflakes falling down. It was quiet, so quiet she was sure she could hear them brushing up against the pod that floated in the sky. 

“We will freeze to death up here,” He said, his voice quiet. Almost regretful. 

He let her go.

✤

The night passed feverishly. Rey was not feeling well by the time they got back to the hotel. She was warmer than she knew she should be, but she convinced herself that it was due to how unsettled she was feeling. She did not sleep well, tossing and turning. When she woke up, she found she was aching and warm. Her cheeks were apple red. She did not look well, she realized.

For some reason, she was concerned about Ren seeing her this way. She hadn't had much time to think on how confused she was at his sudden distance, how he'd pulled away when she had said his name. His real name. It felt odd to call him Ren in those moments, as if Ren were an entirely different man, miles away from them. 

She did her best to cover up the sudden fever with makeup, and dressed in the warmest clothes she'd bought. She knocked on Ren's door, but there was no reply. After a few minutes, she went down to the concierge desk. 

“Have you seen Kylo Ren?” She asked curiously.   
“Oh, miss,” The man said. “He told me to let you know he received an urgent call in the night. He's gone back to Coruscant,” 

Rey was surprised. And confused. Had she been abandoned in Naboo? 

“He advised you're welcome to stay another day if you like. Your plane ticket has not been changed, and a car will be brought to take you to the airport if you choose to leave today,”   
“I'll keep my original plans,” 

The trip back felt long. It was difficult to fly when you weren't feeling well. She drank tea and tried to sleep, but she was even more unsettled by Ren's sudden disappearance. She kept checking her phone to see if he'd sent her any messages, but there was nothing. Finally, frustrated, she put her phone away. 

There was a car waiting for her at the airport. When she got home, she was surprised to find that Finn was home, along with a few of the coworkers she'd met on her first night there. They were having a celebration of some kind. Rey saw the champagne and the h'ors devours as she fought with her suitcase to get it in past the door. They were joyous when they met with her. 

“Rey!” Finn said. “Welcome home,”   
“Thanks Finn,” She ducked back when he tried to hug her. “I think I might have brought a virus back from Naboo,” She sniffed.   
“Oh shit,” He said. “Are you okay?”   
“I think so. Just need some rest,” She said 'hello' to the others. “What are you all celebrating?”   
“Oh, you didn't hear?” Finn asked. “We won the bid for Genesis,” 

Rey thought back. It made sense, she supposed, but she had been so caught up in Ben she hadn't thought about the business aspect of their trip. She wondered if that's why Ren had left so suddenly. 

“Congratulations,”   
“Should we go out, Finn?” Mara asked. “If Rey isn't feeling well we shouldn't keep her up,”   
“I don't mind,” Rey said.   
“I'll get you some cold medicine,” Finn said, taking her suitcase. “Go on into your room and get ready for bed,” 

She was thankful for the kindness. She wasn't even able to get undressed, falling onto her bed and falling right to sleep. 

When she woke up during the late hours of the night, she found a glass of water and some cold medication beside it. There was a note from Finn, saying he would be out for the rest of the night. She imagined they were probably getting drunk and singing karaoke. She took the cold medicine and checked her phone. It was dead. She put it on the charger, watching as it turned on. 

There were still no messages from Ren. 

Ben. 

When she woke up again, the sun had come through. The alarm on her phone went off. She was feeling better, strangely. She got dressed for work, even though she felt strangely changed. Rey made the commute as usual, stopping for coffee at the nearby shop. She was glad to see Rose when she came up to the office, but Rose seemed strangely upset. 

“Rose,” She said. “I'm glad to see you,”   
“I'm glad to see you. I missed you,” She leaned in to give Rey a hug.   
“What's wrong?”   
“I'm not sure, they've all been up there all morning arguing about something,”   
“Oh,” 

Rey set her belongings down. As soon as she sat down in her seat, her phone buzzed. It was Ren. 

“Rey, I need to see you, now,” His voice was abrupt. 

When she went upstairs, she paused to find that Ren and Hux were there, along with a few faces she did not recognize. 

“Miss Green,” He said, motioning to each. “This is our security team,”   
“Nice to meet you,”   
“Miss Green,” Hux began. “The reason we have called you here is to ask you if anyone else has had access to your computer?”   
“No, not that I know of,”   
“And no one knows your password?”   
“I don't believe so. Why?”   
“You have to understand, Miss Green, our security system is nearly impassable,” Ren said. “We have evidence that shows that you sent an email to Finn, at Resistance,”   
Rey was surprised, confused, and then angry.   
“I did no such thing.”

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blurb is from Shakespeare's Sonnets, # 24


	12. XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Like to the lark at break of day arising from sullen earth)

“You're telling me you didn't send an email with the bid structure to your very good friend at Resistance?”   
“Do you believe I would do something like that?” Rey asked, refusing to break the eye contact that they now shared. It was much difference than the eye contact they had shared a few nights prior.   
“If you present me with some reasonable explanation, I will be light handed,”   
“Light handed?” Rey said, her voice pitching up with anger. “I did not do this, and I will not admit to something I did not do,”   
“Miss Green,” It was Hux. “We know of your relationship with Finn. You live with him, don't you?”   
“Yes, but I work here. I've done nothing against the interests of the company,” 

Ren leaned back in his seat. He pressed his fingertips to the bridge of his nose. He had a headache. Rey was doing her best not to show an undue amount of emotion, but could he really believe that she had done something like this? 

“You may go,” Ren said, looking at her.   
“Am I being terminated?” Rey asked, barely holding her tone.   
“I don't know,” Ren replied. “You may go,” He repeated, this time, more abruptly. 

She flinched. She had no choice but to obey him, however. She turned around and quickly exited the room. She gathered her things at her desk. Rose watched her, curious. 

“Are you leaving?”   
“Yes, I'm afraid so,” Every word was punctuated by her tossing something into her bag.   
“Is everything alright?”   
“I don't think so,” Rey said, wiping the tears away from her face.   
“What's wrong?” Rose asked.   
“I can't talk about it now,” 

Rose turned around, quickly scribbling something onto a post-it note. When she handed it to Rey, she saw that it was her phone number. 

“Please call me if you need anything,” Rose said, her face full of concern.   
“I will, Rose. Thank you,” 

Rey looked up, the back of her neck tingling. She saw Ren standing at the window that overlooked their desks. She quickly left, losing all sense of composure when she got into the elevator. 

Finn. Finn had gotten an email from her and he hadn't told her? That explained why Ren had lost the bid to them. Rey got on the light transit, intending to take herself home. She was crying, though she was not sure if she was crying because she was angry, or hurt. 

How could Ren believe such a thing about her? 

When she got home, she waited for Finn to return. Luckily, for her, he didn't stay out all night. He came home with a storm cloud over his head, however. Rey was waiting for him, and she was in no mood to let it slide. 

“How could you have opened an email from me and not called me?” She asked, her voice strangely firm.   
“Rey, it was the bidding structure,” Finn said. “Of course I was going to open it,”   
“You should have called me!” She said, her voice rising in pitch. She hadn't been this angry in a long time.   
“Rey, I'm sorry,”   
“You have no idea what you've done, do you? They're going to fire me,”   
“Why did you send it?”   
“I didn't!” She shouted in reply. 

Finn looked taken aback.   
“So what, Rey? Let them fire you, all he's been doing since you started is torturing you,”   
“What?”   
“You think I don't notice how you come home each night? Sad and upset? You think he isn't doing that on purpose to get back at you?”   
“What I think about Ben Solo has nothing to do with this,” She tried to keep the tremble from her voice. “If they fire me for a security breach, no other company in their right mind will hire me and you know that,”   
“Resistance will,” He was suddenly taciturn.   
“Right, as a temp in the processing department. Out of loyalty to you and pity for me. I can't believe it,”   
“Rey, it's just business. I used it to my advantage. Ren only began to have interest in Genesis when you came around,”   
“What does that mean?”   
“We were stupid, anyway. The head of R&D defected. I think Ren had something to do with it,”   
“Why don't you like him, Finn? Why didn't you ever give him a chance?” 

Finn looked like he didn't know what to say. He looked like he was in pain. 

“Rey, you and I, we were inseparable,” He said. “He changed things. He always changes things. I don't like who you are when he's around,”   
“I can't stay here, can I Finn?” She asked, unable to help how her voice now betrayed her.   
“Maybe it was a bad idea,” 

Rose called Pika in HR the very next day. She asked if it might be possible to take a leave of absence. Pika said she would have to get Ren's approval, but Rey did not think that it would be difficult...considering how he'd treated her the day before. Like a criminal. Pika promised her she would call her back once she got the approval. 

Rey called Rose. 

“Rose. It's Rey,”   
“Oh, hi Rey. Is everything alright? I heard a bit about what happened. I'm so sorry,”   
“It's alright, Rose. Are you still looking to rent your extra room?” It was something she had heard Rose talking about a few times.  
“Oh, yes, actually,” She sounded surprised.   
“How soon can I move in?”

✤

Rey packed her things. She thought it might be a stupid idea to try and get out of there that day, but she could send for the things that she wasn't able to take with her immediately. She was angry with Finn, but she didn't think he would retaliate in any harmful way. Rose had told her she was welcome any time, and advised that she'd hidden an extra key on top of the door.

Rey planned to leave that day. She loved Finn, but she was sure she did not love him in the way he wanted. She didn't know if things would ever be put to right between them. She didn't like to admit it to herself, but she resented him. She gathered all that she could and called a car to take her to Rose's house, which was a bit out of the city. The commute would be longer, and maybe a bit more difficult, but Rey didn't feel like she could breathe in Finn's apartment. 

When she heard the bell ring, she thought it was the driver. She opened it without looking, rolling her suitcase out. 

“Hello, can you help me get this into the c--” She looked up. It was Ren. 

He was standing there in a three-piece, pin striped suit. His tie was a deep, burgundy red. He was wearing a long, caramel covered coat that nearly fell to his ankles. She wasn't sure if she was pleased or disappointed to see him. He was, as ever, effortlessly handsome. She had a hard time not thinking of his lips on hers. He had gotten better at kissing. 

“Running back to Jakku at the first sign of trouble?” He asked. He had a file folder in his glove-clad hand. “Leave of absence. Don't you think that confirms your guilt?”   
“No,” She replied, swiftly. She struggled with the suitcase, pushing past him to get out into the parking lot. “How did you find me? Did you come here just to make me feel even worse?”   
“I have received your request for leave, and I've come to personally tell you that it isn't approved,”   
“Is it within your normal range of duties to follow employees to their homes?”   
“I know where Finn lives, I didn't need anyone to tell me that,”   
“So, are you firing me personally then?”   
“No,” Ren replied, following her. “This is just like you,” He said, frustrated.   
“What are you talking about?”   
“Instead of fighting for what you want, you bury your head in the sand and hope it will go away,”   
“That isn't what I'm doing,” She turned back to him, some of her defiance returning.  
“It certainly looks that way,”   
“I'm moving out,” She said, abruptly.   
“Back to Jakku,”   
“No, not back to Jakku!” She set her luggage down. The driver wasn't there. She made her way back into the apartment to grab the rest of her belongings.   
“What, did you and Finn have a fight?”   
“What's it to you, Ren?” She asked, wishing she could get away from him. “Don't you get enough enjoyement out of parading your relationship with my once best friend around in front of me?” It came out before she meant it to.   
Ren looked....well, a bit wounded.   
“So this is what we think of each other,” He seemed, for the present, defeated. “I'll give you one day, Rey. And then, I expect you to be back at work,”   
“What about the security breach?”   
“I'm looking into it,” He said. “And you should come back, and work hard, and prove that you had nothing to do with it,”   
“Well, how kind of you,”   
“I don't deserve your sarcasm,” His voice was deep, quiet. “I deserve an answer. I deserve to feel solid enough in you to believe you when you say you're innocent,”   
“You don't believe me,”   
“It's hard for me to believe anything you say,” He said. “But I want to, you have no idea-” 

She heard the car pull up, interrupting Ren. Rey felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She wiped at them quickly, hoping to keep her composure where she could. He was right, she had given him no reason to believe what she said. 

“I have to go,” She sniffed out.   
“Where are you going?”   
“I'm moving in with Rose,” 

Strangely, he looked relieved.

✤

Rose's house was painted yellow. It was small, but had more space than Finn's apartment. She had a garden, and a small gate. It was charming, and exactly the sort of place that Rey expected her to live. The driver had left Rey's luggage at the gate after helping her out of the car. Rey found the key where Rose had left it. She found her room, which had more space. She had her own restroom, though it was smaller. Rey felt lighter just being there.

She unpacked her things, hoping it would be the last time she would have to do it for awhile.

Rey went back to work when she was expected. Her and Rose went in together, considering they now lived together. When she set her items at her desk, her phone started ringing. She picked it up as quickly as she could, having to swallow down a hot bit of coffee sooner than she wanted. 

“Hello, Imperialist, this is Rey,”   
“Miss Green,” It was Ren. “I need to see you,” 

Did he drag her all the way back here just to fire her anyway? 

She stayed close to the door. He was sitting on his desk, on the phone. She waited for a few moments until he put the phone down. He glanced at her, lifting his hand to indicate she should come all the way into the room. She felt as if she were in a room with a bit of dynamite that might be about to explode...or not. It was hard to tell. He sat down at his desk. She remained standing, her hands clasped in front of her. She had purposefully worn the prettiest dress she had, pink with a lacy overlay that was a patchwork of stars sewn together. She didn't know why, if only to show him that he hadn't effected her. She noticed how his eyes lingered, for just a moment. 

“Do you know a man named DJ?” He asked, sliding a piece of paper at her.   
“No,” She wasn't sure what she was looking at.   
“You don't know if he would have any reason to set you up, then,”   
“No,” She replied, confused. “Why?”   
“Hux found that the e-mail didn't come directly from your computer,” He said, distracted with scratching his signature out onto contracts and petitions. “There was a trace from someone who had slipped into the system, unknown. It came back to his computer,”   
“I don't know why he would chose me,” 

Ren looked up to her.   
“I'm not sure myself,” He admitted. “I'll see to it that it's handled,”   
“Will he be fired?”   
“I'm not sure as of today,” As per usual, he seemed a bit bored by the whole affair. “I believe there's more to it,”  
“Thank you,” Rey said, unsure of how to feel about this. “You didn't have to look further into it, I appreciate it,”   
“You can show me your appreciation by working hard on trying to at least win a contract with Genesis,” He handed her another file. “We lost the bid, but we might still build a relationship with them. I want you to put your special touch on it,”   
“Finn told me that the head of R&D left,” She was feeling brave. “Did you have anything to do with that?”   
“Do you think that I did?” 

She didn't know how to reply, so she didn't. He turned his attention back to whatever he was working on. 

“You may return to work, Miss Green,” 

She took the folder and made her way to his door. She heard him speak again: 

“Hopefully, there will be no more talk of leave,” 

The door beeped shut behind her.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blurb is from sonnet 29 by willy shakes. 
> 
> this is the last update for tonight...today? depending on where you are. i gotta go to bed y'all. 
> 
> don't read too fast. you'll regert it


	13. XIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is anterior to  
> life, posterior to  
> death, initial of  
> creation, and the  
> exponent of breath.

✤

Rey was busy. Busier than she had been when she had first come home. She kept quiet, mostly, trying to keep her thoughts from her own personal mess and on the job she was meant to do. She kept remembering what he had said: it was just like her to run when things got tough. She wanted to prove that she wasn't going to run. He might be marrying the biggest starlet in Coruscant, but she wasn't about to prove him right about being a runner.

She stayed late most nights, until he left. Sometimes, they slept in the office. Rey had brought an extra toothbrush and hidden it in her locker. Ren did much the same, his tendencies as a workaholic making themselves obvious. He had a change of clothes, and he had set up a small little area in his large office where she sometimes caught him sleeping – always seeming too large for even those surroundings. 

A week or so passed without much contact between the two of them, except for when she brought him coffee. That evening, Rose was watching the clock. Rey could always tell when she had plans, since she got overly excited about the end of the work shift. 

“Are you staying late tonight, Rey?” She asked.   
“I was hoping not to,” Rey said, yawning. She stretched her arms above her head.   
“You look like you need a good night's sleep,” Rose said. “Do you want to come with me to my blind date?”   
“I thought blind dates were supposed to be between two people only,”   
“Usually, yeah, but I guess he's bringing a friend once we get to the bar,”   
“Dinner and a bar?” Rey asked, leaning forward on her desk. “Do you like him that much?”   
“I don't know,” Rose said. “Come on, it will be fun. You can meet us there,”   
“No thanks. I'm a little burned out on romance,”   
“You?” Rose asked, smiling. “I never see you go out except for when you're coming here,”   
“You're right,” Rey said, lifting herself up from her prone position on her desk. “I really should get a life,”   
“You should,” Rose agreed, pouting playfully at her. “But I guess for tonight you're stuck here,”   
“Yes she is,” She recognized the baritone voice anywhere. She popped up as Rose stood up. 

Rey was forced to lean back as Ren began rapid firing files at her. They looked old, and it was strange that he wouldn't just e-mail him to her. 

“I want you to do some research on these,” He said, looking at her. “I assume you don't have plans?”   
“Well--”   
“She does!” Rose said, stepping in for her. Oh no. “She's going out with a friend and I,” The clock hit 5:30PM. “I'll see you at the bar, at eight?” 

She was gone before Rey even had a chance to decline the offer again. She realized that Rose was trying to help her get out of here, but it was not the excuse she wanted. 

“Plans,” He said, turning to look at her over his thick-framed glasses.   
“Uh, yeah,” Rey said. “You didn't say anything about staying late tonight,”   
“Well, I thought you would assume,”   
“Businesses aren't run on assumptions,” She said. She was sure it was something he had said to her once.   
He laughed.   
“You're right. She said eight? I'll let you go at seven,” She watched him walk away. 

She plopped down atop her desk and groaned. 

“Seven, Miss Green,” She heard him call, startling her and causing her to pop back up. 

Rey worked diligently. It was unfortunate that she had to get what she had started on back to him, because at exactly 6:45, Kaydel walked into the office. Rey was surprised to hear the elevator ping, and she looked up from her work to find the woman standing there. She looked extravagant in her pastel gown with drop sleeves that seemed to float around her like a jelly-fish. She had cat-eye, reflective sunglasses on, even though the sun had gone down about a half an hour ago. 

“Oh, Rey,” She said. “I didn't realize you would still be here. He has you working so hard, I'm sorry,”   
“Oh, it's alright,” Rey said, doing her best to keep her features schooled and friendly. She didn't want this woman to get the better of her.   
“Is he in?”   
“Of course,” Rey had a feeling she already knew he was. “I'll let him know you're coming,”   
“Oh, no. I'll surprise him,” She moved to head for the stairs, but she was back again in a moment. “Are you free for lunch tomorrow? I feel as if we haven't gotten a chance to catch up,”   
“I'm usually working through lunch,” Rey was glad to have it as an excuse for once.   
“Don't worry about that,” She replied. “I'll talk to him,”   
“Great,” Rey said, fighting to keep her teeth from grinding. 

Rey waited until she heard her get all the way up the stairs. She waited until the clock hit 7:00 pm exactly. She got up and gathered what she had available for him and headed up the stairs. She was glad for her practical, oxford style flats. They were quiet. The door was thin, and she could hear Kaydel laughing through it. 

“Poor Rey,” She said. “She tries so hard,” Kaydel muttered. She didn't hear Ren answer. 

The conversation became muddled. She was frozen, she didn't want to open the door and face them both. It was settled for her when she heard Ren speak, his clear tone rising above the muddled whispers they were sharing. 

“Don't worry, Kaydel. I'll keep the promise I made to you,”   
“Good,” Kaydel said. “I know you two have history...” She began. “But I feel as if I haven't seen you at all lately,”   
“I'm working,” He said, and Rey lost the thread of the conversation again. 

She didn't have much to do but turn around and quietly make her way down the stairs. She was sure he was distracted, and would not notice she had slipped out. She left the work on her desk, quietly gathering her belongings 

Promise? Why would he refer to their engagement as a promise?   
She was, really, quite burned out on romance. Perhaps the nerve was dead. She felt her heart sink, but she knew it was what she had been expecting.

✤

Rey realized she could have gone home. She could have gone home and pretended as if she had forgotten about Rose's invite to her blind date, but she was feeling as if it might be a good idea to be around company. She texted Rose, asking her where she was. Rose responded with the name of a bar that Rey was pretty familiar with. Rey got on the transit and made her way there. She found Rose sitting alone at the bar with a half-drunk drink in her hand. She was surprised.

“Where's your date?” She asked as she slid up onto the bar stool.   
“Total bust,” Rose said, frowning as she twisted her straw around in her drink.   
“What happened?”   
“He chewed with his mouth open, and there was this kid in the restaurant who was being kind of noisy. He referred to him as 'that creature', and went on a thirty minute long rant about why people shouldn't bring children or the elderly to restaurants,”   
“Ouch,” Rey said. “Are you okay?”   
“Yeah. I'm fine. I guess we're both burnt out on romance,”   
“I guess so,” 

Rey ordered wine. They had a few drinks, taking turns buying each other rounds. When they were feeling the warm buzz of alcohol, they began to chat a bit about every topic they could think of. Rey was just beginning to forget about her sour, bittersweet situation at work when Rose asked her: 

“I don't get it Rey. How come you're burnt out on romance? You barely have time to eat. You have something else going on?”   
“I guess you could say that,” She said, sighing over her red wine.   
“Spill,”   
“I moved away from Coruscant when I was pretty young. I was running away from a boyfriend,” And a few other things. The breakdown of her friendships. The muddiness of her path forward.   
“Why?” Rose asked, entranced. She took a sip of her drink, having to try a few times to capture the straw in her mouth.   
“I broke up with him. He wanted to move in together,”   
“So you dumped him?”   
“It's a long story,”   
“We have time,”   
“It's hard to put into words,” She said, taking another drink of her wine. She motioned to the bartender to refill when he got a chance.  
“Um, try,” Rose said, smiling.   
“No one wanted us to be together. In fact, almost everyone we knew was against it,”   
“Finn?”   
“Yeah,”   
“So? Isn't that when you're supposed to pull a scene from a romance book and elope?”   
“I'm not sure. Seeing how he is now...I'm not sure that I ever knew him,”   
“Wait, he's around now?”   
“Yes,” Rey didn't want to get too close to the topic. She didn't want Rose to guess at who it was. She liked Rose, but she wasn't sure it would stay with Rose. She couldn't imagine what would happen if that gossip got around the office.   
“So, does he hate you?”   
“I'm not really sure,” She took another drink. “I do know he's engaged to be married,”   
“Wow,” Rose said, taking another drink. “I don't blame you for being burnt out. And probably a bit broken hearted, huh?” 

It felt final, saying it out loud. It was like she was admitting to herself that it was true. He was engaged. The case was closed...even if she felt like she was lacking in closure. She thought that it made no matter who it was, that it might as well have been Kaydel. It would hurt just as much if it was someone else. 

_What were you expecting, Rey? For him to wait for you?_

“Sorry to say, but I feel less bad about my date now,” Rose finally said. 

They both laughed. 

Somehow they got home. Rey remembered calling a cab, though she'd had so much wine that her head was fuzzy, verging on spinning. It felt good to simply forget about her problems for awhile, which is exactly what alcohol allowed her to do. At least for a minute, anyway. Rey was happy when her face connected with her pillow. 

Less happy when she woke up six hours later with the obnoxious ringing of her phone alarm. She had the worst headache, which felt like one giant nail right behind her eye. Her mouth was dry, and her teeth felt fuzzy. Rey took some aspirin. And then, she took some more, swallowing down a full glass of water. She was thankful, at least, that she didn't feel like puking. Rose came out looking like she felt much the same. Her toothbrush was hanging from the side of her mouth and she was scrolling idly through her phone. 

“Did you see this?” Rose asked.   
“What?” Rey said, pouring herself another glass of water with the intent of drinking it down.   
“It's our boss,” Rose said, sleepily. 

Rey was forced to look as Rose showed her her phone. It was plastered all over the entertainment news, photos of Kylo Ren leaving Kaydel's apartment, wearing the same clothes as he had been the night before. **Entertainment royalty! Is she engaged to him?** Maybe she was wrong about needing to puke. 

“I didn't even know they were dating,” Rose said, around her toothbrush. “Did you? He doesn't seem like he dates,”   
“We'd better get to work,” Rey said, forcing herself not to comment.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is short. my dog has been sick and my job is a job from heck. (just be glad you got it honestly ok)
> 
> blurb is Emily Dickinson.


	14. XIIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm going out  
> I'm gonna drink myself to death  
> And in the crowd  
> I see you with someone else  
> I brace myself  
> 'Cause I know it's going to hurt  
> But I like to think at least things can't get any worse

✤

When Kaydel came in again that very day and insisted on lunch with Rey, Rey tried every tactic she thought possible to try and escape from it. She said that she was too busy, but each time Kaydel threatened to have Ren intervene. That was the last thing she wanted. She didn't want to be involved in a situation between the two of them. Kaydel was wearing a bright red, Chanel suit that made her look a bit like a girl dressing up in her mother's clothes. Her mouth was a red gash on her face, her make-up too heavy for how fair she was. Rey thought that she was trying to cover herself up as much as she could. It was strange to her, considering how pretty Kaydel was.

She insisted on picking the place for lunch, choosing an expensive, nouveau cuisine restaurant that was too far away from work (small portions and strange sauces). Rey felt under dressed, and she realized that this was probably how Kaydel intended her to feel. Look at what he's picked, what he's chosen over you. Look at how much more suited for him I am than you ever were. 

Rey just wanted to get it over with. She was considering quitting, just so that she wouldn't have to tolerate this lunch. 

They were seated near a large window that overlooked the sparkling river. Rey watched as some of the boats passed by, willing herself to be there instead. It didn't work. When she looked across the table, Kaydel was sitting there, smiling at her. 

“Do we know what we want?” The waitress asked, smiling back at Kaydel.   
“I'll have the seared tuna,” She handed the menu back. “And a glass of the red, this vintage. Rey?”   
“I'll have a green salad,” She said. “Water is fine,”   
“Really Rey, you can have whatever you like. It's on me,” She paused. “I know what he must be paying you,”   
“This is fine, I'm not very hungry,” In fact, she was hungover and trying to think of plausible ways to escape this situation. The green salad would be done quickly. She didn't know about Kaydel's seared tuna.   
“Bring her a glass of wine,”   
“No, really--” But the waitress had already gone.   
“It's alright. I'm sure no one will even notice,”   
“Thanks,” Rey said, realizing a battle lost when she saw it.   
“Ren doesn't talk about you, hardly ever,” She said, airily. “So, you have to tell me what you've been up to in the last seven years,”   
“There isn't much to tell,” She replied, trying to ignore how much of an insult her last statement had been. “I moved to Jakku. I worked for Scavenger, I got promoted to be the executive assistant,”  
“Why did you leave? Jakku seemed like such a good fit for you,” 

When the glass of wine was set down in front of her, she immediately lifted it up and took a drink. This job was driving her to drink. It was a bad move, because Kaydel looked pleased. 

“I had gone as far as I could go with the company,” She said. “Finn asked me to come back,”   
“Right, Finn,” She said. “I heard that you moved out. I'm sorry,”   
“I thought Ren never talked about me,” She pointed out, the second or third gulp of wine making her brave.   
“Oh, I heard it from your assistant,” She stumbled a bit, which made Rey think she was lying. Rose was too star struck with Kaydel to chat with her like that. She usually asked her what it was like to be an actress. 

Rey stayed quiet. She was thankful when the food was set down in front of them. She hoped it would keep Kaydel busy for a moment so that she would be distracted from her subtle barbs. Not-so-subtle, perhaps. Rey realized she didn't want to know anything about her, and prevented herself from answering questions. Therefore, each time Kaydel tried, the conversation came to a grinding halt when Rey refused to meet her half way. It probably only made things worse, as Kaydel just tried harder. 

She didn't seem at all interested in eating. She took two bites of what she ordered and set her fork down. Rey didn't see her drink the wine, either, which made her realize that she needed to stop drinking wine. She ate what she could of the small salad that had been placed in front of her. Kaydel kept pelting her with questions. Rey was beginning to feel a bit sick. 

“I should be getting back,” Rey said, reaching for her bag and sliding it over her shoulder. “I only have an hour, and it will take a bit to get back,”   
“Oh, I'll give you a ride,” She said. “I wanted to talk to Ren, anyway,”   
“No, thank you,” She said, abruptly. She hoped Kaydel hadn't noticed her break in composure. Rey tried to hand off her credit card for her part of the meal. Kaydel refused it, putting hers out instead.   
“It's on Ren,” 

Rey was certain she was going to be sick, then. Kaydel wasn't about to let her go. She grasped her arm and followed her from the restaurant. Rey couldn't have said what happened then. It was a crush of fans, and she realized it was a mistake to walk out of here with Kaydel on her arm. They had gotten there without incident, but they were very nearly crushed by a group of adorers. Rey would have thought that Kaydel's actions were purposeful, had it not been for what happened next. 

There was a man, in a coat. There was something in his hand that Rey could not recognize at first. She realized, too little and too late that it was a small, viciously sharp blade. He swiped, just in time for Kaydel to step out of the way. He caught her on her collarbone. The blade was sharp, so it bled quite a good deal. When Kaydel reached up and saw the spout of red blood on her fingers, she let out a shriek and fell against the mash of people. 

Rey felt herself pulled down. She was forced to turn and look at the woman who had blacked out. She was so wan. Rey's instincts kicked in, and she tried to force everyone out of the way. She checked Kaydel's pulse and made sure she was still breathing. She was glad to find she was, even if she might not have thought so. Kaydel's handlers were a moment or two too late, but all Rey recalled was being swept up into an ambulance and spirited away to the hospital. 

She felt she really shouldn't have had that glass of wine.

✤

Rey's finger hovered over Ren's contact information in her phone. Finally, she pressed the 'call' button and listened to it ring. It rang for a few, long moments, and the longer it went the more she thought that he might not answer. She had lost track of time, she wasn't sure how long she had been waiting in the waiting room. Kaydel's blood stained her white shirt sleeve. It was drying to a rusty copper red.  
“Rey, when you go out for lunch, you're expected to return,” He said as he answered.  
“Ren,” She said, her voice a bit shaky. “I'm at the hospital. One of Kaydel's fans attacked her,”  
“Which hospital?” He said, his voice suddenly abrupt and quite serious.

Rey saw him run in, his long coat fluttering out behind him. He looked at her, though he was quick to disappear down the hallway where Kaydel's room was. Rey called Rose after an hour or so. She knew she should leave, but she was genuinely worried. She didn't like Kaydel, but that didn't mean she wanted her to die at the hands of some lunatic. She even called Finn, who she hadn't spoken to since she'd moved out. 

Finn had always had a soft spot for Kaydel. He said he would be there as soon as he could get there.   
Rose came almost as soon as she could. They sat together in the waiting room, drinking coffee that was probably made out of ash. Finn came after an hour or so. Finn and Rose chatted. Rey sat quietly, looking down the hallway. Ren's concern broke her heart. She kept wondering if he would come back, but he didn't. Eventually, they all fell asleep bundled up on the waiting room chairs with their jackets balled up to be used as pillows. 

It was Ren who woke her up. First, with a gentle shake to her arm. When that didn't work, he blew a strand of hair from her face. The motion was so familiar, so intimate. It was how he had once woken her up. She opened her eyes, finding he had leaned down to look at her. She sat up quickly, taking in a deep breath and trying to shake the sleep from her vision. 

“What is it? Is Kaydel okay?” She asked, blearily.   
“She's fine. The wound was superficial, she passed out due to shock. She's resting now,”   
“Oh, I'm glad to hear that,” Rey said.   
“Why did you call him?” Ren asked, motioning to Finn.   
“He and Kaydel were always friends,” She said, still half asleep. “He's concerned. I'll wake them up, we'll head home,”   
“Wait a minute,” He said. “I would like to talk to you for a minute. Let them sleep,”   
“Me?” She asked.   
“Come with me,” 

She stood up at his urging. She slid into her coat. She was sleepy, but not exhausted. She wrapped the coat around her, glad for it's warmth. She followed him down a long corridor. The hospital was sleeping, the nurses at their stations half sleepy and tired themselves. The monitors beeped steadily. Rey wondered why he was leading her along, considering that his fiancee was asleep and injured in a hospital. 

She saw the fluorescent glow of the vending machines before she saw the machines themselves. She watched as Ren slid a few coins into the coffee machines. The coffee brewed and he handed it to her. She had very little interest in it, but she was thankful for the warmth. She watched as he repeated the motion, making coffee for himself. She stood with the coffee in her hands, though she didn't drink it. 

“I wanted to thank you,” He said, coming to stand next to her.   
“For what?”   
“For trying to help her,”   
“It's only what anyone would have done,” She replied. She watched steam rise off of the coffee.   
“But you didn't have to,” Ren said. “And I'm grateful,”   
“Of course,” She said, swallowing heavily. “It was the right thing to do,” Rey thought she might cry. She thought she might cry in front of him. 

She couldn't do that. 

She felt his fingertips, brushing strands of her hair behind the shell of her ear. She pulled away, quickly. She felt, quite keenly, that after her lunch with Kaydel she could no longer convince herself that the way he acted towards her was right. He looked at her, his eyes wide and full of something that she was sure she knew. She wanted to reach out and trace his face, the apples of his cheeks...the shape of his lips. She resisted. She was always resisting. 

“Rey,” He said, his voice was soft.   
“You can't keep doing this,” She said. “Not when you're engaged to be married,”   
Ren looked surprised, but as with most emotions he showcased, it was quickly gone...making her question that it was ever really there to begin with.   
“I did the right thing,” She stood up. “Even if I can't...even I can't understand, I don't wish her to come to any harm,” It was more than Kaydel wished for her, she felt. “I'm going to go home,”   
“Wait a minute,” His voice, commanding. Underneath, the tremor of what she knew of him. Passion, warmth.   
“What?” She turned to look at him. 

Suddenly, he was very close to her. He blocked her way with the sheer mass of his body, though if she was fast enough she could get around him. He smelled good; clean with a vague scenting of something spiced. It reminded her of campfires, and cold nights where pine trees grew. He had a vague shadow of facial hair. She wondered if it would feel pleasant on the skin of her neck. She stepped back. He stepped forward. Always searching, always pushing. 

“I wondered,” He began. “For seven years...I wondered about the fairness of loving someone so much. Someone who did not love me back,”   
Rey felt the tears well up, stinging.   
“Ben,” She tried.   
“You didn't want me,” He said, his voice full of something she could not explain. She felt the cracks, she was sure, in her heart. “But I wanted you. Do you know how difficult it is to be in the same room with you and not be able to touch you?” 

He reached out, grasping her biceps, pulling her closer. She could not help how her body responded to his. How his responded to hers. 

“You've just been trying to get back at me, haven't you?” Rey couldn't help the tremor in her voice. Tears slid hotly down her features. “You're still angry with me,” 

Ren's mouth was on hers is moments. He encompassed her, his smell, and the taste of him. This kiss was so raw that it drew a ragged moan up and out of her chest. He was always overwhelming. It was almost impossible to pull herself away from him, but she managed it. She always managed it. His eyes were wide, dark, and dangerous. He was thinking of doing something he would most certainly regret. 

“You're so cruel,” She said, breathlessly. “You've made it clear,” Tears, there were tears. She could have no thought of fighting them now.   
“I made her a promise,” He said. “A promise you would not allow me to make to you,” 

She pulled back. She felt she could breathe again once she was free of the crushing warmth of his arms. She took a deep breath. She felt she came back to herself, at least for a moment. She turned on him. She turned on him as she had before, her face wet with tears, her chest tight with anxiety. 

“Rey,” His voice was deep, haggard. She couldn't ignore the tremble in it. “Rey!” He tried, again. 

By then, she was running. 

He was right about her. She was always running.

✤

_Stay with me._

_He whispered it against her mouth, his breath sweet._

_Stay._

Some nights were sleepless.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one probably hurts.   
> and it's longer because I may not update this weekend.  
> i think i've caused enough suffering.   
> <3 
> 
> blurb is from 'hurricane drunk' by florence + the machine.


	15. XV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For everything that's lovely is  
> But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.

✤

Rey slept.

She slept all weekend, only occasionally rolling out of bed to get water. Rose tried to get her to eat, but it was sparse. She didn't feel like eating. She didn't feel like doing anything. Rose was worried about her. She kept waking up to find that Rose had put something on her nightstand. A snack, tea, water. Rey appreciated it, though she couldn't even draw herself out of bed to thank her. She ignored her phone, hoping that the weekend would stretch out forever. Monday would never come. 

On Sunday, she felt someone sit on the bed next to her, their weight causing her to dip out of her comfortable position underneath her blanket. She was sure she looked awful. She hadn't brushed her teeth or taken a shower, and though Rose didn't seem to mind, she didn't want to deal with anyone. She felt someone trying to untangle her from her coccoon, and when she looked up she realized it was Finn. 

"Rose called me," He said. His face was friendly.  
"Oh Finn," She said, sitting up and burying her face into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. 

He didn't say anything at all, not until she was cried out. Her nose was pink and her eyes were puffy. Finn handed her a few tissues and let her clean her face. 

"You want to tell me what's going on?" Finn asked, his tone kind.  
"It was a bad idea to go to Imperialist," She said, sniffing.  
"Yeah, I'm getting that," He said, smiling. He was trying to lighten the mood. "So what happened?"  
"Ren, Ben, whoever he is," She tried, finding she wanted to cry again. She had a growing headache. "He's marrying Kaydel and he wants to make sure that I'm aware of it,"  
"Are you sure he's marrying her?"  
"I don't know," She said. "He never disagrees, he never agrees,"  
"Have you asked him outright?"  
"No," She admitted, pouting.  
"Maybe you should just ask him," He said, giving her a squeeze. "Even if he says he's marrying her, you'll at least have some closure and maybe you can start to move on. You can start by resigning if that's the case. I feel like you've been in stasis ever since you broke up with him,"  
She only sniffed in response.  
"I know that some of your breaking up with him was my fault,"  
She was about say something but he silenced her, gently.  
"No, I know it was," He was firm. "And I didn't handle it well even when you did. I think you were mad at me, maybe even a little resentful. But...Rey, if he's really what you want, you should fight for him. It's not like you to not fight for what you want. And...even if you don't end up getting what you want, at least you won't be stuck in this miserable purgatory,"  
"But what about you?"  
"What about me?" He said. "Rey, I know it's been strained between us for a long time. I want to change that. I don't think he deserves you, but you're right...maybe I never gave him a proper chance. And Kaydel...well, she always wanted what other people have. Always. And when she had it, she didn't want it anymore,"  
"Thanks Finn," She said, relief in her tone. "Thank you,"  
"You're welcome. Now get up and take a shower. Brush your teeth. We're going to take you out to get some food,"  
"Okay," She said, shakily. 

She felt immense relief, though. Getting into the shower didn't seem like such a huge task any longer. 

Finn and Rose got along pretty well. She wasn't exactly surprised to find that out, though it was pleasant to be among a group of people that weren't interested in talking about Ren any more. They took Rey to a restaurant which was set up like a conveyer belt, though they were able to sit beside one another and slurp down their food together. 

"Do you think you could get a week off from work?" Finn asked, after they'd eaten most of the food and they were sitting around chatting.  
"Why?" She asked.  
"My parents have been asking to see you. I thought you could join us for the holiday,"  
Rey hadn't even had time to think about it. She had to admit, she was glad for the invitation. Spending the whole holiday in the apartment by herself eating Endorian food didn't seem like the best idea. She found she didn't really want to spend a lot of time alone.  
"I can definitely try," She replied, taking another sip of her soda.  
"What about you, Rose? Do you have plans?"  
"Yeah, I'll be spending it with my mom,"  
"Maybe next year," Finn said, and smiled at her. "It's fun, the whole family shows up. They always create some game that usually ends up in someone getting hurt,"  
"They have a huge cabin," Rey interjected. "And a lot of wilderness in which to get hurt in," 

They all laughed, together. Rey was feeling better. She was feeling a bit lighter. 

She was still mulling over what Finn had said.

✤

Ren didn't come to work on Monday. And then again, on Tuesday. The theme continued through Wednesday, which meant that she and Hux were forced to work together to try and prepare for the meeting with Genesis on Friday. He called her on Thursday after lunch and asked her to bring what she'd gathered so far. He was sure Ren would come to work, but he wanted to be prepared in the event that he didn't.

They both thought it was a bad idea to try to postpone the meeting, considering their first interactions with Genesis and the bid. Rey gathered her work and took the elevator down. Hux was on the 21st floor, where he overlooked his team, though one could argue he was just as important as Ren was to the company. 

She knocked on his office door and he waved her in, talking on his phone in a language she didn't understand. 

"Apologies, Miss Green," He said, setting his phone down.  
"Not necessary," She said.  
"Have a seat," He motioned to the seat across from him with a long fingered hand. 

She did as she was bid to do, offering up her file of what she'd gathered, as well as the presentation she'd completed on her laptop. Hux ran through it quickly before setting it back on his desk. They talked about what was contained within, and he began to take notes, likely to study what he could in the hours before the meeting. They sat together for a good chunk of the evening, finishing up the presentation. By the time they were finished, it had gotten dark. Hux was looking at her over the rim of his slender glasses. 

"Is something the matter?" She asked, wondering what the look should be interpreted as.  
"I heard about the actress," He said, gathering up the papers and re-organizing them so that he could put them back in her folder. "Have you heard from him?"  
"No, not since the hospital,"  
"I didn't realize you were involved," He admitted. He probably hadn't realized until he had seen her picture plastered all over the entertainment news.  
"Yes, I was there,"  
"Did you get a good look at the man who did it?"  
"No, I didn't," She had told the police as much, too.  
"Hm," Hux said. "I know it's probably none of my business, but were you aware she's being stalked?"  
"No, I wasn't aware," Rey must have looked surprised, and Hux noticed it.  
"I've never cared for her," Hux admitted. "She was so strange and quiet when I first met her. It's as if she's an entirely different person now. It's difficult to tell what is genuine,"  
Rey wasn't sure how to respond. Hux released a bit of breath, slapping his hands down on the desk idly in a motion that seemed to say: c'est la vie.  
"Have you heard from him?" She asked, glad her voice didn't sound as unsettled as she felt.  
"No, I can't get him to answer my calls. I visited his apartment, but he isn't there,"  
"Is it possible he's still at the hospital?"  
"No, she's been discharged and is resting comfortably at home. When I called she mentioned she hadn't seen him," 

It wasn't like Ren to disappear. Would Kaydel lie to Hux? 

"Which brings me to my next request," He sighed. "I hate to ask it of you Miss Green, but I wondered if you could travel out to his house and see if he's there,"  
"Why me?" She asked.  
"Well, Genesis has requested that at least one of the partners handles the meeting. You're obviously very prepared, but I can't miss it if he doesn't show up,"  
"I see," She looked down at her hands, suddenly finding her berry-colored nail polish rather interesting.  
"If it's too much to ask, I completely understand. I can try to go once the meeting is over with. I must admit, I'm a bit concerned about him,"  
Rey sucked in a deep breath of air.  
"Um," She was trying to think about it. It might have given her a chance to ask him, to finally put her assumptions to rest. It was strange he wasn't with Kaydel, however. "Okay, I'll go. When should I leave?"  
"Tonight, if you can. I'll call for the driver to take you home if you need to gather some belongings in case you end up needing to stay overnight,"  
"Okay, great,"  
"Take this with you. He needs to sign off on it. Have him send it to me if you find him," 

She didn't know how great it really was, but Hux's genuine concern over his friend made her concerned. Ren was not acting like himself, it wasn't like him at all to leave on the eve of a big meeting after his girlfriend had been attacked by a stalker. 

It had been threatening to snow all week. That night though, it started and it never really stopped. It was blanketing the ground in fluffy white. Rey was uneasy about driving in the weather, but the driver reassured her that they would be fine. She dialed Finn, first, to let him know where she was going. He sounded uneasy, but relieved. Maybe they were all tired of being in purgatory. She called Rose to no response, and left a message. 

When she got home, the house was dark. She wondered where Rose was, but she didn't have much time to think about it. She brought out a small carry-on bag and packed it with a few items to last her a day or so in case she got snowed in. 

She couldn't help but wonder that this wasn't some extravagant fetch quest on Hux's part. It seemed to be becoming a theme.

✤

The drive was long. Rey fell asleep in the car, despite her anxieties about the trip. Rose called her back at some point, but she missed it. In her message Rose told her to be careful, and that she would see her when she got back. The driver had to stop once to use the facilities, and Rey got out of the car to stretch her legs. She could see her breath. Snowflakes melted into her wool coat. Rey hadn't expected that his house was so far outside of Coruscant, but it was. There was nothing around them for miles except for a creepy looking motel and a transit stop for those who traveled for a living. The motel looked like a dinosaur from another age compared to the structures that were found in the city.

It was midnight when he pulled up to the house. Rey was forced to suck in a breath at her surprise. It was huge, lit with glowing yellow lights that were apparent from the wide windows. It was a house that seemed as if it was actually made of glass. It was stunning. The snow made it look like a glittering diamond, the sparkling white only creating more of a dramatic effect. There was a porch that wrapped all the way around, and she saw it trailed off into a deck that presumably went out to a lake. It was too dark to tell. 

"Shall I wait, Miss?"  
"Yes, just in case he isn't here,"  
"The place is lit up like a Christmas tree, I'll wager he is," Hux's driver had the same sort of accent Hux did.  
"Thank you, just a minute," 

Rey's heart was hammering in her chest. She wanted to get into the car and turn back around, go home. She could do it, she could put in her resignation and never have to see him again. She had to admit, the thought of it was more appealing than facing up to the realization that this was too little, too late. 

She lifted her gloved hand and knocked on the door. 

Rey felt like she had been standing there for an eternity. The temperature was dropping, and she could see the driver getting restless. She thought that he would probably get out and ask her to get back in the car. She thought about having to stay the night in a motel, but at that moment she was so cold she didn't care. She was just about to go back to the car when the camera came on. She saw him, in his glasses. His hair was ruffled, as if he'd been sleeping. It looked like he'd thrown a sweater on in haste. 

"Rey," He said, his voice full of genuine surprise.  
"Hi," She said. "Can you let me in? It's freezing and the driver is waiting,"  
"Give me a moment," 

She heard the door beep open. Ren had put a long coat on over his rumpled clothes. She saw he had quickly put a pair of boots on his feet. He brushed past her, crunching out into the snow to speak with the driver. Rey watched curiously as the driver put the vehicle in reverse, only to put it back into drive and drive it around to the side of the house. Ren came back up on the porch, motioning for her to enter into his domain. 

"What did you tell the driver?" She asked, if only to have something to talk about.  
"It's going to snow all night, it's dangerous to drive back now. I asked him if he wanted to sleep in the guest house,"  
"There's a guest house?"  
"It's around back," He said, his voice quiet. Calm. 

It soothed her nerves just to hear it, though she wished it was the opposite. 

"That was nice of you," She said. He didn't respond immediately. 

She watched him shut the door. She heard the click and beep of the lock. She kept her eyes on him as he shrugged out of his coat, which was speckled with melting snow. It clung to the dark waves of his hair. 

"Are you expecting to stay? The driver has already taken the guest house," 

Rey hadn't thought about it. 

"I can go back to the motel,"  
"How, by walking?" 

Rey was forced into silence again. She could see through to his mood. Was he worried about Kaydel? 

"I'm surprised you're here," She said.  
"I can say the same to you," He turned, folding his arms at his broad chest before leaning against the couch. It wrapped around the room. There was a fire, burning away in his hi-tech fire place. "What are you doing here?"  
"Hux sent me. He said he was concerned about you, but he couldn't afford to miss the meeting with Genesis. It doesn't look like you're planning on being there,"  
"I'm taking a vacation,"  
"Right," Rey said. "Well, maybe you should call him? He's concerned about you,"  
"Is he? Or did he send you with something he needs me to sign," 

Rey blushed. Her face was beginning to feel warm, her nose being the last bit to still feel frozen.

"Yes," She stammered out, unsure of how to answer.  
"Show it," He motioned for her to come nearer.

She stepped forward, setting her back on a table. She pulled the folder out and handed it over to him. He flipped it open and examined the contents briefly before he disappeared down the hallway, leaving her standing there, snow melting from her boots. It was awkward, but she was glad for the warmth. She heard him come back down the hallway. He didn't have the contract in hand, which made her believe he had signed it and was likely scanning it to be sent back to Hux. 

"Have you completed your task, then?" He asked.  
"Yes," She said. "That and to see that you were well, which I see that you are,"  
"Tell Hux that I ignore him for a reason," Ren said.  
"I'll leave that to you, Mr Ren,"  
"Mr Ren," He scoffed. "Call me Ben," 

They stood there, staring each other down. The moment stretched out, and Rey was trying to find her words. She didn't know if she was brave enough for this. She suspected she already knew what she would hear, but she wanted to hear it from him. It would help her to move on. Finn had been right about that. She had been in stasis ever since she had broken up with him. She had convinced herself it was what she wanted. 

She knew now that it most certainly hadn't been what she wanted. 

How to tell him that? How to convince him? 

"Do you want tea? There will be no walking or driving back," He admitted. "You'll have to stay here tonight. You both can go in the morning,"  
"Tea would be nice,"  
"Set your things in the room through there, if you please," He motioned. "See, I'm trying to be more accommodating," She heard a faint tinge of sarcasm. 

She followed to where he had pointed. She found a the guest room. It was huge, with a large bed. The quilt was floral, with deep, autumn hues. It was a bit more antique than she was expecting - a bit warmer than his apartment in the city. There was mahogany furniture which looked like it had been restored. She opened the door to find a bathroom with a claw foot tub. She shook her head at it. She hadn't ever stayed in a place like this. It was too extravagant, considering how Coruscant was all about conserving space so as to fit more people into it. 

Rey walked back out into the living area, taking a moment to watch Ren's back as he moved around the kitchen preparing tea. She chewed at her bottom lip, a sometimes bad habit she thought she had given up. He turned, realizing she was watching him. Quickly, she looked away. She came forward and sat down at the table as he indicated she should. He set a steaming mug of tea in front of her. She could smell that it was peppermint. Her favorite. 

"This place is gorgeous," She said. It felt stupid to try and make small talk.  
"Yes," He agreed. "Thank you,"  
"Do you spend a lot of time out here?"  
"Not enough," 

She didn't know how to start. She took a sip of the tea. He'd put a bit of honey in it. Rey thought it was better just to rip the band-aid off as quickly as she could. 

"There was another reason for me to come here," She admitted. Her voice was quiet. Barely above a whisper. She was having a tough time looking at him.  
"I guess it wasn't to have tea with me,"  
"No,"  
"What, then?" 

"I think..." She began. "I think at this juncture it might be a good idea for me to resign," She admitted. "I thought that I had enough time, but I'm realizing that maybe neither of us have. Of course, I would give you a month's notice so you would have time to find another assistant,"  
Ren did not look surprised. His silence reigned.  
"So you believe quitting will solve that problem,"  
"I believe...that my position at Imperialist has caused pain...perhaps to you, and definitely to me," She was trying so hard to keep the emotion out of her voice. "I want you to be happy, Ben. I want to try and be happy, too,"  
"Then why do this?" His voice was deep. Cutting. "Again?"  
"Ben," She wanted to get this conversation over with. "Are you engaged to be married?" 

He didn't reply right away. His looked into his tea. She noted he hadn't actually drank any of it. His face was difficult to read, almost impossible. She wished, for just a moment, that she could peer into his thoughts...even if it would be painful. 

"No," He finally said. 

Rey was shocked. It was what she had hoped, deeply. It was not what she had been expecting. 

"But Kaydel, the ring--"  
"It's all gossip," He said, firmly. "She bought herself that ring,"  
"But surely she wants to marry you--"  
"Yes, she does," He stood up from the table. He reminded her of an agitated cat. If he had a tail, it might be flicking back and forth. "But that does not mean I want to marry her," 

Rey was stunned, she didn't know what to say. 

"You mentioned...a promise...I assumed..."  
"We have an agreement," He muttered. "But it isn't an engagement,"  
"Oh," She stammered out. "An agreement?"  
"She was being hassled by her male fans, one in particular, the one you saw," He paused, stopping his pacing for just a moment. He ran his hands back through his dark hair. "The gossip sites had already declared that we were dating. We just never did anything to correct their assumptions," 

Rey's tea had gotten cold. She was sure she looked like a gaping fish, out of water. She couldn't find any words. She felt embarrassed, and stupid. 

"But the promise?" She finally choked out.  
"She made me sign a contract that said I would do nothing to make anyone believe we aren't a couple. I promised her that I would take care of her,"  
"But why?" Her voice was louder than she intended it to be.  
"You have to understand Rey," He paused. "She was the only one who was here, with me...when you-" He didn't finish. Maybe he didn't know how to finish.  
"But she was the reason--" Rey felt sick. She let out a choked sound, air caught in her throat. God, how stupid she had been to ever trust that woman. 

And what incredible lengths she had gone to to get what she wanted. 

"She was the reason for what?"  
"I...we were best friends, Ben," She placed her hand on her forehead. Disbelief. "Didn't you think it was odd that I broke up with you and she showed up on your door step the very next day? I didn't want to lose my friends, my best friend...but I did anyway. She threatened to--" No more words would come. 

Rey realized it was her choice. She had to take responsibility for doing what she had done, but she wished that she hadn't. 

Ben looked completely flabbergasted. 

The snow storm picked up in pitch, rattling against the house.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess i lied. 
> 
> revelationssss 
> 
> guys, if you like this, share it, reblog it, print it out and hang it on your walls  
> anything helps  
> i'm currently dark-love-light over at tumblr, any reblogs or recommends help!
> 
> blurb is from W.B Yeats. learnin y'all some poetry.


	16. XVI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forget about the work you need to do  
> Forget about how hard it is to lose  
> Forget about the things you need to say  
> I see it in your eyes I feel the same

✤

_Rey, can you come to the hospital? I'm sorry to interrupt your class._

_What's wrong?_

_It's Kaydel, she...something happened to her._

**He isn't a plaything, Kaydel. He's a person.**

**I can't live knowing you have him and I don't.**

Rey sniffed. She wiped her nose. Ben rustled around for a box of tissues and handed them to her. She took one and tried to clean her face. She hadn't even realized she had been crying. Ben watched her. The look on his face was difficult, she couldn't figure out what he was thinking. She wished, for once, that she could peer through into his thoughts. He had gotten so good at schooling his features to show no reaction at all – but she realized that this might be shock on his part. 

“She tried to kill herself?” He asked.   
“Yes,” Rey replied. “She wouldn't see me afterwards. Her mother wouldn't let me past the door. The first time we spoke again was when I came back here,”   
“She told me she was sick around that time,” He shook his head. His hair had fallen into his eyes. “She didn't tell me this,” 

Rey wondered if he even believed her. It was possible that he trusted Kaydel's word over her own...but she knew that the record would be there, should he ever try to find the proof of her statement. 

“And you think she did it because of us?” He asked. Rey picked up on the slight tremor in his voice.   
“I think maybe I don't know what the reasons really were,” Rey paused, balling the tissue up in her hand just to have something to do. “But I was young, and I thought I had some control over it. I thought that if...well it didn't turn out that way,”   
“I thought it was Finn. I was sure he was always first, for you,” He said, his voice quiet. “Why didn't you tell me?”   
“It was, partially,” She admitted. “And it was me. I thought I didn't deserve you....maybe I was too quick to look for reasons to get out.” She paused. “Her mother asked me not to. I was trying to be respectful,”   
“Did Finn know?”   
“Not until later,” 

She looked up at Ren. He was staring at her as if the clouds had cleared and he could suddenly see a solution so clearly he didn't know what he had been worried about. Her cheeks colored. She was afraid. Her pulse was roaring, her heart a hammer against her rib cage – threatening to burst through. What would he say? 

“And now?” He asked, his voice even quieter than it had been.   
“Now?” She asked, unsure of what he was asking.  
“What do you want now?”   
“I want...” She didn't know what to say. “I want everyone to be happy,”   
“No, Rey, enough of that,” He said, his voice pitching up with emotion. “What do you want for yourself?”   
She wasn't sure how to answer. She thought about it for a few, long moments, the silence stretching out between them. It seemed to painfully mock how far apart from each other they had gotten. How far apart they had allowed themselves to be lead from each other. 

Rey only had herself to blame for it. Ren could not have known, and she did not make an effort to tell him. 

“I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy,” She finally said. “I know what I did was wrong, I don't want it to...linger on any longer than it has,” She didn't have it in her to try to make any more excuses. Regardless of what Kaydel had done, the decision had ultimately been up to her.   
“And how should I be happy?”   
“If....if you wanted to marry her. I know you don't need my permission, but I would tell you that I understand,” She swallowed, heavily. “But, you should know...I never stopped loving you. Not once over the years. Now I think that if I could do it again, I would hold onto you, what we had. Tightly,” 

I had been the worst mistake she had made. She reminded herself never to do anything for another again.

Ren was looking at the kitchen floor. He seemed a million miles away. She wanted to reach out, and pull him back from the edge of the stars...or wherever he'd gotten off to. She thought she knew what was coming. She thought she knew what his silence and his distance meant. She had hoped to be prepared for it, but maybe a person was never fully prepared for pain and disappointment. She thought about what Finn had said: but at least you won't be in purgatory anymore.

He was right. It was time. 

Ben didn't say anything. They sat there in silence, the clock ticking away noisily. Finally, Rey began to realize he might not say anything at all. She left her tea and stood up, as quietly as she could. She came to stand in front of him. He was leaned up against the counter, his arm propped up, his position lax. She expected that what she was about to do might not be well received, but she would do it anyway and then wish him a good night. 

In the morning, she would do her best to move on. At least now, she felt, she could close the lid on this part of her life without the contents of it spilling all over her future. 

She reached up, her hands resting on his features. His cheeks were damp. She wiped the tears away, her hands shaking. It had been so long since she'd touched him without provocation from him. He was obviously surprised. Carefully, she began to pull her hands away. He reached up, catching her wrists. He kept her from moving away. 

_No, it won't be that easy this time._

She kissed his lips. She didn't close her eyes at first, wanting to test for reaction. Would he push her away? He didn't. At first, he was immobile. She kissed his lips again, tasting the salt tears as she drew away. She had meant it to be their final kiss, and so, she tried to step back. She realized he wasn't about to let her pull away. He reached out, the flat of his hand slipping up beneath her sweater and the shirt she wore beneath. His skin was warm on hers, and the surprise of it caused her to release a puff of air.   
His other hand joined it's companion, gripping her waist and pulling her closer. He leaned down into her, his eyes fixed resolutely on hers. 

“I don't want to marry her,” He responded, his voice a low whisper.   
“Oh,” Rey responded, lamely.

✤

He kissed her with all the veracity of someone who hadn't been able to see the sunlight for a long time. He was a bit ruthless. She was out of breath and her cheeks burned hotly with the blood that rushed through her veins. His hands were everywhere, dropping down from her waist to pass over her lower back before he gripped her thighs and picked her up. She gave a short gasp, though he only turned to push her butt against the counter, her legs spread so accommodate his hips. The chill of the tile on the counter was a shock, causing a violent shudder to run through her.

Too many sensations at once. 

Her fingertips slid a path around his neck down the front of his sweater, grasping the fabric and bunching it up between her fingertips. He released a hot puff of air against her neck and she realized he responded when she touched him back. Perhaps they were both a bit unbelieving of it. She pulled him closer, and he obliged her, pushing her back and nearly knocking the now cool electric kettle off of the counter. She felt his haggard breath, caught in his throat with surprise. They were both drowning, clinging onto one another like idiots. 

She felt brave. She lifted the front of his sweater, letting her fingertips drift along the expanse of his abdomen. She enjoyed the way his skin twitched beneath, his breath coming out in short puffs, as if it was ticklish but too alluring to resist. 

They had never gotten around to this, not really. There had been times when they'd gotten close, but Rey hadn't been ready. Now, she felt as if she was ready to run out to the end of a cliff and dive straight into cold, dark water. She didn't know what the future might hold, but she wanted to have him while he was there...just in case it might be the last time. 

Rey felt him pulling away. She was forced to open her eyes. She caught her bottom lip in her teeth, wondering if she had gone too far. She felt ready to snap back into her shell at any moment, though she couldn't have blamed him for rejecting her. Not after she had rejected him, whatever the reasons had been. She was surprised to find that he was looking at her, his fingertips bunching in the bottom of her sweater. She lifted her arms, allowing him to pull it up and off of her. She repaid the motion, helping him out of his own sweater. He wore no shirt underneath, and she had on a rumpled camisole that had already been disturbed by his roving hands. 

Slowly, she let her fingertips trace patterns on his skin. She enjoyed watching the goosebumps rise, enjoyed the way her skin was a few shades darker than his – prone to sucking up the sun without much effort. He began to peel the camisole off of her, as if he were unwrapping a very precious gift. She found she was desperate for him, fearful he would change his mind. 

Neither of them would get the chance when the door bell started buzzing. It was loud, likely set up so that it could be heard all through the house. They were so far away from civilization that Rey was surprised, having completely forgotten that the driver was sleeping away the hours during the storm in the guest house. 

Ren looked furious. 

The buzzer went off again. 

Rey chewed at her bottom lip, a bad habit that had died hard. She watched as he peeled himself away from her as if it was painful to do so. He bent down to retrieve his sweater, pulling it over his dark hair with a look on his face that could only be described as thwarted. He helped her down from the counter, handing her her sweater. She pulled it on, clearing her throat and trying to compose herself. 

When Ren opened the door, the driver was standing on the other side. He'd thrown his coat on over his pajamas. She could see that he was shivering. Immediately, she thought it was an emergency. He handed his phone to Ren. Ren took it, answering with a feral 'what' that game out more like a growl than a word. Rey stood back, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to shield herself from the chilled wind that was creeping in. Snow whorls fluttered, melting as soon as they hit the floor. 

Ren didn't have a conversation, exactly. He listened, and she could not hear the other part of it. When it appeared to be over, he handed the phone back to the driver. 

“Apologies to interrupt your sleep,” Ren said, trying to be friendly. It might have been too late for that. Too late and too cold. 

The driver trekked back to the guest house, the icy snow crunching beneath his boots. Ren shut the door behind him, blocking the cold out once more. Rey must have looked concerned. Ren turned to look at her and said: 

“Hux wanted me to tell you that he thanks you for finding me,” 

Rey was a bit stunned. And then, unable to help herself, she laughed.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> touchy subject. try to be as respectful as you can in the comments :)   
> national suicide prevention line: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> also, despite being a very serious fic writer i too sometimes fall prey to a dumb trope (totally blocked, Ren)  
> please forgive
> 
> blurb is from 'bedroom door' by Broods


	17. XVII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> XVII

✤

They went to bed, separately.

It wasn't for lack of desire, she could see it rolling off of him in waves, feel it in the way he was looking at her. However, the moment had been interrupted, and it seemed it was difficult for both of them to bridge the gap again...twice in one night. Rey wasn't even sure she knew where she stood with him. He had said nothing, except for that he didn't want to marry Kaydel. What about the promise he had made to her? What about the contract? What did it mean? 

He kissed her goodnight, slowly. He drew it out sweetly, stealing her breath and her senses from her. He gripped her tightly, his touch lingering. He did not want to let her go. She had the idea that she might follow him, like a puppy, to his bedroom. However, she exercised her will power and managed to close the door to the guest room behind her. 

She did not sleep well, her dreams a frustrating mixture of anxiety and want. 

She woke up early when her phone alarm went off. She had forgotten to switch it off, though she had the idea that now that she had found him, Ren would want to return to work immediately. She could smell coffee, and she thought, waffles. She had to have been imagining things. She took a quick shower and brushed her teeth. She pulled on a pair of black jeans and an over-sized sweat-shirt. It hung off of her shoulder, revealing the lacy strap of her camisole. It didn't seem like a good idea to dress to impress when it was so cold, and she thought she would have time to change before she was forced to go to work. 

She put on a pair of thick socks and her boots, ready to tramp through the snow. 

She came out to find Ben in the kitchen, still in his slippers. He had dressed, at least, in a pair of jeans and an expensive looking burgundy sweater. He had his glasses on. He looked pleasantly mussed, pleasantly sleepless. She was glad to find she wasn't the only one. She was surprised, however. She had been expecting that he would be ready to leave. Maybe he was really intent on finishing his vacation. 

He turned to look at her. She set her bag aside. 

“You look ready to leave,” He said, turning back to whatever he was doing.  
“I thought the driver would be ready to go back into town. I had thought you would come back to work,”  
“No, not today,” He said. “I sent the driver before it started to snow heavily,” He admitted.  
“That means I don't have a ride home,”  
“What do you call me?” He turned to smile at her.  
“When will that be?”  
“Are you in a hurry? We're snowed in for now,”  
“Do you think Frank got back safely?”  
“I'm sure he will,” Ren said. “Do you want some coffee?”  
“No thanks,” She replied.  
“You used to love it,”  
“I haven't been able to drink it without being reminded of...the day we broke up,”  
“Can we change that?” He poured her a mug of coffee and handed it to her.  
“I thought you would be excited to get back to work,” She took the mug of coffee. It was warm. She set it down, putting some cream and sugar into it.  
“Nothing could be farther from the truth,”  
“You really intend to abandon Hux to the meeting with Genesis?” She sat down at the kitchen table, taking a sip of the coffee. It wasn't bad, and for once, she didn't feel like crying.  
“Hux can handle it, especially after that stunt he pulled last night,”  
“How else was he supposed to get a hold of you?” Rey asked, unable to help the playful tone that crept into the question. “What are you making?”  
“Waffles,”  
“Waffles,” She repeated, her brow dropping in curiosity. “Is this like you? I can't tell,”  
“Making breakfast seems out of character for me?”  
“I guess not,” She took another sip of the coffee. “Well, since you've given me no choice but to stay....did you have plans?”  
“I admit, I wasn't playing fair when I sent him away,” How surprising. “But I was fearful you would say no,” He paused. “I thought to show you the house,”  
“Try me next time. I guess I did miss the tour,” 

He sat a plate down in front of her. He'd made fruit compote out of berries and dusted them with powdered sugar. She had always been a little amazed with his skills in the kitchen. They ate in silence, occasionally looking across the table at one another, smiling in goofy, stupid ways. Her foot slipped it's way up his leg, testing the waters just a bit. It was like they were kids again.

When they finished breakfast, they washed the dishes together. Ben washed, and she dried. It was a snapshot into how life might have been, if things had gone differently for them. Rey found it to be bittersweet, but he was still there. He had not gone back to work, he had not sent her away. Surely there was something in this, the desire he had to drag this small vacation out, at least for another day. 

Rey thought she should have been mad that she sent the driver away, but she couldn't find it in her to be angry. 

“So? Give me the tour,” She looked up at him. The wan sunlight came through the window, catching his eyes and making them seem almost amber. 

He leaned down and stole a kiss from her lips. And then, another. She leaned up into him. He tasted like raspberries. So did she, she guessed. Her fingertips caught in his sweater, his arms encircled her. They were timid in their kisses, still unsure of one another. 

Certainly, it was a dream. Certainly, she was still sleeping. 

He pulled back, smiling at her. 

“The tour,” His voice was soft. Full of affection.

✤

Ren showed her everything, including his own bedroom. The bed faced a full window, and gave a beautiful view of the snowy landscape beyond. He seemed protective of one particular room, which he waited until last to reveal. When Rey walked into the room, she realized it was an art studio. There was a drawing desk, a light, and all manner of supplies. When she looked to the walls, she found that he had framed two of her old paintings. Two paintings that she remembered having given him. One was of herself, and the other of him. She saw all of the flaws in them, and began to pick out how she had improved, but she couldn't help but be touched that he had kept them all these years.

“You kept them,” She said, her voice full of wonder and surprise.  
“Of course,” He came nearer, watching her as she reached out to slide her fingers along the frame. “Why wouldn't I?”  
“Weren't you angry with me?”  
“Yes,” He replied. “But destroying them or throwing them away was more painful than my anger with you,”  
“And have you taken up painting?” She moved slowly, trailing her fingers along the fine desk.  
“No,” He said. “I admit, I was thinking of you when I instructed them to build this room,”  
“Me?” He was a constant surprise.  
“Yes. At first I thought it was because I wanted to prove to you all of the things you would be missing with me,” His voice was tremulous. “But, I was an idiot. It ended up reminding me of you each time I came here. So, I stopped coming here,”  
“And bought the apartment in the city? Why didn't you just change the room into something else?”  
“Yes. Because I couldn't bring myself to forget about you,”  
“I like it better here,” She admitted, smiling as she turned to look at him.  
“I like it better here when you're here,” 

She looked down, a small frown crossing her features.  
“What is it?” He asked.  
“Ben, what about Kaydel?”  
“I don't want to talk about her anymore,”  
She found she didn't want to, either. She wished, for a brief moment, that she had never met her.  
“Can't we just pretend, for a few days, that none of it exists? That it's just you and me, and that's where it ends?” He asked. His voice was so full of hope she thought she might cry.  
“I've never been very good at not worrying about the future,” She took a step closer to him.  
He laughed, shakily. He reached out to grasp her head, pressing a kiss to the crown of her hair.  
“I know,” He agreed. “Are you willing to try?”  
“Yes,” She replied...perhaps impulsively.  
“That's all I can ask for,”  
“I never stopped painting you, you know. Although, my rendition of you was pretty incorrect until I met you again,” She pointed out.  
“Rey,” He said, taking in a deep breath. “Angry as I was...I never stopped loving you,”  
“Ditto,” She said, a bit cheekily. 

He looked relieved. He looked as if he hadn't taken a breath of fresh air in seven years, and now, he suddenly had.

✤

Rey called Rose. She had a few calls from Hux the night prior, probably an attempt to get a hold of Ben. She realized that that was likely when he had called the driver due to irritation. Finn hadn't called, but he had sent her a text asking if she was alright. She replied, saying she would be out of town for a few days. Finn replied:  
 **Where are you?**  
 **Middle of nowhere. Ben's.**  
 **Good luck. :)**

Rose answered on the first ring. 

“Hey!” She said. “Where are you?”  
“In the middle of nowhere,” She replied. “I'm with...well, I'm with an old friend,”  
“You're with Ben?” She asked.  
“How did you know?”  
“Finn might have said something,”  
“You won't tell anyone, right?”  
“Who would I tell? When will you be home?”  
“I'm not sure,” She admitted. “I didn't want you to worry,”  
“Thank you for thinking of me. See you in a few days, I guess?”  
“Bye, Rose,” 

Rose hung up first. She felt as if they were both colluding, or maybe they were together. She brushed it off, setting her phone on the side table. She turned to find him standing in the door way of the guest room with his arms crossed over his chest. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Still, these fledgling admissions were a bit awkward. They were on shaky ground, they both knew. She was unsure of how to approach him, how to quash this feeling that there was still distance between the two of them. 

“What do you usually do when you're snowed in?” She tried, wanting to penetrate the strange tension between them.  
“I don't know, I've never been snowed in here,” He said.  
“Never?”  
“I haven't spent much time here since it's been built,”  
“That's right, all you do is work,”  
“I don't hear you volunteering any ideas,” His voice pitched down, suddenly deep.  
“Hmm,” She sighed out, thoughtfully. “What about a movie?”  
“It's an idea,” He said, seeming disappointed.  
“Unless you have another one,” It felt they were dancing around each other a bit.  
“I do,” He replied. “But a movie doesn't sound awful,”  
“Don't give me any encouragement,” She teased, unable to help the smile that appeared on her face.  
Ben moved towards his bedroom. She looked after him pausing in the hallway.  
“Where are you going?”  
“The best TV is in here,” He motioned. “Come on, I won't bite,”  
“Are you sure?” Rey said, slowly following after him. 

He acted like he hadn't heard her.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (yells loudly) i love writing fluff!!!! 
> 
> but now, lets get down to bidness
> 
> should there be smut? 
> 
> y/n
> 
> (also, this is it for me this weekend but I will try to update tomorrow. enjoy the fluff while it lasts...)


	18. XVIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,  
> in secret, between the shadow and the soul."

✤

The movie was really an idle distraction. She took her shoes off before she set foot on the lush carpet of his bedroom, glad for the thick socks. It was gradually getting warmer in the room, but even so it was still a bit chilly. She watched as Ben removed a remote from an elegant side table. She watched as he hit the button, and the curtains closed on their own. Her eyes widened just a bit. She knew this technology existed, she just hadn't seen it up close.

The curtains left a small bit of the snowy landscape beyond exposed, and a strip of pale light was visible on the carpet. She moved around the bedroom, thinking it looked more like his home than an apartment had. It was clear that it had become a sort of tomb for the things that defined him that he had been trying to give up. She could see he'd hung some of his medals from his track running days. She paused in front of them, smiling a bit. She remembered seeing him run, back when he was leaner and a bit more awkward. 

He turned to look at her, tilting his head as he examined her examining his medals. 

"Why don't you keep these in your apartment?" She asked, looking at him.  
"I'm not sure," He replied. "I think maybe, for awhile, I was trying to run away from Ben Solo,"  
Rey frowned, realizing this had a lot to do with her.  
"So...that explains Kylo Ren?" She asked, wondering if he would tell her more.  
"I wanted to become a ruthless businessman," He admitted. "I just didn't realize it would be so difficult to leave him behind,"  
"I could have told you that,"  
"Really?"  
"You're a good man, Ben Solo,"  
"Am I?"  
"I realize you haven't been acting like one, but then...I haven't been acting very good either,"  
"We're both in need of redeeming ourselves, then," He said, closing the distance between them. "You're the only woman to ever call me a good man," He smiled, motioning towards the TV. "Do you want to pick the movie?"  
"You're giving that honor to me?"  
"Indeed," He handed her the remote.  
"Where's the TV?" 

He pressed a button and she watched as a huge television appeared out of nowhere. She arched her eyebrow in curiosity. It might have been big enough to actually be in a theater. 

"It's huge," She said. 

Ben laughed.

They settled in on his bed. It was huge, and covered in a deep blue down comforter. The pillows were stacked high, like they were in a hotel. Ben removed a few of them, and plopped down onto the bed. She followed suit, though she was trying hard not to get too close to him. 

She picked a movie that earned a shrug from both of them, considering none of the others looked even vaguely interesting. It was some sort of period thriller. Bodice ripper, maybe. More likely it was a Naboo production of an old novel whose themes were no longer exactly scandalous. 

The inevitable inertia of the bed and getting comfortable meant that they also got closer. She felt drowsy. The movie wasn't very interesting, and Rey was so comfortable on his bed it was beginning to be difficult to keep her eyes open. Her head came to rest on his shoulder. Eventually, he shifted his arm and pulled her against him. He was warm, and she released a sleepy noise of pleasure. Her eyes opened for a few moments, but they slipped closed again. 

Without meaning to, she fell asleep. 

When she woke up a short time later, she felt remarkably well rested. She stretched just a bit, and realized that she was flush against a sleeping Ben. She felt comfortable, tangled and wrapped up with him. He'd pulled the blankets over them both. She looked at him, still boyish in his restive state. She reached out, pushing his dark hair away from his brow. The whisper of a touch was enough to wake him. He smiled. 

"Not dreaming, then," His voice was bit hazy with sleep.  
"Not anymore," She replied, her own voice a bit husky. 

When he kissed her, it was soft. Not exactly timid, but sweet and lingering. He touched his lips to hers, briefly, before he kissed her again. Her encouragement seemed to draw him out. She leaned into him, her hands lifting to slide along his forearms as she felt his weight roll more fully atop her. 

She supposed she should have known better; that a movie in his bed wouldn't end up this way. Except now, there was no one to interrupt them. Rey found she didn't mind. Her thoughts became more and more fuzzy the longer he kissed her - the more insistent he became. She breathed out his name as his mouth broke from hers. She grasped the front of his sweater, a bit fearful he might pull away. 

His hands were more adept than she remembered them being. He adjusted her hips, shifting her up so that he could settle between her thighs. He pressed against her, his hips rolling so that she could feel the friction. She released a pleased and throaty gasp, arching up against him. 

_More, more, more._

Losing track of herself, she sunk her teeth into the flesh of his neck, though it was only to drag them along the skin. He released a gasp himself, his deep and breathy. She felt the heat of it on her skin as he kissed along her exposed skin. 

He did pull back, his warm fingertips inching the bottom of her sweatshirt up. She chewed on her bottom lip. His fingers felt hot. She thought, for a moment, that she could feel his pulse. She lifted her arms, and he peeled the layer of fabric away from her, tossing it into a place where she could not easily retrieve it. She felt sure that he had probably put his phone on silent, considering the events of the previous night. 

His hands encompassed her middle easily. She felt small, comparatively. He kissed the line of her rib-cage, his mouth placed just between her breasts as he worked to unhook her bra. It was an easy task, and Rey felt it come free. He pulled it away from her. The air felt cold, causing the rosy buds of her nipples to harden against the chill. She was at his whim. 

He sunk his teeth into the flesh of her nipple, causing her to arch up against him and drag her fingers through his mess of dark hair. He repeated the motion, forcing up a shaky moan from the depths of her chest. She reached for him, wanting to feel his skin on hers. She was less adept than he was, but he understood her desire and leaned back, pulling the sweater and the shirt on beneath it completely off. 

She was feeling bold. She was feeling somehow more like herself than she ever had. She unbuttoned his jeans. Even he seemed a bit surprised by it. She reached out for him, her fingertips feathering out over the head of the hot, erect flesh. He gave a throaty noise, and she continued on with her motions, encouraged by the noises she drew out of him. 

He pulled back, reaching out to yank her jeans off of her. It was rough, causing her to giggle a bit as she grasped for the sheets and tried to keep herself from being pulled from the bed completely. He managed to get the rest of her clothing off of her. He was completely entranced with her, his mouth making a meal of her as he kissed her stomach and the faint dusting of hair between her legs. 

She was surprised by where he put his mouth, and it caused her to release a sharp 'Ah!'. He teased her this way, applying a maddening amount of pressure with his tongue in areas that drew the most reaction. She groaned, arching up against him and tightening her fingertips against his scalp. 

As good as it was, she wanted more. When he pulled his mouth away from her, she locked him against her with her legs. 

"Are you sure?" He breathed out, his voice haggard.  
"Yes," She said, ecstatically. She was sure. She was having a hard time catching her breath. 

He was careful. He was slow. She was slick, and aching, but even so it took a few moments for her to adjust to him. She had done this before, but never with him, never like this. He pushed himself inside of her, and she rose up to meet him, causing both of them to release frantic little puffs of air. They were most certainly drowning...but at least they were doing it together.

The first time, they came together. The second time, it was slower - exploratory, and a bit lascivious. It had been a long time, after all. The third time was a bit of a surprise, a burst of pure passion that overtook them both until they were both sweating and breathless. 

Rey had never been so sweetly exhausted in all of her life.

✤

The world did not exist outside of his house. They only got up to eat, and once to shower. The day passed blissfully, and Rey was unaware of it's passing. For a moment, she really believed they could live in stasis, just like this, forever. She knew better, of course. But she was insistent on focusing on the present, no matter how much the future might press against her thoughts.

They fell asleep together later that night, both exhausted. The snow continued to fall in flurries, and as the night fell and the temperature dropped it became more apparent that it wasn't just a snow fall, it was a snow storm. The noise woke Rey up, sometime in the middle of the night. It was dark, the only light coming from the faint glow of an alarm clock that rested to the side of Ben's bed. He slept, his face peaceful, his chest rising and falling soothingly. 

Carefully, she slid out of bed. He had given her an over-sized sweatshirt to wear in place of the one he'd tossed, and she moved towards the window to get a look at the flurry beyond. It was impossible to see anything, even as she pulled the curtain back. She stared into the white noise for a few moments. Ben shifted in his sleep, and she turned to see if he was still sleeping. 

He had stretched his arm out to reach for her. When he found nothing, she saw him stretch out his long frame. He took in a deep breath of air and sat up, his hair mussed with sleep. He looked grumpy. 

"What are you doing?" He asked, sleep still hanging on him like a heavy cloak.  
"The storm woke me up," She whispered. "Go back to sleep,"  
"Come back here," His features transformed from grumpy to pleased. She was still there. "It's cold," 

Rey tilted her head with a smile on her face. She stopped at the wall, turning the thermostat up so the room would warm up. 

"If you're looking for a reason not to come back to bed--"  
"Shut up," She said, her smile turning to a grin. "I'm coming back to bed," 

She crawled atop the blankets until she was beside him. He laid down, and she laid down beside him after slipping beneath the covers. It was warm. She hadn't realized how cold she had been. He pulled her close, his lips against her temple in a lazy kiss. She closed her eyes, thinking it would be so easy to just do this for the rest of her life. 

"You won't disappear in the morning, will you? Or change your mind," He might have been talking out of pure exhaustion.  
"No," She replied, softly.  
"Good, because I've had dreams like this,"  
"Me too," 

Outside, the snow continued to fall -- coating the ground with a thick blanket of glittering white...as if nothing earth shaking had happened at all.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp. 
> 
> i'm a bit wary of writing smut because i honestly think i'm not good at it and prefer to write fluff  
> but here's the sex  
> and the fluff
> 
> i do write a good romantic scene even if it's not the freakiest erotic friend fiction ever
> 
> so, enjoy. hope it's not too disappointing. next chapter tomorrow sometime! 
> 
> blurb is from Pablo Neruda.


	19. XIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reality denied comes back to haunt.

✤

Morning came.

Rey shifted when her body was stiff from sleep, or oversleep. She was drawn up tightly against Ben, his arms around her as if he was truly afraid she might try to escape him. She turned around to face him, finding he had a bit of a crinkle in his brow. It made him look as he might have been having a nightmare. She used her fingertips to gently soothe the wrinkle in his brow. She kissed his lips, softly, a few times. 

He began to stir, kissing her back as if it were the most natural thing to do just waking up. The groan he released was pleasant, rumbling against her mouth. They had morning breath. It didn't seem to matter much to either of them. 

"Good morning," He said. In the process of this, she had slid atop him. His hands roved her frame, slipping deviously around to her backside.  
"Morning," She murmured. She gave a short squeak as he grabbed her, laughing a bit. "Should I make breakfast?"  
"Oh, there are so many other things I'd rather do with you," He said, smiling.  
"Hm, I'm sure," She propped herself up, rolling away from him. "But I'm starving,"  
"Well if the lady must eat, she must eat," He sat up. "But let me make it for you,"  
"I have something to prove," She said, setting her feet on the floor and standing up into a long stretch. She could feel Ben's eyes on her.  
"What's that?"  
"That I know how to cook some things,"  
"Some things?" He asked, teasing. "Prove it, then," 

She was glad she was able to get him to relent. She watched him put on a robe, though she had to admit she was sorry to see him cover himself up. She stopped by the guest room, where she'd left her things. She dressed, tying her hair back into a loose bun. She found a clean pair of socks and put them on her chilly feet. When she found her way to the kitchen, she saw he was already making coffee. 

"You really want to change my mind about coffee, hm?"  
"I can't live without it," He admitted. "It's my favorite part of the day...maybe because it reminds me of you," He smiled at her, looking at her briefly. 

She took a cup. She thought she could get used to it. She began to pull things out of the fridge. She wasn't about to get fancy and make waffles, but she scrambled eggs, fried bacon and made some toast. She sat a plate down in front of him, bouncing back on her heels pridefully. He laughed. 

"I'm impressed," He said, leaning forward to dig into the food. "It isn't bad, either," He said, between bites.  
"Thank you for your concession," She was feeling a bit facetious. 

She sat down beside him with her own plate, and began to eat. She had to admit to herself that she could never quite get scrambled eggs right, but they were good enough. She was happy to be eating, considering how hungry she was. She might have helped herself to a second helping if she had made enough. Instead, she began picking at his breakfast. He leaned back to watch her, his hand placed around his mug of coffee. 

"What?" She asked, looking back at him.  
"I love you," He said. And she believed him.  
"I love you, too," He looked like he believed her, too. 

She finished his toast. 

He reached out, grasping her playfully and pulling her into his lap. She couldn't help her laughter, and she didn't squirm to get away from him. 

"I also know how to make macaroni and cheese, from a box,"  
"Impressive," 

He leaned into her, kissing her neck and then her mouth. It was easy to be distracted by him, thoroughly. 

"What should we do today?" She asked when he pulled away.  
"We could watch another movie," His tone was deep and devious.  
"Mhm," She replied, pressing her lips together. "Movie,"  
"Really? You don't want a repeat?" He acted surprised.  
"No, I do," She admitted. "Many, many more,"  
"I can agree to that," He let her out of his lap, though he hung onto her hand until she pulled away completely. 

She began putting the plates and dishes in the sink. She ran the water, putting her weight forward on her toes to get a better look at the window as she pulled the curtain away. It was no longer snowing, but it had dumped a few good inches on the ground. It was beautiful, all of that undisturbed powder. She felt him behind her, his hands sliding around her waist and pulling her back against him. Ben was openly affectionate, no longer holding back now that the floodgates were open. Rey enjoyed it, completely. She could no longer be in doubt in how he felt, or how she felt. 

"Should we venture outdoors?" He asked, leaning into her. She let herself be ensconced by him.  
"Maybe we can sled," 

He laughed. 

"I'm going to brush my teeth," Rey said, turning to look at him.  
"I'll finish these and get dressed," 

Rey made her way back to the guest room. She checked her phone briefly, seeing a few texts from Rose. She was too excited to really check them, and she turned her phone back over. She brushed her teeth and found her shoes in Ben's room. She heard him in the bathroom, and so she went out to the kitchen to drink some more coffee. She waited, watching the outside world from the window. It took him a few moments longer than she thought it would. 

She stood up, wondering if he'd gotten distracted with something - or perhaps he had decided to take a shower. She found him sitting, on his mussed bed, phone in hand. She couldn't read his features, but when she looked closely she could see those telltale storms gathering at his dark brow. Her own features dropped in concern. 

"Ben, is everything okay?" She asked, her voice quiet and timid. She didn't like it, it reminded her of the girl she'd been when she had let someone else talk her out of her feelings for him.

He looked up at her, as if he was realizing she was still there. 

He sighed, and did not answer right away. Finally, he handed her his phone. 

She didn't realize what he was trying to show her at first. It was all over the entertainment sites. Pictures of her and him, from angles unknown, from unknown photographers. Pictures of them kissing. She might have been happy if that had been it, but the worst came up later...like a bad meal. She recognized pictures of them, together, last night. Whoever had taken them had had to get up very close to the window. She thought they might have been worse if the storm hadn't kicked up and likely forced whoever it was back into shelter. 

Who would have been crazy enough to drive out there in the snow? 

She could only think of one person who might have been crazy enough to at least send someone. 

"Ben, I--" 

He didn't take his phone back, instead standing up. 

"I'm going to have to get back to the office as soon as possible,"  
"Ben, what are you thinking? Talk to me,"  
"I don't know," He said. "Damage control. My reputation. Who would have done this?"  
"You know who did this," Rey said, sharply. "What does your reputation matter?"  
"The entire world thinks I'm dating someone else," He said. He looked angry. "Hux said the stock is dropping,"  
"Ben," Her voice was full of a new found agony. "What can I do?"  
"Nothing," He said. "Get your things, I'll take you home," 

It felt like a dismissal. He was back to Kylo Ren in a minute, distant and cold. She wanted to take his hand and lead him back, all those steps they'd taken the night before suddenly feeling like they had been wasted. 

"Should I come in?"  
"No, I think it's good you stay away from the office for a few days," 

She felt like crying. 

Kaydel found a way to slip in, even now. Always. Rey wondered if it was hopeless, if they would ever be truly rid of her.

✤

The car ride back was quiet and slow. Rey didn't know what to say, she wanted to help him, but she didn't know how. She felt like apologizing, but she wasn't going to apologize for the previous night...even if it did ruin their lives. She was in those photos too, in a lot of those photos, and she had no idea how it would effect her. What if she lost her job and wasn't able to get another one?

She had purposefully avoiding even looking at the headlines, but when she pulled her phone out she saw that the texts from Rose were about the scandal. 

**Rey, is Kaydel pregnant?**  
**Rey, are you ok? Please call me when you see this.**

Rey felt sick to her stomach. Pregnant? 

After torturing herself with the headlines; 'Pregnant screen royalty and her cheating fiancee!' She shoved her phone into her bag. Anger rose up in her like a unknown, coiled viper. 

"She's pregnant?" She asked, looking at Ben. "So what? This was just some ploy to get me to sleep with you before you go running back to her? Were you even being honest about the contract?" Her voice pitched up in her fury. She was trying not to yell. 

"She isn't pregnant," He said, looking at the radio. He turned the heat up, seeming to need to do something. "And if she is, it isn't mine,"  
"How do you know, Ben? How do you know? When was the last time you fucked her?" Rey was surprised with her own boldness, her own anger. She'd unlocked something in herself last night.  
"Rey," His voice was a low growl. "I've never touched her. Ever, not in that way," 

Rey wanted to believe him. She really did, but she felt like a fool. She was embarrassed, and she had been violated by someone taking her photo during an intimate moment with someone she thought she trusted. She wasn't going to cry in front of him. Not then. She couldn't. When he dropped her in front of her apartment after the long, quiet and tense ride, she slammed the door on him. 

"Rey--" He tried, but she had already slammed the door on him. 

He lingered in the parking lot for a few moments, seeming to be of two minds. Should he go after her, or not? After a moment, he decided not do and peeled out of the parking lot. 

Rey's tough facade crumbled and she started crying. 

To be so full of happiness, and have it so suddenly ripped away, she felt bereft. She felt as if she was mourning a dear friend. 

She finally called Rose. Rose picked up on the first ring. 

"Oh my god, I'm so glad to hear from you," She said. "Are you okay? Where are you?"  
"I'm alright," Her voice was shaky. Her nose was swollen. "I'm at home now,"  
"Stay there, I'm coming home. I'll call Finn,"  
"Rose, it's alright. Finish your shift. I'll be okay here until it's time for you to get off,"  
"Rey, I think you shouldn't be alone. Will you call Finn, at least? He's worried about you,"  
"I will," 

Of course, it was difficult to even face up to her friends when her bare back was posted all over the internet. At least it wasn't worse. 

Or at least, that's what she told herself.

✤

Ben tried to call her.

She didn't answer her phone. 

Rose came home, and sat with her. She brought wine and Endorian food, though Rey found she didn't have a stomach for any of it. Finn came after awhile, and they all sat together on Rose's couch...Rose on one side of her and Finn on the other. The tears came leaking out without her wanting them to. 

"I'm such an idiot," She said. Finn handed her a tissue. She'd gone through a couple of boxes.  
"No you're not," Finn said. "You trusted a guy who you care about,"  
"And we don't even know if any of it's true," Rose pointed out, trying to be cheerful. "You did say the whole thing was a ruse,"  
"Maybe," She said.  
"Rey, do you really think he's capable of being that sneaky just to get you into bed? If he wanted to do that, it seems like there were easier ways," Finn pointed out.  
"I don't know," She sniffed. "You should have seen him," 

They refused to leave her alone. After they'd all had a significant amount of wine, they'd fallen asleep together on the couch. 

They both wanted to stay home with her the next morning, but Rey wouldn't let them. No one else should miss work just because she had to. Finn left after a half an hour of arguing, saying that he would be back that night. Rose said she would try to leave early. She mentioned that there was a weird vibe in the office. Ren might not even notice she left early. 

Rey was trying to separate the two in her mind. Could she keep her memories of Ben from that night, sweet and open, without tangling them up with her memories of Ren, a man who hid the man she loved from her? Weren't they the very same man, no matter how different they seemed? 

The house was quiet. She stared at her phone, but it felt like a ticking time bomb. She knew whatever she looked at would probably have remnants of the news the day before. She wanted to turn it off and leave it behind. She wanted to flush it down the toilet. However, despite how stupid and foolish she felt...some (also) stupid and foolish part of her hoped he would call again. 

He did call. 

She was still too stubborn to answer. 

She didn't even listen to the voicemail he left this time. 

She had made up her mind to resign anyway. 

She tried her best to go about her day normally. She wanted anything to distract her from the well of sadness that had broken free in her chest. She tried to eat. She cleaned the mess they'd left behind in the living room, throwing the blankets in the wash for Rose. She pulled her laptop open, and was careful to avoid any news sites. 

She thought about even updating her resume to include Imperialist. She hadn't been there but six months. She wasn't a fan of lying, but maybe she could come up with something to excuse her time away from work. 

She wanted to erase herself. 

Finally, she got up and took a shower. The day was odd...she excused it because of how terrible she had been feeling; but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched.

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ouch. 
> 
> blurb is from philip k dick.


	20. XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll be the left side, you be the right  
> I'll let the hours fall into the night  
> Hold out the ocean over your hands  
> Hope that the answer goes with the ask
> 
> I'll be the left side, you be the right  
> I'll let it bloom and then let it die  
> Hold out the ocean over your hands  
> Waiting for something to play out

✤

Rey finally picked up the phone.

She called Ben back, but he didn't answer. She tried again, but again, no reply. She thought perhaps he was angry with her for not picking up the phone. He was probably angry with her for a bevy of things. She couldn't blame him. She had told him she loved him, still, and at the first opportunity she had gone running again. 

So, she sent him a text, since she thought she might have a better chance of him seeing it. 

**Ben, I know you're probably upset with me...but I would like to see you. Can we meet?**

In a few moments, a reply dinged on her phone: 

**I'm at the office. You can stop by, if you like.**

It was a cordial reply, and nothing she could read too much into. 

She got dressed and wrote Rose a note, explaining that she would be back soon. She couldn't guess how the meeting would unfold, but she could at least try to apologize. Rose and Finn had been sensible. She didn't know any answers, and to assume the worst of him had brought out the worst in her. 

She gathered her things, and got on the light transit. She thought about catching the last one back, and tried to recall when the last one was. She had a habit of forgetting the specifics, and it came by at an odd time. She tried to keep herself calm. When she got on the transit, she reached out to grasp the bars of the empty seat in front of her, if only to bolster herself. She could do this, she deserved to be happy, it was time to stop letting Kaydel disrupt their lives. 

When she got off of the transit, she was determined. 

It was later in the evening, so she didn't think about how empty the offices seemed. Rose had mentioned that Ren had been allowing people to take vacation time, though the call center was bustling at all hours. She punched the number into the private elevator and got on it. It felt as if it had been years since she had been there, when it hadn't been very long at all. 

The Rey she had been and the Rey she was now felt miles apart. 

But really, she felt sure she hadn't changed much at all. 

_Still running, Rey._

Even if he couldn't forgive her, she would try to find a way to forgive herself. 

The top floor was dark. It was odd, considering she thought Rose would still be there. She checked her watch, and then her phone. Rose hadn't texted her. She wondered if maybe she had left early and stopped off somewhere with Finn to grab dinner. She thought to send her a text message, but she wanted to ride the inspiration she had while it was there. She didn't want to get cold feet and disappear again. 

The door to his office wouldn't open. It was dark beyond, which she was curious about. 

"Ben?" She tried, knocking. There was no reply. 

Had he already gone? 

She knocked again, but there was no reply. She pulled out her phone and sent him another text. 

She didn't become fearful until she heard it ding, somewhere behind her. 

Rey turned around quickly. It was dark, but the fading light from the windows provided her with plenty of visibility. She expected to see him standing there, but what she was met with was a sight more chilling than she could have imagined. 

It was Kaydel. She had something in her hands. 

Rey had a difficult time admitting to herself that it was a gun. Kaydel had pointed it right at her. She looked terrible. Her eyes were wide and rimmed with mascara that had smudged, probably from her wiping her eyes. Her skin was pale, and her hands were shaking. Rey was hopeful that the shaking meant that maybe, just maybe, she hadn't decided on what she was about to do. 

"Kaydel," She said, trying to keep her tone even. "How did you get Ben's phone?"  
"Out of his pocket," She said, sniffing. "It was easy when he wasn't looking,"  
"You don't have to do this," Rey said, trying to reason with her.  
"I won't," She said. "If you promise me you'll just go away," She was pleading with her. "Go back to wherever you came from, and never, ever come back,"  
"Kaydel," She said, her voice shaky. "I can't do that. You know I can't," 

She felt the tears beginning to slide down her cheeks. She was facing the reality that she might die up here, alone. Kaydel lifted her hands, focusing in on her aim...though she was still shaking. 

"I thought that if I made him see," Kaydel started, dropping the gun a bit to wipe at her nose. "I thought that if I made him see how you really are, that you would get fired. He would tell you he didn't want you, and it was me he wanted," 

Rey was beginning to realize how much of a fool she had been. Too little, too late. 

"Kaydel," She tried, choking up a bit. "You were my best friend. Please, please don't do this. We can work out whatever--"  
"No, we can't," Kaydel said, regaining herself. "We can't, because for some reason, it's you he wants,"  
"We can," Rey tried again. How to get her to see that there was no need for bloodshed?  
"But he didn't see," She said, picking up another thread. "Even after you sent that e-mail. Even after you tried to ruin his company," 

Rey hadn't done those things, but she realized it would be stupid to try and point that out. Clearly, the actress had it in her head that she had. 

"I knew it," She continued. "I knew it when Hux sent you out to his house. I knew it was over. I knew he would find out," 

Rey thought that if Kaydel kept talking, she might be able to make a run for it. The distance from the office and the elevator seemed so long. What if it took too long for the elevator door to close? 

"How long have you been watching me?" She asked. She was trying not to betray the fact that she might have been making a plan.  
"Since you came back. Almost from the first day," She smiled. She was spiraling between moods quickly. "I've loved him since I've met him, Rey. And if I can't have him, I'm going to take the thing he cares about the most away from him," 

Rey began to run. It was a burst of pure adrenaline. 

Kaydel shouted: No! 

And then there was a loud pop. 

It was strange, being shot. Kaydel zeroed in on her quickly, but her shaky, unstable movements and the fact that Rey was running made it difficult to hit her where she was intending. Rey felt something. It tore her flesh, sending her into shock. It was pain, but her body was trying to protect her from it. She felt cold. She wasn't even sure where she'd been shot, her hand moving to her side and coming away with blood. 

She fell. 

Kaydel had lost her nerve. Rey could hear her crying. She began to move towards the elevator. She wanted to get away, get to where someone could help her before she passed out. Instead, realizing the fruitlessness of it, she tried to reach for her phone. Her vision was fuzzy, stop gap and strange. She couldn't dial, there was blood on her fingers. 

She lost sight of her goals. Suddenly, she was cold, and sleepy. It didn't seem to matter anymore. She could just fall asleep. 

Before it went black, she saw Ben's face. She was thankful, maybe, that it was the last thing she was going to see. 

"I'm sorry," She said, to no one in particular -- just her image of Ben. She thought she touched his face...but she was sure it was just her mind going blank. 

It was black. 

It might have been dreams. Sometimes, she heard noise and saw colors. Mostly, though, there was nothing at all. 

She had the feeling that she had something to do. She had something to worry about, but trying to grasp for it she came up empty handed. 

Was she dead? 

She tried to open her eyes, but it was the feeling of being paralyzed in sleep. Her body wouldn't obey. She couldn't open her eyes. 

She began to see faces. Faces she thought she might have been able to recognize. There were images that eluded her completely. She wished, for one moment, that something would solidify and make her aware that she still existed somewhere, anywhere. 

There were times when she could hear a voice. She could feel a hand against her own, or at least, she thought she could. 

There were people saying her name. They were telling her secrets. 

_I love you._

**I love you, too.**

She couldn't find her breath to say it back.

✤

It was pain that woke her up. An aching soreness that grew, drawing her up and out of her slumber. The light was bright, painful, even behind the curtain that had been partially drawn. She felt gossamer, as if she were fading away...held onto the world only by a single, thin thread.

Her eyes finally opened, her body responding to her. She was not dead. 

She didn't know where she was, at first. She had tubes running out of her everywhere. She was muggy, her thoughts unclear. She was trying to recall what happened. What had happened? 

She thought that she was alone. Her head moved, just a bit, to the side. There were flowers, so many flowers. She wondered who had sent them, though she didn't have the range of focus to keep her attention on them. Her eyes were drawn to the tall, dark haired figure that was asleep by her bedside. 

Ben. 

She tried to reach out to him, but she found her range of movement was limited. She wanted to talk, to say something. She had something she needed to tell him...she just couldn't remember what it was. She struggled, enough that he stirred from his restive spot on the chair. He said her name, so sweetly it felt as if she were drinking water after a long time without. 

"Nurse!" He shouted. "She's awake!" 

It was then a flurry of activity. The doctors seemed surprised by her sudden wakefulness. They ran tests, and ensured that when she slept, she would wake again in the morning. 

She continued to wake, again, and again. Each day. 

Weeks passed before she was really even able to stay awake for extended periods of time. She slept, the pain medication causing her drowsiness. She was resting through the pain. People came and went, people she recognized. Finn, Rose. Even Hux. 

It was late at night when she became fully aware of her surroundings. They had taken some of the tubes away. She could move a bit more freely. There wasn't something in her mouth, helping her breathe. Keeping her alive. She thought she was alone, but she realized she wasn't. She saw a sleeping form, covered with the generally uncomfortable fleece blankets that the hospital provided. The curtain had been drawn, revealing a full moon. 

There was no snow, it had turned to slush in the streets. It was slowly melting away into spring. 

How long had she been asleep? 

She saw Ben shift in the cot. It looked too flimsy to hold his large frame, but it managed. She felt the stiffness in her side, the pain. She was stitched and bandaged, and she had a feeling they were slowly lessening her drip of pain killers. Her body was forever changed...she hoped she wouldn't be in pain for the rest of her life. 

Rey wanted to reach out to him, but it was difficult for her to sit up, much less lean forward far enough to touch him. She wanted him to go home. She wanted him to sleep in his own bed, for a few nights. However, she couldn't deny that she was glad to see him there, sleeping in the dark. 

"Ben," She said. Her voice was haggard. She hadn't spoken much. 

She was sure he didn't hear her, so deep in slumber was he. 

But, he did. 

He stirred. He was wearing a suit. It looked as if he had come here straight from the office. In fact, when she looked around, she saw the telltale signs of a workaholic. His laptop was there. His phone was on a charging station. She smiled a bit, shifting her head atop her pillow. She was uncomfortably comfortable. She didn't want to be in this bed anymore. 

He opened his eyes, and they looked a strange grayish yellow in the silvery light of the full moon. He was beautiful. Perhaps the prettiest thing she had ever seen. 

Suddenly, her throat was full. She felt as if she could not swallow. How to make amends to this man who had been sleeping by her side every night? As if his presence there with her would keep her from un-tethering herself and drifting away completely? 

"Ben," She began. "I'm so sorry,"  
"For what, Rey?" He asked, surprised.  
"I should have believed you,"  
"I should have handled it better,"  
"Are you trying to ruin my apology?" She croaked, a smile cracking her features. 

He laughed, grasping her hand tightly. He looked as if he might cry. 

"No,"

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shooketh. 
> 
> i think this only has one chapter left, fic-babes! and it will be an epilogue. :)
> 
> lyrics are 'play out' by zola blood


	21. The Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take me where you're going  
> Don't you let me waste you  
> Holding to the deep end  
> I'll let go if you do  
> Hot blood running through me  
> Falling wild and I'm free  
> Take you where I'm going  
> I won't let you waste me

✤

News of what had happened had spread quickly. 

Ben had come back for his phone. 

It was lucky that he had, or she was sure her story might have had a different ending. Kaydel had bad aim, but it was good for Rey. Even though she had lost a lot of blood, and the doctors were worried that she might not wake up -- she did. Kaydel had been the one to call the cops, her call to the emergency services all sobbing and crying. Luckily, Ben had grabbed the phone from her and explained what he thought had happened after he'd gotten the gun away from her. 

Kaydel hadn't wanted to shoot Rey again, another small bit of luck. She'd lost her nerve after seeing all of the blood. She told the police that she hadn't really wanted to kill Rey, but she had been out of her mind. The police didn't exactly believe her. She had taken Ben's phone with the plan of texting Rey. She had brought the gun with her. She had been planning something. 

Ben had discovered (from Hux), that Kaydel had been the one to entice DJ into hacking into their system. It came out that she had paid Frank to take the photos, but the storm had gotten too bad before he had a chance to get any truly risque ones. Kaydel wasn't pregnant, it was something she had let slip to one of her handlers on the fly in a moment of inspiration. Ben had brought her to the offices that day to tell her that he could prove that her actions were a breach of their 'contract' and he wanted to be let free of it. She had had the gun. She had taken the opportunity when Rey had tried to text him.

He had told her that he would appreciate it if he never saw her again, and that, she said, was what drove her over the edge.

Kaydel's motives might have made sense to her, but in the end, they were the actions of someone who was deeply troubled. 

Rey recovered.

As she began to recover, she began to see all of the new stories coming up about the situation. Almost murdered, they called her. Kaydel wouldn't do as much penance as she probably should. There was already talk that the judge would go easy on her, but even so - Ben had been insistent on a restraining order. 

_I won't have it happening again._ He had said. 

She had to stay in Coruscant's high tech med facility for longer than she would have wanted. She had physical therapy to do, and she had to recuperate safely. As she got better, she saw more of Rose and Finn and less of Ben. She heard through the both of them that the small hit Imperialist had taken had been short lived. It had recovered once the truth of what Kaydel had been up to the last few months came out. She thought he was probably busy. 

They hadn't spoken much since that night she had woken up. 

Rey hadn't felt safe, not quite. She was always a bit afraid Kaydel would show up to finish the job, but the farther she got away from the incident, the easier it was to let herself be a bit more comfortable. 

The day came that they were ready to release her. The place where she had been shot still gave phantom pains when she moved in a certain way. She wondered if it always would. The doctors had high hopes that she would heal completely and be fine. Finn and Rose came to fetch her home. Rey hadn't made any big decisions about her life. Even though she still loved Ben, she was sure that it was a good idea to resign as his assistant. Maybe because she loved him. 

Rose had put a keypad lock on the door. Finn had been sleeping on the couch. 

Life had gone on without her, moving ahead while she was frozen in the hospital. She felt a bit like she was intruding on them. 

It felt really strange being back. She had been gone for a long time, all because she had made the decision to go to his office that day. She sat down on her bed that hadn't been made since she'd left. She had gotten a new phone, which she pulled out of her bag. Finn and Rose carried on in the kitchen, intent on making a homecoming dinner for the three of them. Her new phone chimed. 

**Home alright?**

It was Ben. 

_Yep. Just got in. I missed you at the hospital._  
**I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm not sorry I don't have to go there anymore.**  
_Me too._  
**Are you free tonight?**  
_Finn and Rose are making dinner._

No reply. 

_Do you want to come?_

It took him a good ten minutes to reply:

 **Okay, sure.**

Rey got dressed in a floral dress that had flutter sleeves. They hung off of her shoulders, revealing them. It was warming up a bit, and she felt like wearing something light. She put on a pair of pink heels and smoothed her hair into a low pony tail. When she came out, both Finn and Rose paused to look at her. 

"Why are you so dressed up?"  
"Ben is coming," She said. "I invited him. Do you mind?"  
"I don't," Rose said. She was sauteing something. "Finn, do you?"  
"Nope," Finn replied. He smiled at her and went back to being Rose's sous chef.  
"Should we open some wine?" Rey asked.  
"I feel like I should get dressed up. I've never really seen Ben not in work wear,"  
"Me either," Finn replied. "At the hospital he was always in a suit, back and forth between there and the office,"  
"Was he there a lot?" Rey realized they didn't have any wine. "Did you two drink all of the wine?"  
"Must have," Finn said. "Yeah, he was, he slept there for the first couple weeks," 

Rose handed the job she was currently working on to Finn to go change her clothes. She came out in a dress herself, though her feet were still in slippers she wore around the house. Rey helped out, and they danced around each other trying to throw together a meal and a salad. 

The bell rang. 

Rey went to open it, though she found herself pausing to look through the peep hole. Still a bit fearful of what was on the other side. She was glad to find that it was Ben, as expected. 

She opened the door, smiling at him. He held up a bottle of wine. 

"Ah, angel," She said, taking the bottle from him.  
"You look beautiful," He said, leaning down to steal a kiss from her lips. It was the first time in awhile. It was too brief.  
"Thank you," She said, turning from him. "You look like you've been working,"  
"I have," He laughed. They held hands as they walked.

They found Rose and Finn standing in the kitchen a bit awkwardly. No one was really sure how to behave, it seemed. 

"Uh...thank you for inviting me," He offered his hand to Finn. Rey thought that they had come to begrudgingly respect one another, even if there wouldn't be any hugging.  
"Sure, anytime," Finn said, shaking his hand.  
"We tossed this together, so I hope it's okay," Rose said. "Have a seat," 

They opened the wine. It got a bit less awkward as they drank, and ate. It was genuinely pleasant after awhile. Everyone was able to let go of the past. Maybe not indefinitely, but for awhile. Finn and Ben even laughed together, once or twice. 

"That was good," Ben said, draining the rest of his wine. "You're a good cook,"  
"I had help," Rose said, motioning to Finn.  
"I thank you both,"  
"Any time," She said. "Really, any time. You're welcome,"  
"I suppose I should get going," He said. 

The wine had gone dry and the food was eaten. 

"Can I help with clean up at all?" He asked, standing.  
"Nah, I'll take care of it," Finn said. "Thanks for coming,"  
"Sure," 

They shook hands, again. Twice in one night. 

Rey wasn't ready for the evening to end. She felt good, just being in his presence...just allowing herself to be in his presence without any worry about what would happen. She might have been fearful, but she had a feeling that the whole mess had turned into something less than a mess. It was manageable chaos now. 

Rey followed him out. He paused, turning to look at her. The door shut behind them, closing on Finn and Rose. 

"I don't want to leave you," He admitted.  
"I don't want you to leave," She replied.  
"Are you in any pain?" He asked. She shook her head. He carefully reached out for her. 

He grasped her waist carefully. He was handling her like she was glass, which she found she didn't mind too much. He pulled her against him, kissing her lips softly and briefly at first before he kissed her like he meant it, his intentions of handling her with care sort of going out of the window. He felt like he was a tightly wound rubber band, and his fingertips grasped the fabric of her dress, pulling it taught against her frame. She gave a small noise, the path of his hands reminded her of where the bullet had entered and then left her. 

"Are you alright?" He was breathless.  
"I'm fine," She reassured him.  
"Will they miss you, for one night?"  
"I doubt it," She replied, smiling. "Is that an invite?"  
"Should I write it out for you?" He teased. "Would you like it notarized?"  
"Give me a second," She laughed out, punching the code into the door. It unlocked and she was back inside.  
"I'm going to go with him," She glanced at both of them as she spoke. "Are you going to be alright for the night?"  
"We're fine," Rose said. "Finn was thinking he might even go home and sleep in his own bed tonight,"  
"What a thought!" He said, jokingly.  
"I think that's a good idea too," Rey was smiling so wide her jaw was hurting.  
"Get outta' here, Green," Finn said, tossing his thumb up in the air and then at his shoulder as if he was tossing her out.  
"I will,"

✤

"I've been driving myself," He said as he hit the button to unlock the car with a beep.  
"What a novel idea," She replied, smirking at him.  
"You know why," He muttered, looking at her with a slight roll of his eyes.  
"I do," She said. "I'm sorry,"  
"What are you sorry for?"  
"I feel like I let her win again,"  
"Get in," He said, swinging the door open for her.

It had gotten a bit chilly as the evening fell. He had draped his jacket around her shoulders, where it hung, too big for her small frame. The car ride was silent, and Rey found she wasn't worrying about it for once. 

"She didn't win," He said, looking away from his driving to look briefly at her. "She didn't win because you're still alive, and we're still..."  
"Still what?" She turned her head to look at him.  
"Together," He smiled.  
"Are we?" She wanted to tease him.  
"I don't know," He replied. "Last time I saw you, you slept with me and then abandoned me,"  
"Ben," She reached out for his hand. "I was a moron,"  
"I was, too," 

He twined his fingers up with hers. 

"Do you think we can make this work?" She asked. In the past, she might have been afraid of asking it. "Do you think you can forgive me enough to trust me again?"  
"I guess I should ask you if --" He paused. "If I'm what you really want,"  
"Of course," She said. "I wouldn't have gone up there that night if you weren't,"  
"Good," His grasp tightened just a bit. "Then, yes. I think we can. We might have to try,"  
"I can try," She said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. 

He took her to the apartment in the hills. The one she didn't exactly like. It didn't matter, really, as long as she got to be there with him. Her memory of Kaydel sneaking up on them tried to sour the mood, but she wasn't going to let it. She did hold onto his hand tightly as they got out of the car and into the elevator. 

"Did you make sure--" She began. Her concern must have been obvious.  
"Yes," He said. "It's no longer a code. It's my palm print only,"  
"Oh, good," Rey sighed out.  
"You must have been terrified,"  
"I didn't want to die. Not alone, not in your office,"  
"I should have been there,"  
"No," She tightened her hand on his. "There was nothing you could have done any differently. You didn't know,"  
"But I should have,"  
"I should have, too," 

They were quiet until they got to the top floor. Rey watched as he placed his palm on the reader and the door slid open. She was thankful to watch it shut behind them. She released a small sigh of relief. Unless someone had him, they weren't getting in by any normal means. 

"She won't come here,"  
"How do you know?" Rey asked.  
"Her guardians are petitioning to keep her in the psychiatric ward. She hasn't been the same since she shot you,"  
"Have you seen her?"  
"Briefly. She wanted to apologize to me. And to you,"  
"Was there ever a time when you think you might have loved her?" Rey wanted to know. She didn't think the answer would hurt her now, no matter what it was.  
"Maybe, there might have been a small amount of time. She was with me from when you left until now, always there for me through my darkest," He looked at Rey. "But it always felt like she was showing me the side of herself she thought I wanted to see, and nothing else. She was doing so many things behind my back, I now know I should have listened to my gut,"  
"She wasn't always like that,"  
"Maybe not," Ben didn't seem so sure. 

He didn't want to talk about her anymore, Rey saw. She didn't either. Even though Rey felt she understood Kaydel, and had a hard time hating her, she wanted to let her go. There was no room for the life she wanted to have for people like Kaydel. She hoped now that she would get the help she needed. 

Rey wandered, her high heels making a clicking noise against the clean, shining tile. It didn't feel like Ben, here. It felt like Kylo Ren. She took heart, however, when she saw that he had moved some of his medals here. The bed was mussed. There were a few clothes strewn here and there. It certainly felt more lived in than it had last time. She turned to find him watching her. He had loosened his tie and perched himself on the arm of the couch. She smiled at him. There was something in his eyes she had seen before, and was beginning to recognize. 

"What?" She asked, playfully.  
"Are you going to give me my jacket back?"  
"Sure," She slid it off of her shoulders as she came closer to him. "I didn't realize it was that important," She tried to hand it to him. 

He reached out for her. He used his strength to pull her close, though she was sure she wouldn't have resisted him. Her thigh was between his, one leg forced to the other side of him. He held her close, watching her face intently. 

"What is it?" She asked.  
"No more running?" He asked.  
"No more running," She stated, firmly.  
"Do you still love me?"  
"Of course. Do you still love me?"  
"Yes," 

When he kissed her, he was slow. His hands traced the sewn lining of her dress. He found the zipper that drew up the back and he slowly, oh-so-slowly, unzipped it. She felt it gap before it slipped off of her. She released a gasp as the shock of the cold air hit her skin. 

"Hmm," She said as she pulled back from the kiss, playfully keeping herself away from him as he tried to kiss her. "Not fair," 

She loosened his tie with a playful yank. She lifted it up and tossed it aside. She began unbuttoning his dress shirt, watching as more and more of his skin was revealed. She let her hands drift along his corded shoulders before she finished her job and pushed the fabric away completely. He reached behind him, pulling it away and tossing it aside. She unbuckled his expensive leather belt, pulling it aside. The fastenings on his pants came next, though she didn't have much time to finish the job. He leaned forward and picked her up, slinging her over his shoulder. She laughed a bit, releasing a shriek of surprise. 

He carried her to the bed. She didn't even mind that it wasn't made.

✤

The cool air made the sweat on her skin feel chill. Her hair was mussed, having been completely tugged out of it's pony tail. Ben looked thoroughly pleased. She watched as he got up, and turned the lights out. She thought, perhaps he didn't want to see or be seen, but she realized that the glitter of the city around them was visible even from his bed. She watched as he slid back into the bed. Rey pulled herself against him. She felt his fingertips tracing the scarred skin where the bullet had hit her. It didn't hurt, really, but it did feel a bit strange.

She rested her hand on top of his, realizing she just wanted to touch him. 

"I feel like now is a good time to hand in my resignation," She said, rolling her head on the pillow to look at him.

He laughed. 

"You're a cold woman, Rey Green," He teased, leaning in to kiss her mouth.  
"Hm,"  
"Why?"  
"Because I love you. And I don't want to work for you,"  
"Fair enough,"  
"I can still work, until you find another assistant,"  
"That won't be necessary," His fingertips splayed on her hip bone.  
"Why not?"  
"Because I won't be there," 

Rey rolled to look at him more clearly. 

"Why not?"  
"I'm taking a leave of absence,"  
"Why?"  
"Because it's time. I've been working non-stop for seven years. Hux believes it's a good idea too. It's why I've been so busy,"  
"Oh," She was surprised. "What are you going to do?"  
"I'm going to take you out to my house...and hopefully convince you to move in. Maybe we'll get married,"  
"You're moving fast," She smirked as she said it. Marriage?  
"We've wasted enough time."

✤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it's the last chapter!! thank you all for continuing to read through the MADDENING ANGERY INDUCE chapters  
> I hope you had a good time, cause I did writing it! 
> 
> <3 Check out my other fics if you haven't, and recommend to your friends or give me a recommend on tumblr if you liked this!
> 
> blurb is from Ider by PULSE

**Author's Note:**

> schmitty, writing an AU for nanowrimo. 
> 
> ngl, this is heavily inspired by 'here to heart', which is a totally soapy c-drama. i recommend if you like crying and angst. 
> 
> that being said, this is gonna be real heavy angst. if you don't like angst, i totally understand! there are tons of fics out there and i won't be offended if you don't read this one. I swear. 
> 
> probably gonna hit some of the same beats here that i've hit with my other fics, but hopefully it'll end up being different and interesting.


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